in the shallows
by closingdoors
Summary: AU from Undead Again. In which the zombie case really *is* Castle's last case, and Beckett has to try and deal with the prospect of never seeing Castle again.
1. Chapter 1

in the shallows

_"If you leave,  
When I go,  
You'll find me,  
In the shallows."  
- In The Shallows, Daughter._

**Disclaimer: My babies _still_ aren't my babies. Dammit, Marlowe. Also, I could definitely write more for this, if you guys would like for this to be more than a oneshot? Let me know.**

* * *

Kate thought that some part of him had understood the subtext within her confession about seeing a therapist, just like she had once thought he understood her confession on the swings so many months ago. So when she looks up to meet his eyes after the sufficiently awkward conversation based on how she would one day accept _everything _that happened that day, and hesitantly asks "See you tomorrow?", shocked is an understatement when he replies: "Well… I- I meant to talk to you about that."

Instantly, Kate knows that something is wrong, a gut feeling rubbing her in the wrong way. Feigning obliviousness, she raises her eyebrows slightly. "Oh? Are you not- I mean, are you shadowing another cop or something?" _Again, _she thinks bitterly, but leaves the word unspoken and chooses to gnaw on the inside of her cheek instead.

Castle tenses and he seems to be surprised by her question. "No!" He replies quickly, and then coughs to cover his surprise. "Why would you-? No, I just…"

He trails off, staring at the bullpen, and catches the eye of Ryan and Esposito who are blatantly watching them, not bothering to hide it. That stare makes him uneasy, and he quickly looks down at his feet, unable to hold their gaze.

"Just _what, _Castle?" Beckett snaps, tired of his constant mood swings.

Uneasy, Castle shifts his weight from one foot to another, and then quietly mumbles the words that had been spoken two years previously. "I was thinking this could be our last case."

Without thinking, Beckett steps back. Some part of her brain yells angrily at her for showing her weakness, but the other side can't stop thinking about how Castle is _leaving. _For good this time. No promises of "See you in the fall" or "I'll call you." What could possibly warrant this? Over this case, she thought that they had been falling back into their usual stride again. That he had grown up and gotten over whatever it was that had been bothering him these past few weeks. God, she had been _stupid _enough to believe that maybe there was a chance for them after all this time and all these mistakes. That maybe Burke and Lanie had both been wrong and that Castle was actually willing to wait. (Not that there was that much of a long wait ahead of him, if she was honest. Actually, she wasn't quite sure why she hadn't brought it up with him yet- Oh, no wait, she did. He had been behaving like a jackass). So why was he doing this? Never once had Beckett actually believed a day would ever arrive where she would walk into the precinct and Castle wouldn't arrive soon after with coffee and a bearclaw. Never once had she actually believed that she would have to go through a case without his crazy theories and him driving her absolutely _crazy._ Never once had she actually believed he'd give up. He'd promised her always.

"Beckett?" Castle asks warily, eyeing her as if she was going insane. Maybe she was. Though she then realizes he's staring at her in that way because she has failed to reply within ten seconds.

"Why?" She finds herself asking, the singular word tumbling from her lips before she can think to stop herself. She really did need to start filtering her mouth when she was around him. (Not that he would be around for much longer).

Something within Castle's eyes changed; the bright blue shifting to something darker. But that was only briefly, and he masks it straight away. "Oh, you know, the latest Heat book is due to be in soon and all this crime-solving stuff means I don't really have much time to write." He shrugs it off, as if what they do is unimportant and has merely been a distraction all along. That makes her heart ache. "What with Alexis off to college soon, I figure I'd have a lot of time to myself to write if I were to stop… _this_."

And the way he says 'this', the way he stares firmly into her eyes, makes her certain that he doesn't mean consulting on cases: He means them. Her and him. Castle-and-Beckett.

Although she knows his writing excuse is a load of crap, she lets it slide. Because to be honest she knows deep down she'll never get a straight answer from him, and honestly she doesn't want one anymore. If he's done with them, then so is she. Why should she bother, after all, if all he had been doing was push her away?

"Fine." She blurts out, and it sounds a lot more clipped and harsh than she originally intended it to be.

"Fine?" He sounds surprised, as if he had expected her to put up a fight. Well, he wasn't going to get one, that was for sure. He clears his throat, toys with the edge of his zombie costume. "Oh. Well. Good. I mean- Good you're fine with it. Not that I expected you to _not_ be fine with it!" He adds quickly, and she feels like she should put him out of his rambling misery.

"It's fine, Castle. I know what you mean." She cuts him off, then shoves her hands in the front of her jean pockets, deciding to look anywhere in the room but at him. "You should, uh… Tell the guys. I'll just…" She doesn't finish that sentence, because she's not really quite sure what the hell she _is _going to do.

Castle doesn't comment, instead nods a dozen times and shuffles slowly towards Ryan and Esposito. She watches them from afar, studies the slouch of Castle's shoulders and his sincerely sorry eyes as he breaks the news to Ryan and Esposito. Judging by the already-pining look on Ryan's face, this is something that they most definitely do _not _agree with. Some part of her feels guilty, knows that somehow the reason Castle has been acting so strange and is now leaving is a result of something that she has done. She's just not sure what.

Later on, she'll make sure to tell Ryan and Esposito it's perfectly okay for them to see Castle outside of work, as friends. Just because her and Castle are parting on bad terms and 'what if's' doesn't mean that boys can't talk to him. She knows how fond they are of him.

With final handshakes, Castle smiles at the pair and begins to move away and heads towards the elevator. Some reason, she just has to smile, because despite the seriousness Castle is still wearing that ridiculous zombie costume and that lets her know that somewhere, deep down, _her_ Castle is still there.

(_Her _Castle?)

Suddenly, she realizes that he isn't going to say goodbye to her. He's already at the elevator, pushing the button and waiting. Instantly, she hurries towards him, and when she's behind him she forgets all the bad feelings between them and taps him on the shoulder. In an amused voice, she asks "Hey, where's _my _goodbye, Rick?"

He turns, and she's not sure whether he's surprised that she's demanding a proper goodbye or the unfamiliar use of his first name. Either way, he doesn't comment, simply replies smoothly: "Sorry, detective. Places to go, people to see."

Inside, she wants to curl in a ball and forget everything to do with Castle because he makes her feel so god damn _unimportant _and it hurts too much. But on the outside she simply smiles brightly, as if nothing is amiss. "You sure you don't ever want me to call you if we get a really weird one?" She asks, despite what she really wants to ask is: _We can still talk like friends, right? I can still turn up at your loft after a bad case for your jokes, right? We're still friends aren't we, Castle? I can still count on you, can't I?_

Castle smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. "I'm sure." Then he holds out a hand for her to shake, "Goodbye, detective. Thanks for the inspiration."

_Goodbye._

Whatever she was going to say in reply, some prepared line that would make her appear perfectly okay, dies in her throat at that. She needs to stop this. She really needs to stop this. In all honesty she really needs him here, can't let him leave, can't let this be the last time that they ever speak; with bad blood between them and unspoken words. But if he doesn't want to be here, if he doesn't want _her, _what is she supposed to do? Some part of her urges her to say something, anything, but she can't. Her mouth has gone as equally dry as a desert and she can't form the words to say _don't go._ Another part of her urges her to explain everything through actions. To kiss him so senseless that he doesn't remember the reason why he wants to leave anymore. But she can't do that, because the fear of rejection lingers within her and she's so _scared._

And this is _goodbye._

Instead of expressing her protest through the art of speech or kissing, or even shaking his hand, she finds herself saying goodbye by trembling like a leaf as she tentatively reaches up to wind her hands around his neck, hiding her face at the hollow of his throat. Quietly, she sighs "Goodbye, Castle."

Surprisingly, he wraps his arms around her waist tightly, anchoring her to him and burying his face in her hair. Again, he repeats "Goodbye, Kate.", although slightly more wistfully this time.

She's not sure how long they stand there like that, long enough to be inappropriate and gain looks, but she doesn't care. Honestly, she really doesn't care. Let them stare: For now Castle is here and he's in her arms and everything is _fine. _But then he presses a gentle kiss to her hair and disentangles himself from her, and she closes her eyes, refuses to watch him leaving. She knows that if she does it will haunt her dreams over and over: Him walking out of her life for the last time. Never to return.

When she re-opens her eyes, he's gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**in the shallows**

**Eeep! The response to this was amazing! I love you guys. I carried this on for you, so make sure you review and let me know if you liked it or hated it. Nothing plot-wise really happens, but it's just setting it all up first, so be prepared to be bombarded with feelings in this chapter. Woo!**

* * *

Castle sighs loudly as he enters his apartment, hanging his coat up and heading towards his bedroom to take off the zombie costume. Originally, he had planned to prank Alexis, but he really isn't in the mood anymore. However, before he can enter his room, his mother's voice floats from the kitchen area.

"So, how did Beckett take the news?"

He pauses, hand on the doorknob, but turns Martha. Her eyes are twinkling with mirth, a smile on her face, and he knows that she is expecting him to come out with yet another lame excuse as to why he should stay- He doesn't blame her for thinking that, every time he's gone back 'just for a case', he's wound up sticking around for a lot longer. Not anymore though. No more cases. No more wild theories. No more Beckett…

"Uh…" Castle pauses, unsure what to say. Because, really, how _had _Beckett taken the news? She did seem a bit down, sure, and slightly surprised. But it must feel weird to her because she's always been the one to send him away, not the other way around. "She seemed fine, I guess; accepted the news pretty easily."

Martha's eyebrows skyrocket upwards. "Oh?" She picks up her glass of wine and heads towards him, "Didn't put up a fight?"

Castle frowns. What reason would Beckett have for putting up a fight? She hadn't worked with a partner before him, and he was just something new that she had learned to cope with because she had no other choice. Honestly, he wouldn't be surprised if she held a party to celebrate the fact he was leaving. After all, it saved her from continually lying to his face and being embarrassed about his feelings.

"No… Why would she?" Castle asks, and Martha grabs his arm, pulling him into his study and closing the door firmly behind him.

Martha rolls her eyes. "Darling, I know what you've told me. That she lied. But I've seen how she acts around you, how she looks at you, and surely you've got to know she feels more for you than a friend?" She looks at him expectantly.

"Mother-"

"You didn't see how relieved she was in that bank? How she forgot _I _was there? No doubt, I'd been wavering on how she felt about you for a while, but that moment assured me that she adores you. Oh, Richard, why don't you just _ask _her about it instead of running away?"

"Running away?" Castle exclaims, beginning to pace. "She's the one who ran in the first place. She's the one who lied. Why is it always _me _who has to put in the more effort, has to push her for information? Why am _I _not allowed to be the one who's scared?"

Martha takes a sip of her wine, keeping her unfaltering gaze on him. It reminds him of the one Beckett uses when interrogating suspects.

"All I'm saying, kiddo, is that an eye for an eye leaves everyone blind. This way, Beckett will never know why it is that you left, and you'll never know why she lied. Insist all you want that it's because she's embarrassed and doesn't feel the same way, but there has to be something more to it than that. You've always said how things between you and her are complicated, so why is this as simple as she doesn't love you back?"

Without giving him a chance to answer, Martha stands, giving Castle a squeeze on his shoulder and leaves him to his thoughts.

* * *

An hour later, paperwork half-done and her board ready for a new murder, Kate Beckett grabs her coat from the back of her chair and pulls it on. The paperwork for this murder doesn't need to be filed until tomorrow, and usually she would do it, but she just cannot gather the motivation to do so today. She knows that it's due to the fact that Castle's left and isn't coming back, but she pretends otherwise. Though she knows she's not fooling anybody.

"Yo Beckett."

Sighing, Beckett turns to find Esposito walking towards her desk. "Yeah?" She answers, praying to whatever God there may be that there's no new murder. She really wouldn't be able to focus in her current state of mind.

Esposito stops at her desk, a stern look on his face. "Did Castle tell you the real reason why he left? Because he gave me and Ryan some crap about writing, and we can't figure out why the hell he'd lie. Or why he'd want to leave in the first place."

Kate shrugs, looking down at Castle's chair briefly, before meeting Esposito's eyes again with a sad smile. "He gave me the same crap, Espo."

Esposito nods understandingly, "Well, he'll be back. He always is."

She shakes her head. "Not this time. I really think he's gone."

The enormity of her words sways her for a moment, but she forces herself to focus on the conversation. Dammit, she is not going to break down like a typical girl over Castle. He's hurt her in so many ways before this, so why should him leaving hurt her as much as it does?

He frowns. "Well, he's a fool for going, then. No way he's gonna find better detectives to shadow."

Beckett smiles at his attempt at cheering her up. Is she that obvious? "Oh, well, you know Castle. Attention span of a goldfish." She shrugs, looking down at her feet and trying to keep her voice from wavering. "He'll find something new and dangerous to spend his time on."

"How're you holding up?"

The blunt question startles her, forces her to cover the mix of feelings she feels with a frown. At first, she goes to lie. She's fine. As if Castle would be hurting her so much. But then she looks up from her feet and catches Esposito's soft expression, and she can't help but the truth from tumbling out.

"Honestly? I'm just pissed off. If he had just told me why he wanted to leave then, well, I guess I would be feeling better about it. But he lied, and gave us all a load of bullshit. So I don't know how to feel about it." She admits quietly, biting on her bottom lip.

Esposito smiles reassuringly. "Well, he's a jackass for making you feel that way. You wanna come to The Old Haunt with me and Ryan? We were hoping to see Castle and rub it in his face that we're fine without him." Esposito jokes, laughing.

She laughs along, but it's forced. "You know it's fine for you two to see him? He's your friend as much as he was mine."

"No way. Lying to both us and you? He doesn't deserve us as friends." Ryan's voice comes from behind Esposito, and he walks to Esposito's side, smiling at Beckett.

At his words, she finds herself smiling gratefully, but is horrified when tears well up in her eyes.

"I'll- I'll see ya tomorrow." She says quickly, grabbing her bag and walking away before they can say goodbye. Once she's waiting for the elevator, she swipes at the tears that are burning her eyes, willing them away. At least until she leaves the precinct. They can't see her this way. They can't.

Dammit, Castle.

* * *

Surprisingly, Kate finds herself going to see Burke. She waits twenty minutes in the reception before going to see him, as unfortunately turning up without making an appointment means other people get to talk to him in their own appointments. She spends those twenty minutes pacing, biting her bottom lip and wondering if she really ought to be here. Burke was helping her with her PTSD, not her emotional issues with Castle. It would be embarrassing to go in there to reveal that she only wanted to talk about Castle. So she decides not to see him, what use would it be?

Before she even has the chance to pick up her bag however, Burke pops his head out of his office as another patient leaves, instantly spotting her and giving her a soft smile. "Kate." He doesn't sound as surprised as anyone else would. "Come in."

Her reasons for leaving exiting from her head, Kate quickly follows him in, settling down on her usual seat opposite him. For a moment they sit in silence, Burke staring curiously at her over clasped hands. Kate stares down at her own hands in her lap, trying to figure out the words to say.

"We had a meeting two days ago, Kate." Burke states in that deep, calm voice of his. She looks up shyly, mostly hiding behind her hair. "What is it you wish to talk so urgently with me about?"

Kate smirks, embarrassed. "It's, uh… Kind of embarrassing, actually." She admits, running a hand through her hair. "I just didn't know where else to go."

Burke nods. "I'm not only here for the after-effects of your shooting. I'm here for you to talk about any problems you have." He states, as if he'd been reading her mind.

"I…" Kate curls her legs beneath her, suddenly overwhelmed by all the emotions Castle's exit has left her with. "Castle left the precinct today. He said he was behind on writing, but…" Kate bites her lip, looking out the large window beside her, studying the light rain as it pattered on the window. "I know he was lying."

"How do you know that?"

Kate shrugs. "I just… do. He's always behind on writing, but he's never left before. And he's not coming _back, _even after he catches up on his writing. He's gone forever."

"You're not going to keep in contact?" Burke asks.

"No. I don't think he wants me to, otherwise he would've said something. It's the way he said it- So sure that we'd never see each other again." Kate looks from the window, back to Burke. "I just can't figure out why he's gone. I thought… I mean, isn't he…" Kate shakes her head, dismissing the thought.

"Isn't he what?"

"Supposed to be in love with me?" Kate blurts out, and instantly pink shades in her cheeks. "I- I just assumed he'd always be there. And he- He _said h_e loved me, so why wouldn't he want to stay?"

Embarrassingly, Kate realizes she sounds like she's pleading with Burke.

Burke nods slowly. "We discussed this, Kate." He says slowly. "I thought you realized he can't wait forever. Though Castle told you he loved you, have you really always expected him to be there if you continued to not give into your feelings for him?"

"I don't-" Kate begins to defend herself, but realizes that there's no point in denying it. Because she does have feelings for him. She's just not ready yet. Ashamed, Kate hangs her head.

She hears Burke sigh. "It's not your fault that you need time, Kate. But Castle is as human as you, and maybe this break will be good for him. It's obviously been hurting him to be around you so often and having to hide his feelings. Don't you feel that you could make this better for you, too, Kate? Could you not see it as a chance to figure out your feelings for Castle?"

Horrifyingly, tears begin to slip from Kate's eyes without her permission. She swipes them quickly, but they stubbornly carry on.

"No." She croaks out, finally answering Burke. "No, I-I already know how I feel I just… I need time to get used to it. And how am I supposed to do that without him?"

"You miss him?"

"Of course I do. God, it's not even been half a day and it's killing me." She admits, allowing the tears to fall freely now. She's already learned from life that hiding your feelings doesn't really get you anywhere.


	3. Chapter 3

**in the shallows**

**Wow, your reviews keep getting better! Thank you so much, and I hope you like this chapter. Let me know what you think- things are finally starting to get moving!**

* * *

A week passed. Surprisingly for Kate, it's proving to be a very eventful week. There's a break in at Montgomery's house- someone looking for Montgomery's _files _for Christ's sake- and she begins to become all-consumed by this case that she doesn't have time to think about Castle anymore. Often, she sleeps at the precinct, but doesn't find much time to even do that, instead studies her murder board for hours, or tries to make herself coffee with that stupid coffee machine he left behind. If Castle enters her mind, it's only for a brief moment, before she throws herself back into her work again. This is her and her _Mom,_ for God's sake. Of course she's more important. Why would it not be?

Unsurprisingly for Castle, it's proving to be a very uneventful week. He rises late in the day, too late to see Alexis off to school, and then splits his time between writing and talking with Martha. She's hanging around the loft for most of the day now, and Castle has the sneaking suspicion it's because she's worrying about him. Not that there's anything to worry about. Not at all. Nothing's wrong. He's fine.

Oddly, he finds himself wishing Beckett would just ring him telling them that they have a case. But then he realizes she's respecting his wishes. After all, she _asked _him if he was sure- If she should call if ever there was a weird murder. And beneath that question he could hear the _are you sure this is what you want? _And he told her he was sure. He _is _sure. This is the only way. Because if he goes back, even just for one case, he knows he'll never leave again. And he needs to get away from her, learn to turn that switch off, and begin to have a life that does not revolve around her anymore.

* * *

They've found him. _They've found him. _Her sniper. The man that placed a bullet in her chest at Montgomery's funeral, left her bleeding out on the grass by his grave as Castle held her, whispering above her-

No. _No, _focus.

Ryan wants to stop them. But she's been ready for this for thirteen years. She tells him so, and somehow she can feel the loyalty he has for her and Esposito slip from him. But she has Esposito. Esposito is enough back-up.

When they burst into the room he's supposed to be in, though, it's empty. Save for his things that he's left behind. With a frown, she enters the room, her and Esposito beginning to comb the place. Some part of her wishes they'd gone to Gates, so then they'd at least be able to have CSU help them- But no. This is her collar. Her case. No Gates.

"Beckett."

Kate pulls herself away from her musings and turns to Esposito, sees him holding up a photo album. A photo album? "I think he might have been looking for someone."

He's right, of course. It's not Maddox's photo album, but Montgomery's. Towards the end of the pages, there's multiple photos missing. So he must've found who he's been looking for. "Well, he's found them. He could even be out there looking for them now." She says, frowning. "I have no idea who it could possibly be- Maybe we should just put things back, close the door. Wait for him, and…" She trails off when she realizes Esposito is paying no attention to her. "Espo?"

"I think I know who he was looking for."

The words are filled with sorrow and trepidation. As she walks toward Esposito, she her heart begins to hammer wildly. Why is he looking at her like that? As if he's apologizing for something? But something's up, she knows so. It may be a cop instinct, but it still causes her mouth to go dry and her fingers to shake as Esposito passes her the photo.

"_No." _

The word escapes her lips forcefully, blunt and full of denial. But somehow she can still feel the desperation lacing within them, and she knows Esposito can hear it, too. Can he hear how her pulse is now beating in her ears? How it feels as if her heart is going to rip from her chest if it continues to pound as fast as it does? Oh, God, she's going to faint- She's going to-

"Beckett!"

Esposito catches her before she hits the ground, lowers her gently so she can sit, still shaking. Her shaking fingers are still holding the picture. The picture of Castle and a shadowy figure in a parking lot. The picture where Castle's face is circled in red. Castle.

_Castle._

"You okay?" Esposito asks, a worried look etched on his face.

She gasps as she tries to breathe, tries to see through the haze of panic that hazes through her. No, no, no. She's not okay. She's not, and she can admit that. How can she be okay? This is all her fault. She should never have let Castle back into her life after the shooting. She should've kept him out of harm's way, instead of being selfish and allowing her feelings to control her just like they have all along with her Mom's case.

"We need to- to-" What do they need to do? She forgets. The pulse is too loud in her ears now to ignore, the sickly feeling in her stomach too overwhelming, and damn there are tears in her eyes. Why is she so emotional since he left? Why has he changed her so much? They've both been in trouble before, she's feared for his life before, so why is she responding in this way?

"I know. We'll- We'll go to his loft. Check he's okay. Warn him. Everything will be fine, Beckett, I swear. This son of a bitch isn't going to get anywhere near him-"

"Near who?"

Gates' harsh and authorative voice jerks Beckett from her impending panic attack. Quickly, she stands, her eyes finally clearing to see Gates standing in the doorway with Ryan and some others of the team with her hands on her hips and near-murderous eyes.

"Gates?" She finds herself saying, still feeling slightly unsteady.

"Do you want to explain to me what the hell you two thought you were doing? Investigating your _own _shooting, going after your _own _sniper with _no _back-up!"

Esposito tenses beside her, ready to defend her actions, but she shakes her head slightly at him. He glares at Ryan, but she hopes that her eyes tell Ryan she understands. Because she does. She was being completely stupid, going after him with no back-up and hiding everything she's been doing from Gates. Now C_astle _has been dragged into all of this, and it's all her fault.

Then she remembers they really need to get going and beat Maddox to Castle.

"I- I did it all wrong. I did. But- But Castle's in danger. Maddox is going after him." As a way of explaining, she holds the picture out for them to see. "We need to get to Castle. Now."

Surprising Kate, Gates quickly nods and turns on her heel, hurrying down the hall. Her and Esposito share equal looks of surprise, but quickly follow. They need to save Castle.

_She_ needs to save Castle.

* * *

As usual, trying to write Nikki Heat becomes too much for Castle, and he shoves his laptop back on the desk in a huff. He stands from the chair and stretches, and then begins pacing about his study. Of course, he knows exactly why he can't write- He no longer has a muse. It's his own fault for walking away, but hers too for driving him to it.

Something feels wrong today, though. The loft is too quiet. Mother hasn't been quiet all week, instead walks around making as much noise as possible, or chatters away to him at top speed, as if trying to fill the gap inside of him that Beckett has left empty.

As he heads towards the door of his study that leads to the front room, though, he hears footsteps. But he doesn't recognize those footsteps. They're not his Mother's footsteps.

And then a man he doesn't recognize is standing in the doorway of his study, a smirk on his face and holding a gun to Castle's head.

"Richard Castle. How nice to finally meet you."


	4. Chapter 4

**in the shallows**

**Hello guys! Thank you so, so much for the reviews/favourites/follows on this so far. They really mean a lot to me! Unfortunately, I'm going on holiday tomorrow for the week- So don't expect another update until around next Sunday/Monday. Thank you for being patient!**

* * *

During the drive to Castle's apartment, Kate can feel all of the life drain from her. She knows that she's part of the NYPD, that her friends will do anything to protect Castle- but she can feel it: Too late. Too late. _Too late. _And, God, it is all her fault. When she found out, all those months ago, that he loved her, she should've cut off all ties with him. Immediately. Because she was just like a walking time bomb, wasn't she? If someone got too close, she exploded and everyone got hurt. Her Mom had died. Her Dad had fallen into the dark abyss of drink. Montgomery had died to protect her. Castle's been targeted by her sniper because he was the weak spot. _Her_ weak spot.

Esposito pulls up outside Castle's apartment (they're here already?) and despite the fact that her legs feel boneless and every one of her senses is on alert, she jumps out straight away. Several other cars, Gates and Ryan and back-up, skid to a halt outside of Castle's apartment. She's aware of Esposito climbing out the other side of the car and pulling on his vest, as well as everyone else growing prepared as well, but she can't help but feel so frustrated as to how slow they're going. This is _Castle's _life in danger!

Before she knows it, her feet are carrying her to Castle's apartment, and she's ignoring the calls of "Beckett! Don't you dare!" behind her. Because she's gone ahead without back-up, vest less, and there's a potentially dangerous criminal in Castle's apartment holding him hostage.

Waiting for the elevator is far too slow, so she takes the stairs in Castle's building two at a time, ragged breaths erupting from her heaving lungs. Panic is installed completely within her, there's no chance in hell she'll be good to Castle in this way, but she can't _stop. _The weight of being a ticking bomb is pressing down heavily on her shoulders, and she needs to try and redeem herself.

"Castle!" She yells as she reaches his floor, and she can hear back-up beginning to run up the stairs to Castle's floor. Part of her tells her to wait, some rational part of her brain she has now completely pushed to the back and ignored, but she carries on. "Castle!" She yells again, pounding on his door with her fist, and wishing like a little girl.

God, she wishes that he'd just open the door. She wouldn't care if he'd look outraged that she's there, she wouldn't care if he pushed her away. She just had to see him- See he's okay. And tell him: God, tell him everything. Tell him how she knows they can't see each other again because she's so complicated and a time bomb and he's only going to get hurt and she's doing this for his own good and she's glad he was the one who made the choice to leave because she didn't think she'd ever find the words to tell him to go and she knows he loves her and he has to stop that because it's only going to get him in trouble like everyone else involved in her life and how it's okay if he's angry and she understands because it's _hard _to stop loving someone but she can do it to protect him and-

"Stand down, Beckett."

Gates' voice startles her out of her reverie, and she spins on the spot to see Gates and her back-up charging down the hall. Damn.

Without hesitating, Kate spits "No!" and kicks Castle's door down. Drawing her gun, she bursts into his apartment, scanning the room for Maddox, anticipating for him to jump out at her at any second. Surely this is a trap? He wouldn't really take Castle, what would he need Castle for?

When he doesn't jump out, and there's nothing but silence and her pounding heart filling his apartment, she calls out for him desperately: "Castle?"

She can hear how ragged her voice sounds, how worn it is. Back-up enters the room behind her, she can even hear the fury in Gates' footsteps, and she calls out again: "Castle!" even though she ought to be mortified at how her voice sounds and how they're all witnessing it. But she keeps calling the same name, over and over in the same tone of voice- Completely desperate as she searches the loft, scans his front room, the kitchen, then moves to his study-

"Martha?"

Instantly, Kate drops to her knees, stunned. Lying unconscious on the floor is Martha Rodgers, adjacent to the doorway of the study. Beckett places her hands to Martha's neck and feels relief ignite in her veins like fire when she feels a pulse. Thank God Martha's okay. "Martha?" She asks gently again, and she can feel a figure behind her, but she ignores them and shakes Martha's shoulder. It's probably Esposito, anyway, she can't imagine Gates has enough compassion in her to check that Martha's okay.

Kate holds her breath, and there's a beat of silence, but then Martha's eyes flutter and she groans. "Oh, gosh, have I had one too many again?" She mutters, and Kate helps her sit up as Martha presses a hand to her forehead, wincing. Finally, her eyes open and settle on Kate. "Kate? Oh, what are you doing here?" She asks, but then really takes in the other officers in the apartment. "What… What's happened?"

Kate swallows, and the action feels harsh, her throat too closed and her mouth to dry. She wets her lips. "Martha… Do you… Do you remember anything that happened to you before you became unconscious?"

Martha frowns. "I… I was going to go out, meet with some friends… I- I haven't been out much lately, you see, as I was worried about Richard because-" Martha stops, and gives Kate a meaningful look that Kate doesn't understand and feels like she's supposed to. "But Richard seemed to want me to stop bothering him, so I was going to go out… I was walking to his study, he's been holed up in there for the past week you see, darling, and then…" Martha purses her lips, and shrugs. "I don't remember anything after that."

Kate nods, trying not to let Castle's behaviour cause an ache in her heart- But it did, why had he ever leave if he was bored at home? "That's… That's fine. Did you- I mean, did anything seem out of the ordinary today?" She glances behind her and gives Esposito a look, and he understands, signalling to the back-up who then enter Rick's study.

Martha sees the exchange and her eyebrows knit together. "No. Nothing was odd at all." She answers slowly. But then realization dawns on her face, and her eyes grow wide. "Kate… Where is Richard?"

"There's signs of a struggle. The room's trashed." Esposito says, giving Kate a moment to try and calm her racing heart. Though the information does nothing to calm her.

Martha looks between them with fear in her eyes. "He's been taken?" She exclaims, and climbs to her feet. Kate quickly does the same, trying to think of what to say.

"We- I- He's been… I mean, we think…" For the first time in her life, Kate has no idea what to say.

When Castle and his Mom had been held hostage in that bank, she'd known exactly what to say to Alexis to calm her down. She'd kept her calm in front of the other officers as they'd tried to figure out how to save the hostages. She'd known exactly what to say to the man holding them hostage as she'd spoken to him on the phone, and had stopped him from shooting Castle. She'd known exactly how to act and what to say when the C4 had exploded and the thought of Castle _dead _had haunted her mind. God, she'd been completely fine then.

But that had all happened by freak chance. It was not her fault Castle was held hostage in that bank. This, however, is everything to do with her.

Vaguely, she registers that Esposito is explaining everything to Martha. Martha turns her eyes on her, but they're not accusing, they're just filled with sorrow. Kate wishes she could say something, or do something, but she's stuck behind that wall again. The wall she'd been working so hard to knock down. But now she could feel brick after brick building up again, the hole in her heart growing larger and larger, and she is at complete loss at what to do.

She'd never felt like that before: Useless.

"Martha, where's Alexis?" She blurts out suddenly, keenly aware that the teenager isn't in the loft.

"She's at school. She- They haven't taken her as well, have they?" Martha demands, her eyes beginning to fill with tears. The look on her face- one of loss and complete and utter sadness- reminds her of the same one Alexis wore when they were held hostage in that bank. It's then that she realizes Alexis hadn't been exaggerating when she said they were all she had. It was _true._

Kate bites her lip. "I- I don't think so. I mean, Maddox didn't… He was only targeting Castle." She turns to Esposito. "Send someone to Alexis' school, make sure she's okay. I want a detail on her at all times, too. We know what this man is capable of."

He's capable of putting a bullet in her chest at a funeral. He's capable of escaping a graveyard full of police officers without being detected. He's capable of taking Castle from right under their noses.

_Castle._

She needs to stop letting his name get to her so much. But she can't help it. Castle is gone, and it's all her fault, and she has no idea where Maddox could've taken him or if he's even _alive. _

_No, think positive, Kate._

She can't.

* * *

Slowly, Castle grows aware that whatever it is he's sleeping on is neither particularly comfortable nor warm. With a frown, his eyes open, but all he finds is darkness. Immediately, he remembers the man in the doorway, the gun- Oh God, he'd been shot. He'd shot him and knocked him unconscious.

Castle quickly rips off his shirt to examine the wound on his arm. The bastard had shot him in the arm to disorientate him! However when he looks now, there's no bullet and the wound has been stitched back to normal and cleaned. Someone has taken care of him, then. Though when he lifts his arm to peer closer, it feels like fire shooting throughout him, burning and burning and _spreading._

They obviously haven't given him any pain medication, then.

Castle hisses, then looks up, choosing to study the room. It's small and dark, with the lingering smell of death in the air. Honestly, it reminds him of the one him and Kate were handcuffed together in. (Mmm, good times, except without the tiger. He'd got to lift and her top and she'd made those _noises _when- Focus, Castle). Though it's very eerie, and especially daunting.

He can't help himself; he's worried that she'll be there too. "Kate?" He calls tentatively, but no answer comes from the shadows. He allows himself to be relieved about this, at least she's not in danger.

Does anyone even know he's here? Where was his Mother when he was taken? Alexis!

"Alexis?" He calls, and feels his heart clench and stop for a moment. If they had brought her here too, if they'd even _thought _about it, he swears-

"It's just you and me_, Richard Castle._"

The voice comes from the shadows, and Castle squints, but he can't make out any form of figure. Though he recognizes the voice. It's that of the man that shot and kidnapped him.

What the hell had he been dragged into?


	5. Chapter 5

**in the shallows**

**I don't really understand why this story has 107 follows but the last chapter only received 5 reviews. Also, this took longer than expected because when I got back from holiday my younger sister was taken into hospital suddenly to have her appendix removed.**

* * *

Kate insists on staying at Castle's loft until Alexis arrives safely and she meets the protective detail. She wants the best. She will not let just anyone protect Alexis Castle. Gates gives her a stern look when she refuses to budge, and tells her that they need to talk when she gets back to the precinct. She's not looking forward to that particular conversation.

CSU have begun to comb the place, and in a far corner Lanie is checking over Martha for any signs of concussion. For a moment Kate feels entirely useless, standing alone in the middle of Castle's loft, but then heads towards Martha.

Martha smiles faintly at her and winces as Lanie brushes a thumb over the back of her head. Lanie pauses and says, more to Kate than Martha: "No signs of concussion. Mild bruising, and from the size of it and the pattern, I'm guessing you were hit with the butt of a gun. The bruising shouldn't take too long to heal." Lanie gives Martha a reassuring smile, glares at Kate in a _We Are Going To Talk the Moment You Are Alone and It Will Not Be Pretty _way and leaves them alone. Kate wonders idly why so many people want to talk to her.

Once Lanie leaves, Kate sits down on the stairs beside Martha. She wants to say something reassuring. She wants to let Martha know that she'll bring Castle home safe and sound. She wants Martha to know that she never meant for any of this to happen- That Castle was never meant to get hurt. But she can't force the words out of her mouth; she can't even bring herself to look at Martha because she's too ashamed. She's beginning to feel like sitting with Martha was a bad idea.

However, Martha finds the words for both of them. "I know, kiddo." She says, and her voice has that same weight which Kate's always carries. Surprised, Kate finds herself able to look up at Martha. Martha gives her a watery smile. "I know."

Stupidly, Kate finds herself drifting towards Martha. That motherly aura calls out to her, something which she has been denied of for so long, and then her head is resting on Martha's shoulder and Martha is squeezing her so tightly Kate's certain she may suffocate. But she doesn't say a word, doesn't have any, and allows herself to be for once in life… comforted. She knows she shouldn't, not now. She should be grilling CSU for what they've found or asking Esposito if they've found out anything about Alexis yet, or actually _trying _to find Castle. These things seem miles away to her though, impossible and out of reach. So she cries into Martha's shoulder instead. Small, salty tears. They slip from her eyes before she can stop them and head down the crook of her nose. She doesn't make a noise, doesn't move, just allows the tears to fall and knows that, horribly, someone else understands just how much it hurts.

* * *

By the time Alexis Castle returns to the loft, Kate is now composed and Martha is waiting for her with open arms. Feeling like an intruder, Kate turns away and greets the men who've been assigned as Alexis' protective detail. Esposito assures her they're good, and she finds out that they're the most respected in their trade. Apparently, Gates had requested for them specifically. Maybe she did care a lot more than she usually let on.

She finds Esposito, still feeling as if this is not the real world, as if she's been dropped on some foreign planet. "Anything?" She asks desperately.

Esposito turns sad eyes onto her. "They found blood in… In Castle's study. They've sent it off for testing and we can't be positive it's Castle's yet, but…" Esposito doesn't finish that sentence, instead shrugs and carried on. "There's, uh… Something important, Beckett."

Something important? More important than the fact Castle's blood is currently staining the floor of his study? "What is it?"

Typically, Esposito is straight to the point. "We found a bullet casing."

"But-" She begins to say, but finds she _can't _say anything.

Shot.

Castle's been shot.

"Detective?"

She turns, and Alexis Castle is standing there, eyes as fiery as her hair. Her mouth is still moving, words spilling out into the air, but she can't hear them- she can't _hear them_. Shit. _Shit. _Castle's been shot. Castle's been taken. Castle has a daughter and a mother who will worry about him. Castle's been shot and taken and he has a daughter and a mother who will worry about him and all Castle ever did was love and worry about her and now he's been shot and taken and he has a daughter and a mother who will worry about him and all Castle ever did was-

She doesn't remember anything after that.

* * *

When she wakes, it's at the precinct on the couch. A mug of coffee is placed in front of her, recently made as the steam is still rising from it. Kate pauses for a moment to gather her bearings, but then sits and reaches for the inviting coffee. The warm liquid passes through her throat and immediately she can already feel its wakening effects.

"Hey."

She startles slightly, careful not to spill any coffee, and looks up to find Ryan smiling down at her. She hopes that her returning smile doesn't look as forced as it feels.

"Hey, Ryan."

Ryan hesitates for a moment, but then decides to continue whatever it was he was doing. He sits down beside her, and stares at his hands for a moment. "I had no choice, you know. I- I was worried he was gonna be there and you didn't have back-up and you might-"

Although she still feels overwhelmingly shitty, Kate knows that Kevin Ryan needs comforting. So as she speaks she reaches out and squeezes his shoulder lightly. "Ryan, you made the right decision. I know that now." She tells him gently, ducking her head down slightly to catch his eyes. "You know there's nothing for me to forgive, right?"

Ryan lets out a shaky laugh, and meets her eyes. A jolt runs through her when she realises they're a shade lighter than Castle's own blue eyes. What if she never sees those eyes again? "I-I don't know. I guess I just… Needed to know." Ryan mumbles, awakening her from her reverie.

She nods and squeezes his shoulder again. "I… Passed out, didn't I?"

He nods in return. "Yeah. You were out for quite a while, but Lanie said it was probably stress and to let you sleep. Oh!" Ryan's expression darkens slightly. "Gates is on warpath mode. She still wants to speak to you."

Kate sighs and brushes a strand of hair behind her ear, and rises on shaking legs. "Well, I guess I better go face the music."

When she exits into the bullpen, she's surprised as to how quiet it is. It's rather unnerving. She'd expected them to be chasing down every lead; for every damn cop in this precinct to go as far as they could to bring her partner back. (_Ex-_Partner, her mind reminds her horribly.) Yet there's barely a soul in the precinct, a few filing, but that's all. Where is the 'we-have-to-find-him-now' attitude she imagined? Why don't they care?

"Beckett."

The voice is ice cold, and Kate draws in a shaky breath. Stood in the doorway to her office is Gates, hands on her hips and waiting impatiently for Beckett.

Kate hangs her head, too tired to hold onto her shreds of dignity she lost when she found out Castle had been taken by Maddox, and follows Gates into her office. "Sir, I-"

Gates slams the door behind her, and her heels click as she stalks her way back to her desk. Kate has never seen her so angry, and is stunned into silence. Once Gates is behind her desk, she removes her glasses, leans forward slightly on her desk and, unlike the screaming and shouting Kate expects, speaks in a cool, terse tone.

"What the _hell _did you think you were doing, Detective?" She demands, and although her voice is controlled, her eyes are blazing with fire. "Withholding evidence, lying to a superior officer, and not taking my orders when there could've easily been a trained killer in Castle's apartment?"

Kate opens her mouth to defend her actions, but she knows that there's no way that she can. Gates is right.

And she can feel the bomb that she is ticking away furiously, growing closer and closer to exploding. Too much stress, too much loss, too much- too much- too much. She needs to find Castle before it happens. He's the only one who can defuse it. The only one who had ever managed to tame her.

"You dishonour the badge, Detective."

Gates' words cut harshly into her, and she's way below the belt, yet she knows she deserves them. She does. She only ever got the god damn badge in the first place to catch her Mother's killer, let the need consume her, eat her away at her until all that there was in her life was catching her Mother's killer. And now Castle is gone. The only one who kept her anchored to reality.

"I'm putting you on administrative leave immediately."

Kate flounders, mouth closing and opening repeatedly for a moment. "No, sir, I've got to- I've got to work this case, I have to-"

"You don't have to do _anything _if I tell you not to, Detective. Now hand over your badge and your gun, and Go. Home."

She shakes her head, and can feel a wash of anger flow through her. "No, no, you have to let me-" She doesn't care that she's begging, she'll do anything to stay on the case. "It's all my fault, I-"

"Yes, it is, Detective." Gates growls. "Now hand them over and let us fix your mess."

She stares at her for a moment, completely at loss for what to say. Oh God. Oh God. She can feel her control slipping, so with shaking hands she quickly unholsters her gun and throws it to Gates' desk along with her badge. Unsurprisingly, Gates' steely glare doesn't falter, doesn't leave her. As soon as the badge hits the desk, Kate turns on her heel and barges from the office. She can feel it coming. The guilt and the shame and the anger. The bomb inside her is ticking

_Tick, tick, tick…_

Without a glance backwards, she storms into the elevator, willing it to travel faster. She doesn't know where she's going to go. She can't go home, she knows that, and can't hide out in the precinct. And that man- Castle- the only one who kept her grounded and the only one she could talk to is gone.

She flies from the elevator the moment its doors are halfway open, and runs until she's out on the streets of New York. People barge past her, continuing on with their mundane, uneventful lives. All completely unaware of her inner turmoil. Because, as it always does, the world carries on.

Until she's sat on the swing, she is unaware her feet have carried her in any such direction. Startled, she stares around the playground. Several children are staring at her, the odd lone woman on the swing, but others continue playing and laughing. So she ignores them as they ignore her, and turns her head to the side, to stare at the swing that Castle occupied so many months ago. When he loved her and forgave her.

His spot is empty now.

_Boom._


	6. Chapter 6

**in the shallows**

**Thank you for all your reviews. I hope I wrote Alexis okay, I think she's hard to write in these kind of situations as she's usually so cheery.**

* * *

Kate isn't quite sure what she's doing, or why she's doing it, but she just knows that she is. Although trembling, her hands are carefully pulling down every part of her makeshift murder board- Every single detail of her Mom's murder thrown into a cardboard box beside her. It feels so wrong. But she needs this space. Gates suspended her from her job; she didn't tell her she couldn't save Castle.

So suddenly those still-trembling fingers are scrabbling through her drawers for that photo Lanie forced her to keep. The one she'd passed to her in secret and Kate had pretended that she didn't really want. (Yet somehow Lanie knew and gave her that sly grin, and Kate would often find herself staring at the now dog-eared photo in the late hours of night.) It wasn't a special photo or anything. It was just of her and Castle the first time they'd all gone to The Old Haunt, and they were smiling while toasting their glasses of that stupid alcohol Castle had obsessed over. Her eyes are soft here, though, unlike usual, and she's not sure if she hopes Castle had seen it or if he hadn't. Either way, he'd never mentioned it.

The photo, once she finds it, is the first thing to go on her murder board. She begins to scribble words away on pieces of paper- Information about how it happened: Bullet casings, Martha unconscious, his face circled in red.

But then there's knocking on the door.

Kate pauses and hesitates, wondering if it's worth tearing herself away from her work. The pen she's holding is poised mid-air above the paper, the word _MADDOX _half-written as _MADD. _After a brief pause, she sighs and moves to the door.

Certain it's nobody important, she doesn't bother looking through the peephole, and opens the door with an impatient look on her face. However she immediately tenses and tries to gather her expression to one of a comforting smile. But she already knows that it resembles more of a painful grimace than a smile.

"Alexis." She tries not to let her voice catch in her throat, but the name comes out a pitch higher than it ought to.

"Detective." Alexis' voice is smooth and controlled. Kate admires her courage. "Can I come in?"

Kate steps back almost instantly, allows her to walk in. "Uh, can I- I mean, can I get you a drink or anything?" She asks, because she's not quite sure what else she's supposed to say.

Alexis ignores her question, instead drifts straight towards the murder board Kate was in the middle of creating. Her face instantly hardens, something like accusation swimming in her eyes, and she turns too far away from Kate to see her, but she can see her fingers stroking over Castle's face in the picture. Kate waits patiently, something that is new to her, and hears Alexis sigh as quietly as possible, shoulders sagging. "I went to the precinct first. Detective Ryan told me that you were suspended."

With a deep breath, Kate replies as calmly as possible. "Yeah. I was."

Alexis' fingers fall from the photo, and Kate moves to her side, watching her carefully as a range of emotions flash across her face. "They looked so useless there, as if they were waiting for a lead to just pop out of thin air." Alexis reveals, and her jaw sets. "Why didn't you fight to stay there? To work my Dad's case with them?"

Cautiously, Kate places a hand on Alexis' shoulder. The girl shrugs it off instantly. Trying not to feel stung, Kate shoves the hand into her jean pocket and answers Alexis' question. "Alexis, we both know this is my mess. I want to fix it- Believe me, I want to fix this more than _anything_." She tells her reverently. "But I broke the rules. And Gates is a tough captain. There was no arguing with her, and so instead of wasting time arguing I chose to come back here and start looking for your Dad."

Alexis sniffs. "You want this more than your Mom's case?"

A swell of grief overwhelms her, but she squashes it down, focuses on the girl in front of her who is just as sensitive as her father. "Alexis." She whispers. "This _is _my Mom's case."

Something flashes in Alexis' eyes, something like fury, and she spins to face Kate fully. "Did you know it's my graduation today?" She demands, and her words are laced with malice. "I was smoothing things out at school and- and then I get called to the principal's office- and there are- there are police officers- and I _knew. _God, I _knew._"

Kate's hands shoot out to hold Alexis by the shoulders, and she is haunted by the way she once had to calm Alexis down at the bank so long ago. Why do bad things happen so often?

"Alexis, I swear to you- I will bring your Father back home, even if it kills me."

"But _when_? When will you bring him home, Detective?" Alexis demands, shoving Kate away angrily and pacing in front of the murder board. "In time for him to see me graduate? In time for him to drop me off at my dorm on my first day of college? In time for my nineteenth birthday? Twentieth? Or will it be longer- Will he see me marry? See his first grandchild born?" Alexis' hands curl into fists as she paces, yet she doesn't cry. That girl is entirely more mature than Kate's ever given her credit for, she realises.

"Alexis-"

"And if you do bring him back, even if it's in a day or a month or a year, what condition will you bring him back in? Because there's no way he'll escape from this _unharmed _is there? I saw the murderboard at the precinct, I saw the _blood _in his study, he's been shot already and it's only the first day! So when you bring him back, how broken will he be? As broken as you?" Alexis snarls at her, and her pacing quickens. "Barely alive? _Dead? _Are you going to bring my Dad home _dead?" _

Kate's breath hitches, and tears sting her eyes. "Alexis, I- I am _not _going to let that happen. That is not-"

"You can't promise me that!" Alexis cries, hands knotting in her own long hair. "You let them take him away so you _cannot _promise me he won't die!"

"You're right." Kate realises out loud, and Alexis is so startled she stops pacing and pulling at her hair, and stares aghast at Kate. "Alexis, you're right. I can't promise you that he won't die. But I can promise you I am going to do everything in my power to bring him back as soon as I can. And, God, I'm sorry if it's not enough. But it's all I've got." She confesses, and can feel her own tears slipping down her cheeks.

Slowly, the fire of anger in Alexis' eyes dwindles, and she nods slowly. "Right." She says hoarsely. "I- I just need him, Detective. He's my Dad. I need him."

* * *

Kate throws herself into her investigation. Exhaustion creeps slowly upon her and she realises that the last time she slept besides the brief fainting earlier was two days ago, before they knew Cole Maddox's name. She wards it off with dozens of cups of coffee and Alexis' words ringing in her mind.

Her phone rings, and she doesn't bother to look at the caller ID. "Beckett." She answers tersely.

"Beckett, hey, it's Ryan."

"Ryan? What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing's wrong, it's just- Alexis came looking for you earlier and I was just checking that-"

Kate laughs humourlessly. "Don't worry, Ryan, she found me."

"Oh. Oh, right." He pauses, and in his silence she can hear the sound of paper shuffling. He's still at the precinct, then. "I thought that I'd… Fill you in. On Castle's case."

Kate swallows, hoping there's a lead, hoping for something, anything, that will help her. "What'd I miss, Ryan?" She asks, and has to blink rapidly to rid herself of the tears she finds herself with when she realises how loyal Ryan really is.

"We can't get a trace on his cell. CSU checked all over his loft, but they couldn't find it, so he almost definitely has it on him- But every time we try to track it, we can't get a match. This man is smart, Beckett. We checked Cole Maddox's financials, and unless he's using a different name we're unaware of, he's made no recent transactions. Caliber of the gun was a .32, but that gets us nowhere, really."

Kate holds her breath as he speaks, feeling herself sinking lower and lower into emptiness. "So basically we've got nothing."

Ryan doesn't speak for a while, allows an awkward silence to fall between them as she tries to hold herself together. Finally, he whispers "We've got nothing."

* * *

Eventually, fatigue overwhelms her and Kate crawls into her bed and lays on top of the sheets, staring blankly up at the ceiling. 24 hours ago she was hunting down her sniper, all the while ignoring thoughts of Castle and how much it hurt that he'd abandoned her. Now she allows these thoughts to fill every inch of her mind, as if guilt will help her find Castle any quicker. They're not happy thoughts that fill her mind, though. Somehow she can't force herself to remember the way his eyes would light up with excitement as he concocted his latest wild theory, or how happy and elated she was as he held her in his arms after defusing a nuclear bomb which could've destroyed everything she'd ever known to be true.

Instead, she can imagine a bullet ripping through his chest, tearing his insides apart as he crumbles to his knees, face twisted in agony and shock. She can imagine Maddox looming over him, shadows across his face and a gun still aimed at Castle as he pleads _No, no, please, no. _She can imagine him blindly hoping that she'll knock down his door and take out Maddox with one bullet.

She can imagine his face when she doesn't.

And she can imagine him held somewhere dingy- with someone dangerous- and hoping for her while being bitterly disappointed that she'd gone and left him _again, _expecting him to wait as she always did.

And she can imagine him being tortured. Can imagine Maddox's slimy voice taunting him. She can see the pain on his face and in his eyes- _Oh, _his eyes are so terrified. And he's pleading through gritted teeth. _Please, please, please. Stop. Stop. Kill me. Do it. Kill me._

Instantly, Beckett's eyes fly wide open as that last image crosses her mind, sitting instantly and trying to force oxygen into her heaving lungs. But even though her wild imaginations have flown from her mind, she can still hear Alexis' words ringing loud and clear… _How broken will he be? As broken as **you**?... Are you going to bring my Dad home **dead**?... You __**let **__them take him away so you cannot promise me he won't die!_

It's hours before she can force those words from her mind, and just as her eyes begin to close so she can rest in order to be better to find Castle, her phone rings on her bedside table beside her.

Castle's face lights the screen.


	7. Chapter 7

**in the shallows**

**Thank you for all the reviews! I'm glad that you guys thought I wrote Alexis well. I was really anxious about that. I'm sorry this took a while longer to write, there are personal reasons behind that. I'm sorry this is pretty short, but I feel adding anything after the ending here wouldn't feel right.**

* * *

Kate bolts upright again, hands scrabbling madly in the darkness for her phone. As she stares down at the screen she holds in her trembling hands, she holds her breath. She knows what this is. Maddox is proving to her that he has Castle- that he's the one in control. But she can't help her imagination running away from her, imagining him escaping, her as his hero-

And she knows this call will cause her even more pain than she is in already. But she needs it, too. Needs to hear his voice, one she hasn't heard in so long…

"Castle?" She whispers hopefully, heart constricting tightly in her chest.

There's sound of heavy breathing on the other side of the phone, and she gnaws impatiently on her bottom lip. Hesitant this time, she tries again. "Castle?"

A sigh.

"Kate."

She can't help it, the sound of his voice, the undertone of his quiet desperation, rips a quiet sob from her before she can stop it. As it does, she hears a hitch in his breath. If he were here, she knew that he would be watching her carefully. Uncertain, as he always was, as to how to comfort her. She wishes he were here- she'd let him comfort her. She would.

"You're- You're alive." The words are broken, but she's tingling all over with relief. Ever since she'd found out about the bullet- _Castle's been shot_- there's been a small, niggling thought at the back of her mind that she'd been trying to push down into the darkest corners of her mind. The thought that he'd been murdered, and she'll never be able to save him. But now- She has proof. He's alive, somewhere. And she'll bring him back. She promised Alexis. Herself.

He laughs raggedly. She's not sure what there is to laugh at. "Yeah… Yeah I am." He laughs again. "I'm alive." He whispers.

Kate knows she has no time for her emotions, and that she needs to get as much information out of Castle as possible and fast. "Castle, when you were- I mean, we know who's taken you, and don't worry, I swear to God I'm going to find you. Okay? You know that, don't you?" She babbles, fingers flexing around the plastic device she holds against her ear.

"I hope you do... It's, uh, not exactly a five star hotel here." Castle jokes, and she closes her eyes when they tear up, tries not to them choke her voice.

"We found- At your apartment-" She tries to keep her voice steady, she really is trying. "A bullet casing… Castle…"

"I'm fine." He assures her quickly, and she lets out a strangled laugh of relief. "I mean- I got shot, in my arm. But I'm fine. I swear."

She rolls onto her side in her bed, wondering how far away he could possibly be. His voice floating through the phone like a love letter in a bottle almost makes her feel that he's right there with her.

"Do you know where you are, Castle?"

There's a muffled sound on Castle's side, and she frowns, can't figure out what it is. Eventually, Castle's voice is back, though his breathing seems shallow. "Kate, you know that even if I did, I couldn't tell you."

Stupid. "Yeah…" She murmurs. "Trust you to be one of those weird cases, Castle."

He laughs again. They're laughing an awful lot for a suspended police officer and a kidnapped writer. "Sorry. I'll try better next time."

They're silent for a while. Kate's not quite sure what she's supposed to say. It's evident that there's no chance in hell she's going to get any information out of Castle, if he had any in the first place. Maybe she's supposed to say all those things she never got to, as they always did in movies. But they would take a lifetime to say, and she's not sure where to begin. Apparently, Castle's the only one out of the two of them who knows the right words to say. The man with the words. She wishes he weren't so quiet right now.

"Kate… My mother, Alexis, are they-"

Hurriedly, she cuts him off before he can begin panicking. "They're fine, Castle. I promise." She assures him, wondering if she should tell him about how Martha had acted like a mother, and how Alexis is the bravest young girl she's ever seen. "I'll bring you back to them. It'll just… Take a little while. But we'll get there."

That muffled sound echoes through the phone again. His voice is quick and rushed. "Kate, don't put your life out on the line on this, okay? Please, don't drive yourself to the edge with this. Promise me, Kate."

That's when the tears begin to fall, causing her vision to blur as she hiccups. "Castle- I can't- I can't promise you that-"

"_Please, _Kate. I'm not worth it-"

"Like hell you're not worth it!" She snaps, and she can taste the saltiness of her tears as she runs a hand through her hair, sitting upright again as her grip on her phone tightens. "Do you have _any_ idea what this is doing to me, Castle? If it were me who'd been taken, would you just _sit around _and play safe?"

She knows that it's low, but it's the only way to make him _see._

His voice is level and controlled this time. She knows that his eyes would be slowly unfurling from relief to anger. "That's different, Kate, of course-"

"But it's not different, Castle!" Kate cries, wiping at her tears as if they burn. "It's not different at all."

"Kate- I'm so sorry- I'm so sorry-"

"You haven't-"

"I love you, Kate. You know that, right? Remember it, okay? I love you. So much."

"Castle, I-"

Before she can finish her sentence, he hangs up. Distraught, her trembling fingers drop the phone, and she listens to it clatter as it hits the ground. She struggles for breath, her chest jerking every so often in what slightly resembles breathing, her heart pounding in her ears. She'd known talking to Castle would hurt. She didn't know it would kill her.

Far away, but also not, Castle watches as the man holding him hostage tears his phone from his ear and throws it to the floor, laughing at the lost look on Castle's face.

For the first time in his life, Richard Castle is certain he'll never see Kate Beckett again.


	8. Chapter 8

**in the shallows**

**The response to the last chapter was amazing! I'm still both grateful and completely surprised about how much you guys like this fic. I hope this chapter lives up to the last, it's currently half 2 in the morning here in England, so god knows how sleep-driven this is!**

* * *

"What the hell do you want from me?" Castle finds the courage to ask amidst his rage, watching as the man holding him captive shoots his phone, effectively damaging it beyond use. "And why the hell would you want me to call Beckett?" When the man doesn't reply, Castle flies to his feet. "Dammit, give me some answers!"

The man simply raises his eyebrows slowly, regarding Castle for a moment. "Mr Castle, do I need to restrain you?"

Castle simply takes one step forward, hands curling into fists that feel like rocks by his sides, jaw locking. He's in a blind fury due to the sound of the agony in Kate's voice, the way this man taunted him like a piece of meat in front of her. He forgets this man has a gun, has even s_hot _him already, and the dull burning sensation running through his veins in his left arm. He needs answers. He needs them now.

"Tell me what you want. Now." Castle growls, and he doesn't think he's ever been so high on adrenaline and anger in his life.

This yet to be identified man raises his eyebrows further, an impressed smile on his face. "You're a fighter. I wasn't expecting that. I'm sorry I underestimated you." He bows his head slightly, as if Castle's supposed to forgive him for everything he's done. "I'll give you your answers, Mr Castle, if you promise me answers in exchange."

Impulsively, Castle starts to agree, but pauses. He doesn't know what the hell it is this man would want from him. For all he knew, he might want to know where it is Beckett keeps her spare door key (hidden in a small padlocked case inside her mailbox, the key to that padlock always in the right pocket of her jacket) or what times exactly she is normally alone (if she catches onto anything to do with her Mother, you'll never find her alone in her apartment since she won't go home for rest, but other than that nothing's for certain considering her job). All Castle knows is that this man is dangerous, and wants to hurt Beckett, and appears to be doing so using him. Well, Castle won't let any further pain come to her.

"No." Castle replies eventually, his voice low and dangerous still. "No deal."

The man simply ducks his head, chuckling like there's anything a_musing _about this situation. "Ah, you missed your chance, Mr Castle." He lifts his head, and any trace of amusement has been wiped from his face, and it is now replaced with seriousness. "I'll be getting answers from you anyway."

Suddenly, the man gives a jerk of his head, and from the darkness two brawly men lunge at him. Startled, Castle is unable to respond, and feels cuffs digging sharply into his wrists. As soon as they had appeared, the two men disappear back into the darkness, leaving Castle on his knees and cuffed before the man he doesn't know.

"I'll tell you one thing, though, since it won't really matter in the end." The man crouches before him so he's eye-level, and it stuns Castle to the core how hollow and guiltless this man's eyes are. "I'm the one who put a bullet through Kate Beckett's heart."

Castle gasps inaudibly, then grits his teeth as he spits his words. "Then you know her well enough to know she's not stupid. And she'll find me. And when she does you better watch out, because she will be hell-bent on making sure you pay."

There isn't even a flicker of emotion in the man's eyes. "Oh, I know she's not stupid, she's far from it. But she's foolish, Mr Castle. And that foolishness will drive you both to your inevitable death."

* * *

Half an hour after the phone call from Castle, Kate Beckett has dragged on the first clothes she could find, and is on speed dial for Ryan as she slams her front door to her apartment behind her.

Just as she thinks the call is headed for voicemail, Ryan's voice rings through the phone, groggy due to being woken at 4:23am. "Beckett? S'up?"

"Meet me at the precinct as soon as you can." She orders, pacing impatiently as she waits for the lift.

"The precinct? But… You're suspended, you can't-"

"Meet me there, Ryan!" She barks, and hangs up, then instantly moves onto calling Esposito.

His voice is less groggy, but groggy all the same. "Yo, Beckett? Somethin' wrong?"

"No, Espo, well- I'll explain everything. Just meet me at the precinct as soon as you can, okay?" She asks as she steps onto the elevator and pushes the ground floor button.

Not one to ask questions, Esposito quickly agrees. "Sure. I'll be there in twenty."

The elevator arrives on the ground floor, and Beckett is through the doors as they've barely opened. Everything is completely silent save from the small amount of passing traffic as she exits out into New York City. Ignoring her bike and even her car, she wraps her arms around herself and walks steadily in the direction of the precinct. Although she ideally wants to be at the precinct as soon as possible, she needs this. The silence thrumming in her ears and the only sound was that of her- for once flat- shoes pounding furiously on the sidewalk. She needs the almost-morning stark air on her face, her hair, curling around her like smoke and awakening her. (3 days it's been now, after all. Since she last slept properly.) It's refreshing. She can feel the breeze and hear her footsteps and see nothing but what the street lamps light for her. She can forget.

But when she looks up and spots the moon, a small sliver of what it once resembled, she stops and thinks of Castle. How odd it is, that he was either so far away or still close and she had no idea where, yet they were still under the same moon.

At least they still have a connection, she thinks.

* * *

When she arrives twenty minutes later she finds few officers at the precinct, those that are there give her shifty looks but quickly look away when she chances a glance at them. These officers are not a surprise to her, though. What is a surprise is to find Kevin Ryan slumped over his desk, fast asleep and a mug of freshly made coffee beside him. His hand is clutching his phone desperately even in his sleep, as if ready to spring into action if there were any new leads. Once again, Kate Beckett is rendered speechless by Ryan's fierce loyalty to them all, and finds herself smiling in spite of the situation.

"Ryan?" She calls out gently, reaching out to shake his shoulder gently. He stirs slightly, eyebrows fluttering into some sort of a frown as he mumbles about honeymilk, but doesn't wake. Sighing, Kate leans closer and shakes his shoulder more roughly this time. "Ryan?"

Instantly, Ryan jerks awake, almost knocking her off balance. She recovers quickly and straightens up as he blearily looks around for the source of the disturbance, and his eyes stare unseeingly at her for a moment before he quirks a smile. "Beckett. Hey, sorry, I didn't mean to…" He gestures between himself and the desk.

She frowns, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Ryan, did you go home at all last night?" She asks softly.

Ryan sighs, rubbing at his eyes with his hands. "I couldn't just… It felt like giving up, you know? We had no solid leads, no witnesses, and you'd been suspended. I knew I couldn't rest knowing that somewhere out there Castle's waiting on us to find him or he might be…" Ryan shudders. "Hurt."

Kate crouches down slowly to become eye-level with Ryan, squeezing his shoulder empathetically. "Ryan, Castle wouldn't want you to wear yourself out like this." She says understandingly. "I know how it feels, but you'll be no use to Castle if you run yourself ragged. You rest when you need to, it doesn't mean we won't find him. He knows we won't give up on him."

Ryan nods, and she can't figure out the look on his face. "I know that. But when was the last time _you _slept, Beckett?" Ryan asks sharply, narrowing his eyes at her.

With a calming breath, Kate retracts her hand from Ryan's shoulder and begins to straighten up. "That's different-" She starts to say, and can feel her heart squeeze tightly at the words. They had been Castle's words not long past an hour ago.

But Ryan catches her wrist, which startles her and she stares down at him in shock. "I love him too, you know." Ryan says firmly, and then blushes beetroot red. "I mean- God, not in _that _way, that's all left for you to do. But I love him like a brother."

Kate flounders. "I don't-"

A voice from behind interrupts her denial. "Yo. Wanna tell me what I've dragged my tired ass out here for at almost 5 in the morning? We got a lead?"

Ryan releases her wrist from his grasp, and she spins away from him and to Esposito. "Uh. Well, I don't know. It could be a lead, but it might be nothing." She says. When she'd been on the phone with Castle earlier, all she could hear was his voice, wrapping around her like a blanket and comforting her. _I'm alive, _it'd reassured her, _you can still save me. _But because of that she may have missed something: A sound in the background that could indicate his whereabouts, a message hidden in his words which would be just so typically _Castle. _

Esposito frowns, crossing his arms over his chest. Ryan stands at his side. "What is it?"

Kate slowly fishes her cell from her coat pocket and smiles slightly. "Castle called me."

As she ought to have expected, Ryan's jaw drops almost comically and Esposito's arms slacken. "He what? You mean he's got away?" Esposito asks.

Sadly, Kate shakes her head. If only. "No. I think that… I think that Maddox let him call me to prove that Castle's still alive and he's in control here. Like he's taunting me… Us." She quickly amends, flushing slightly.

Esposito nods, suddenly in detective mode. "Right. We'll contact your service provider and get them to send us the call and we can-"

"No need." She grins, fingers clutching her phone like a lifeline. "My phone records all calls."


	9. Chapter 9

**in the shallows**

**I am still- as always- completely blown away with your response to this fanfiction. I love you all so much! I insist on a group hug. Anyway, I just want to apologize in case things because a little… iffy. I've never written for any cop shows before, so I've never written about investigations and such, but I promise you I'll try my best.**

* * *

Kate, Ryan and Esposito all huddle around her desk as Kate plays the call out loud from her phone. Ryan wields his usual notebook, pen poised patiently. Esposito has a hand on the back of her chair, face a mix of concentration. Kate hopes she looks like she's paying attention. Somewhere the back of her mind is, listening out for indications of his whereabouts, but mostly she's focusing on not blushing over the amount of desperation she can hear in her voice. And the amount of love she can hear in Castle's. And Ryan and Esposito can no doubt hear it, too.

When Castle assures her that he's fine, that the bullet was just one to the arm which has caused no damage, she feels some tension drain from the pair behind her. Although she had already known, she still feels that same sense of relief wash over her. Castle is fine, she tells herself. He's going to be alright.

After she asks Castle if he knows where he is, she hears the same muffle sound as before. She quickly pauses the recording, looking up at Ryan and Esposito as if they have all the answers in the world for her. "Before, when I was actually on the phone, I couldn't really think what that might be. But… I think it's possible that Maddox was in the room with him, or someone who works for him anyway."

Esposito nods, his face solemn. "Yeah. They must have been there to make sure that Castle didn't give away any information that could lead us to him."

Kate sighs sadly, pressing play on the recording again and mumbling. "I was right then. They really were just using the phone call to taunt me."

She remembers this part. It's when they fell silent, and she had wondered what to say, and wished that Castle- the man with the words- would use the words right then. However, this time it's different. Before she had been so wrapped up in her own thoughts and wallowing that she hadn't noticed it. But she hears it now. And when she glances at Ryan and Esposito, they can clearly hear it too. It's small, and it's barely a lead, but it's something.

It's the sound the sea.

She pauses the recording once again. "He's being held near sea." Ryan says, jotting down what he's just said on his notebook.

Esposito thinks for a moment. "This guy is pretty good at lying low. It would probably be someplace we wouldn't think to look. Somewhere nobody goes."

Kate runs her fingers through her hair, biting her lower lip. "Docks!" She cries, and both Ryan and Esposito jump. "It could be abandoned docks. We never would've thought he'd have been held there. We jump to the conclusion he's being held in some run-down part of the City, or in this guys' creepy basement- Never an abandoned dock. Think about it," Kate says, feeling hope bubble inside of her. "There would be warehouses nearby. It's far from any houses or apartments, and nobody would be hanging around an abandoned docks. Nobody would have a reason to see anything or hear anything suspicious."

Ryan looks up from his notes. "I'll go find out how many abandoned docks there are in New York." He suggests, and she nods in permission- Even though she doesn't even have her badge or gun anymore and _technically _shouldn't even really be here.

As Ryan heads off back to his desk, Kate presses play on the phone again, leaving just her and Esposito to see if they can narrow anything down.

The muffled sound plays again, which they've now listed as someone making sure Castle says the right things. Castle's voice is panicked and rushed as it falls through the recording, and she closes her eyes as it cuts through her heart. He's begging with her. Begging with her not to get herself killed, and she can't promise him that. And she hears her attempts at reasoning with him, her voice desperate and raw with- What is that? Determination? Hope? But all she knows is that it hurts to relive all of this, makes her ache deep into her bones, and that Esposito should not be listening to this private conversation between her and Castle. Her heart feels that way, anyway. However, the detective side of her knows they need to listen and make sure there are no other clues.

And then there it is.

_I love you, Kate. You know that, right? Remember it, okay? I love you. So much._

She lowers her head, eyes squeezing tight as she tries not to cry. The bitter tears sting, but she won't allow them to escape. Not here. Not now. She can cry when Castle is back and they will not be sad tears, they will be tears of relief. And she knows he'll be back. There's no _if _to whether she can find him or not. She will find him. Or she will die trying.

Kate jumps slightly when she feels a hand squeeze her shoulder. She looks up with her watery eyes to see Esposito giving her a sympathetic smile. She hates that she find herself taking comfort in the smile, when the least she wants is pity.

"We'll find him. You know we will." Esposito assures her, releasing her shoulder from his grip.

Kate forces a smile in his direction as she lifts from her chair. "Yeah." She agrees with a sigh, heading over to the precinct's murder- No, _not _ a murderboard right now. "I will." She adds under her breath, as she takes a pen and writes 'DOCKS' in large, capital letters beneath 'possible locations'.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, and Ryan heads back over to her with the eagerness of a puppy, eyes bright. She looks up from the mug of coffee she'd been staring into but never drinking for the past ten minutes, eyebrows raised. "Anything?" She asks, though she can tell by the look on Ryan's face that there is something.

Ryan grins. "Yeah. Turns out there's only 3 abandoned docks in the whole city, so we don't have a long list. They're all pretty close, too."

"Good." She nods. "This means-"

"Kate Beckett."

The voice makes her startle so much she knocks her mug of coffee into her lap. Luckily, the thing is completely cool compared to what it was when she first made it, but she curses under her breath when it completely wets the front of her legs. With a frustrated growl, she quickly grabs the mug to stop more coffee from spilling onto her lap and turns with what she hopes is an impassive face to see Captain Gates standing behind her with one raised eyebrow and a hand on her hip. Kate hasn't missed the fact she called her 'Kate' instead of 'Detective'.

"Care to explain what you're doing in my precinct?"

In the corner of her eye, Kate notices Ryan slip a piece of paper onto her desk subtly before backing off, and refrains from grinning. Trying to act as dignified as she can with coffee staining her front, Kate stands and sends a condescending smile Gates' way. "I was just leaving."

"I asked you a question, Beckett." Gates almost growls, hand twitching slightly on her hip. Ah, she's definitely very angry then.

Kate rolls her eyes, and watches as the act makes Gates stand taller, sending an even bigger glare her way. "Castle called me. We got a lead from it. Ryan and Esposito were just going to check up on it now. So instead of wasting time arguing, I think you should carry on doing your job." Kate replies lightly, grabbing her coat and surreptitiously slipping the piece of paper Ryan left on her desk into her pocket.

Gates scowls at her. "How about you stop telling me how to do _my _job, Beckett? As I recall, you've lost yours." Gate throws back.

Oh. That one stings a little. Regardless, Kate folds her coat over her arms and simply nods. "Fine. I'll just be going." She turns on her heel and heads to the elevator before they can argue further.

Once the elevator doors are closed and she's safely out of Gates' sight, Kate rummages through her coat pockets for the paper Ryan gave her, wondering if it really _was _what she hoped it was. Her fingers close around the paper and she pulls out it, grinning widely as she takes it in.

It's the addresses of the docks.

She takes a cab back to her apartment, answering in one syllable questions to the cab driver when he questions the coffee all down her front. Kate suspects that she also looks extremely tired, too, but the adrenaline buzzing through her veins caused by the possibility she may have found Castle makes her feel more awake than she has in 3 days. There's no way this lead is wrong. She knows it'll lead her to him.

After changing into another set of new clothes as quickly as possible, Kate opens her safe for the second gun she always keeps locked up at home that Gates, luckily, seems to know nothing about. The reassuring feel of the cold metal in her hands makes her sigh happily as she loads it, then tucks it into the inside pocket of her jacket. She needs to look as unsuspicious as possible, in case they have people on the lookout.

As she's leaving, she receives a text from Ryan. _Heading for the closest one first. Be careful._ She grins at that. Since when has she ever put her safety first?

* * *

The docks she arrives at, the furthest away, are derelict and almost remind her of a cemetery. Grey warehouses line it, cracked and windows smashed, with parts of some of them even missing. Yes, this is definitely a place she can imagine Castle being held.

She parks her car out of sight, taking a moment to breathe. Although she's never put her safety first, she knows that she's no use to Castle if she goes in there gun blazing and gets shot before she even finds him. Patting her inside coat pocket, she makes sure her gun is still there, before climbing from the car.

The first warehouse, she knows, is no good. She doesn't even need to enter it. The front wall has crumbled apart, and she can visibly see inside. There's no trace of life there. The second is the same, though the wall looks more like it's been blown apart, with no trace of life. When she reaches the third, which seems to be the most stable of the lot, she holds her breath and blindly hopes for a miracle. After all, third time lucky.

As quietly as she can, Kate grabs the door handle and slowly pushes it open, wincing slightly as it creeks. The place is almost pitch black, save for a small amount of sunlight filtering in through a hole in the roof, since the windows are boarded up from the inside. Automatically, she reaches for her gun, but then sees an object laying in the spot light by the sunlight. She pauses, debating whether this is a trap or not, and listens for any sign of life. They could be hiding in the shadows, for all she knows. But as she holds her breath she hears no other sounds of quiet breathing, or footsteps on the ground. All there is to hear is the sound of her trembling heart and the waves of the ocean crashing into one another outside.

Once she decides it's safe to approach, Kate tucks her gun back into her jacket and heads towards the object. As she gets further towards it, she realises it's a small wooden box. She quickly jogs to the object and picks it up, examining it.

On top of the box, a folded piece of paper is sellotaped down. Frowning, she rips it off and hesitantly unfolds the piece of paper.

_Nice try, Kate. _

Kate gasps loudly. No. No, how could they have known she was coming here? How could they have known that she has heard the sea and found out about this place? How could they have done so and moved Castle in so little time? How could she have failed him once again?

Fingers trembling now, Kate slowly opens the box, dreading what she finds inside.

It's a bullet. Covered in dried blood. No doubt it's the same bullet that hours before had been lodged inside Castle's arm.

Practically throwing the wooden box to the ground, Kate lurches backwards, head spinning. How could she have been too late? She was so sure he was here. But he was gone. If she'd just been minutes before, maybe she might've burst in on them. She might've saved him. She might've seen his blue eyes light up and grin when he saw she'd kept her promised and was saving him. She might've shot them all, Maddox included, in a fit of rage. She might've seen nothing but Castle. She might've held him so tightly and cried and told him it was okay. That she was here now. And she loved him, too.

"Castle." Kate gasps out loud, and it's only then that she realizes she's sobbing. Not small tears that run down her cheeks, but thick, salty tears that come two by two, low moans escaping her as sob upon sob causes her body to jerk. She falls to her knees, places her hands where he might've been just minutes ago. "I'm so sorry, Castle."


	10. Chapter 10

**in the shallows**

***Deep breath to calm myself * Oh my. I can't believe that this passed 100 reviews. And 23k+ views! I love you all! Hugs and kisses to you. Sorry this took a while, I found myself suffering from little old writers block. Pfft.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Castle. I probably never will since I have no shred of talent. However, I would _not_ object if Stana ever wanted to be my girlfriend or anything. I volunteer as tribute, actually.**

* * *

Eventually, she collapses in a messy heap on the hard, cold floor, limbs unable to support her any longer. She wants to stand up. She wants to wipe the tears away. She wants to phone Ryan and tell him to get here as soon as possible. She wants to be strong- for Castle.

But she's been playing strong for years, and she's so damn _tired._

So she lies there, heaving with sobs and trembling, for what feels like infinity stretched out to torture her, as she slowly loses every shred of hope she has ever held for Castle's well-being. Here she is, with a box containing the bullet he was once on the receiving end of, with no idea what to do. Kate had been so sure he was here. So _sure._

A small buzzing sound distracts her from her thoughts, and she rolls onto her back, gasping deep breaths in order to fill her aching lungs. She reaches for her coat pocket and pulls out her cell, less than surprised to find Ryan's name filling the screen. She could so easily not answer. She could so easily lay here until all of time and space dissolved to nothing, and oblivion was the new consciousness. But she knows- she _knows _that she owes it to Castle to answer.

"Beckett." She answers, and is instantly horrified by how devastated and lost her voice is- broken and full of tears.

"Kate? God- What is it? I was just- just warning you that we're headed to the third address now and since you weren't at the last two I assumed… Is there- Anything? Are you in danger or something? God, I knew I never should've-"

"Ryan." She cuts off his rambling, voice sharp in an attempt to disguise how she really is feeling from him. "I'm not- not in any danger. I'm…" Kate sighs, biting her bottom lip and closing her eyes as she lies on the floor, trying not to sob all over again.

Ryan's voice is low and sad when it does, eventually, break the silence. "He's not there… Is he?"

"No, Ryan… He's not here." She confirms quietly.

* * *

They do not arrive for another ten minutes. She manages to compose herself in that time, collects the box from the place she had thrown it to, and waits outside patiently, studiously ignoring what had managed to tear her apart inside the warehouse.

Gates looks less than pleased when she steps out of her car, storming straight towards Kate. Kate pushes off from the warehouse she's leaning against and patiently waits the berating she is surely going to get. Over Gates' shoulder, she catches Ryan's eyes, and he looks both completely guilty and tremendously sorrow-filled all at once. Odd. She's been so focused on finding Castle- being the important one who saves him- that she's forgotten how much he really meant to Ryan and Esposito. Ryan didn't slip her the addresses for her. Esposito did not meet her at the precinct at 5am for her. They were doing it for Castle.

Oh, Castle.

"What- On _Earth- _are you _doing _here, Beckett?" Gates chokes in disbelief on her words, shock written across her face.

Kate sighs. "Sir, you kicked me from the force- and, yeah, I get it. I went against the rules, and your orders, so I deserve to be punished. But," Kate realizes she's sounding like she's pleading with Gates to understand "that doesn't mean I can't save my partner. With or without a badge, I'm going to save Castle."

Gates heaves a long, heavy sigh. She looks disappointed, as she did on the day she suspended Kate, and Kate oddly finds that she doesn't like Gates looking at her like that. Strangely, all this time, Kate has only ever wanted her respect. She's still not quite sure as to why, or why it should matter now, of all times.

"Kate." The use of her first name surprises her, as well as the softness to Gates' voice. "I don't think you really realize why I suspended you."

Kate stares at her quizzically. "You told me. I went without back-up, I-"

"No, Kate. That is not why I suspended you. If it was, don't you think I would've suspended Esposito too?" Gates asks her quietly. She pauses for a moment, as if sizing Kate up, to see whether she's ready for the truth. "Kate, I suspended you because I know how close you and Castle are. I know what it's like to lose a partner. I know the drive for justice you feel. But you, in that situation?" Gates shakes her head. "I was so worried about where it would send you. I'd heard all about you before I was assigned to be the Captain of the twelfth. Not just that you were the youngest female to make detective- But how much of a dedicated cop you were, how you would stop at nothing for justice, especially for your Mom's case; even if that meant hurting those closest to you and, most importantly, yourself."

Kate stares, astounded, at Gates, unable to form words in response.

Gates continues as she studies Kate's reaction via the expression on her face. "So I knew that you mixed with this would end badly. I knew that, even if you did get Castle back, you'd probably get yourself killed while doing so. And if you didn't get him back, you still would anyway. And I knew I wasn't going to stand there and let such a young, talented but _reckless_ woman throw her life away without doing anything to stop it."

Gates finishes her explanation with a rather shy smile, ignoring those in the background who had just burst into the warehouse, where they'll find the box Kate lost hope in, and the bullet that she found grief.

"I… Didn't realise that you…" Kate manages to stammer eventually, shocked at the heavy weight of emotion in Gates' voice, still barely catching up with what she has confessed.

Gates _laughs- _it's small and it's short but it's a laugh all the same. "I've a reputation to keep up, Beckett. I am, after all, Iron Gates."

Oddly, Kate feels her mouth curve into a small smile. "I guess you're right." She mumbles.

"So now I'm telling you to go home, Beckett. Get some rest. Keep yourself safe. Castle wouldn't want this."

Kate knows she's right.

The truth is an ugly thing.

* * *

When she arrives home forty minutes later, exhausted and oozing stress, she does not expect sleep to come easily, just as it had not last night. However, the moment she sets herself down on her couch, she's instantly lost in the haze of dreams and nightmares. Apparently, three days without sleep is pretty tiring.

But she still, yet again, cannot sleep for long. The nightmares are vivid. His blood is everywhere, his body thrashing in pain on the ground and she hovers by him helplessly. Her hands are stained with it all, crimson and sticky and it's _his blood _and she doesn't know what to do. Then he's pushing her away, mutters of how he doesn't want her, has never wanted her, will never want her-

He's dead before she can even begin to protest.

Kate's eyes fly open as she gasps, awakening with a pounding heart and sweating palms on her couch. There's a recurring knock reverberating through her apartment, and she sighs, rises on unsteady feet to answer the door without, once again, looking through the peephole. She really ought to start doing that.

Before she knows it, Lanie is pulling her into a bone-crushing hug, restricting her of any air she once held. "I'm so sorry, honey." She whispers into her hair, rubbing her back soothingly. "I'm so sorry."

When she finally releases her, Kate allows her to walk into her apartment. "You shouldn't be apologizing to me, Lanie. I should be apologizing to you."

There it is again, the sadness- this time in Lanie's eyes. And of course, it rightfully belongs there. Castle was someone Lanie has grown accustomed to seeing in the morgue and at crime scenes for four years now. She didn't only care for him because she knew how Kate felt, but she cared for him as a friend. It seems, to Kate at least, that Castle has more of an effect on people than he realises. Next Gates will turn up to her apartment begging her to bring Castle back.

"Me?" Lanie looks puzzled. "Why would you need to apologize to me?"

Kate inhales deeply, pushing away from the door to sit on the couch, motioning for Lanie to sit with her. "Castle was your friend as much as Ryan and Esposito's, and he's been taken. It's all my fault." Kate confesses, running a hand over her worn face.

Lanie doesn't move from her spot, staring at Kate like she's just spouted a second head. "Would you like to explain to me how on earth it is _your fault_?"

Kate looks down at her hands as she speaks, ashamed. "He left and I didn't stop him. He had no-one to… to protect him. And I ran head-first at my Mom's murder, and I- I should've _known _that Castle would be targeted, because of how close we were. I… I should've known, should've never let him… never let him leave…" Kate whispers hoarsely, too tired to cry but too tired to hide her pain.

"Oh, no, honey, that was _not _you-"

Lanie stops mid-sentence, causing Kate to frown. When she doesn't continue, Kate looks up to find Lanie is stopped in front of her makeshift murderboard with a tired look crossing her face as she takes it all in.

"Lanie?" Kate prompts, concerned.

With tears in her eyes, Lanie turns back to Kate. "Please tell me you're not being this stupid, Kate. Please tell me I'm seeing things."

"I- What?"

"Surely you must know what kind of danger you'd get into if you head into this on your own? What happens if you stumble upon a lead and find Castle, no back-up and up against a trained killer- and God knows who else has been hired to take you down?" Lanie's voice grows louder as she speaks, panicking. "I know how you feel about him, honey, I really do, and I understand that you want him back. But you can't do this!"

Lanie's voice freezes Kate on the spot, and she finds herself unable to stand and beg Lanie to see things from her point of view, to understand how much she needs to be the one to save Castle.

"I…"

Lanie glares at her. "There are no excuses for this, Kate. You are not going at this on your own, okay? You're just- You're not."

Kate slumps into her couch, hiding her face in her hands. "Lanie, I need to bring him home. I can't let them keep him away from me."

Suddenly, Lanie is crouching in front of her, pulling her hands away from her face so she can meet her eyes. "Honey, I know. I _know. _But he will never forgive you if you lose your life to this. Just… Talk to Gates. Get your job back. Do it the _right _way, Kate. Don't get yourself killed."

Swallowing her cries, Kate shrugs her shoulders. "I want my job back. I don't want Castle to- to hate me for doing it this way. But Gates is… Protecting me. She's scared I'll get myself killed if I'm on the case." She explains, looking back down at her lap.

"Then go in there and promise her you won't."

Lanie's voice is blunt and sharp, and the lack of understanding startles Kate. How can she ask that of her? Lanie claims she knows how she feels, but she really doesn't. Kate will tear apart anyone who stands in her way, rip them limb from limb and throw herself on the line if it means bringing him back to those who love him. Alexis. Martha. Herself. How is she ever supposed to look Alexis and Martha in the eye again if she doesn't exhaust her every way of bringing him home? How is she supposed to look at them and know she could've brought Castle back if she hadn't put her life before his own?

"I can't do that, Lanie." Kate confesses in a whisper.

Lanie squeezes her hands. "Then you will never bring him home at all."


	11. Chapter 11

**in the shallows**

**Disclaimer: Sometimes in my dreams I own Castle and everything related to it. That's all.**

* * *

The butt of a gun makes a solid _crack _echo through the new, dark room they've brought him to when it comes into contact with the back of his head. He falls to his knees immediately, wincing but refusing to show the pain he's in. Honestly, his body is on fire. The bullet wound in his arm has never caused his arm to burn so much, and it's just spreading. Spreading and spreading and spreading. The furious beating he's getting right now isn't helping things all too much either.

"I'll repeat the question, shall I? Maybe this time you'll be feeling a little more… co-operative." The man drawls lazily.

"You're not getting anything out of me." Castle hisses quietly, with more bravery than he honestly feels.

The man laughs, short and harsh and low. "Oh, come on now, Rick. I can call you Rick, can't I?" He teases, underlying threats beneath his words. "I just want to know who you got the information from."

It's funny, because Castle is honestly telling the truth. "I'm telling you, just like I've told you the past ten times, I _don't know._"

Castle is rewarded with a heavy punch to the gut, which effectively knocks all traces of oxygen from him and forces him onto his back, heaving for air. But it's worth it. The pain is worth it. He has to protect her; he cannot let these men near her. She's made mistakes, she's pushed him away, but he will always, _always _protect her. That's what partners are for.

* * *

Once Lanie leaves, Kate crawls back onto her couch for sleep. Her bed is too big and hollow for just her. Even though he's never been there, she can just imagine the ghost of him beside her, fast asleep with mussed hair. These dreams- wishes? - pain her much more heavily than the nightmares of him bleeding and dying. Because she knows which one is more likely to ever come true, and she doesn't ever want to begin grieving for him and the time they never had together as if it were already too late to save him.

Somehow, she finds that she manages to sleep solidly through the night. She wakes just as the sun is beginning to rise over the city in the orange-hazed sky, a new day with new hopes and new chances rising. Just… not for her. Not for him.

She showers slowly, allows the scalding water to burn deep into her skin, not quite working away the tensed muscles and knots. But it numbs them, if only for a moment.

Once she's showered and dressed, hair pulled back into a sloppy ponytail behind her unlike her usually perfect hair, she grabs her keys and walks determinedly out of the front door. She'll talk to Gates, just like Lanie suggested before. She'll promise her that she won't get herself killed looking for Castle, just like Lanie suggested before. She'll get her job back to find Castle, just like Lanie suggested before. What they don't need to know is that it's a lie. There's no way that she could ever promise them that and mean it.

But the moment she walks out of her building, the pair of men who'd been protecting Alexis and Martha emerge from a car with _'Yeah, right'_ looks on their faces. What on earth is going on?

"Gates put a protective detail on me?" She asks incredulously before they can tell her to get back in her building.

The older man of the two, who she remembers is called Mitchells, smiles rather shyly. "Uh, it was actually something she just agreed to when Esposito suggested it."

_Esposito? _If she was going to have to guess who it was, he'd be right at the bottom of the list. He'd been more than willing to tag along with her on their quest for Maddox, had never challenged her like Castle or Ryan, and furious had been an understatement when he'd found out Ryan had told Gates about them. This was… surreal.

"Aren't you supposed to be protecting Alexis and Martha?" She snaps, worrying for their safety.

Mitchells nods. "We were. But they… Don't need us. They have a detail on them, yeah, just not as highly-skilled as us."

Kate steps back to survey them as if they've just told her aliens have landed. Why on earth would they take _the best_ off Martha and Alexis? Do they not realise how easy Maddox could target them? Do they not remember how he escaped a graveyard of police offers and left no evidence he'd ever been there? Do they not realise how they need protection more than she does? Kate knows how to protect herself, has done a countless amount of times, so she does _not_ need this.

"Of course they do! They've taken Castle; his family could be a target too." She argues, feeling a flash of anger surge within her.

Mitchells glances at the other man, who's named Quinn. Quinn sighs and shoves his hands into his pockets. "Yeah, we know that, Beckett. But the thing is… They're being _safe. _They're not putting themselves out in danger. Damn, they're not going _looking _for trouble like you, Beckett."

"I do _not _need a babysitter." Kate growls, jaw locking. How dare he? How dare any of them? She can do what she god damn wants to, she's an adult and this is _Castle. _No _way _is she going to let any of them tell her what to do.

Quinn smiles lopsidedly. "Good thing we're not babysitters then, eh?" He tries to joke, but his eyes betray his nervousness.

* * *

After a rather savage beating, Castle curls onto a ball on his side, unable to hide his pain any longer and the searing fire burning through his veins. Gingerly, he places one of his large hands on his right side, and immediately flinches away from his own touch. At any other time, breaking a rib would've been cool. It would've come with a cool story to tell his grandchildren one day, which of course he would undoubtedly exaggerate, and would've made him sound really brave. However this is _not _the 'cool' kind of rib breaking he'd always imagined.

"You'll never touch her." Castle gasps, seeing through his tears to the man looming above him.

There's just the same calm, collected look on his face though. It doesn't make any sense. The man doesn't look like he's ever even broke into a sweat or been nervous in his life. Castle wishes that he could be the same, but the amount of times that boot beat down on his ribs, and the odd crunching noise it made on the last hit, overpower his will to ignore the pain.

"Don't underestimate me, Rick."

Castle laughs, even though his lips sting with movement. Earlier on, he'd bitten down hard on his lip in an effort not to show how much pain he was in, but ended up causing it to bleed. A lot.

"You underestimate her."

The man shakes his head. "No, I know exactly what she's capable of."

"Oh yeah?" Castle challenges, though he's really not in position to argue sprawled out on the floor aching everywhere. "Then you'll know she already knows who you are. And she's coming for you."

His lips curl into a chilling smile. "Ah. Then that changes things."

He's out of the room before Castle can say another word.

* * *

Unable, as ever, to take orders, Kate turns on her heel and begins stalking away from Mitchells and Quinn. Over her shoulder, she orders for them not to follow her.

Apparently, they too are bad at following orders. She's barely walked half a block when she catches sight of them following on the opposite sidewalk. Growling under her breath, she takes a sharp left into a dodgy-looking alley which she always makes sure to avoid at night. However it looks like she'll be taking all her shortcuts to the precinct today. Try and throw the detail off- even though she's already told them to leave her alone. She's only going to the God damn precinct!

Well, the initial idea was to go to the precinct. Things change rather rapidly all of a sudden.

It's all mostly a blur. One moment she's barely emerging from the other side of the alley, Mitchells and Quinn at the beginning of it, and then someone has their arms around her neck, a hand covering her mouth and is trying to drag her away. There's yells behind her- Mitchells and Quinn, probably- and it's only then that she realises she's in danger. So she does the first thing that comes to mind: Bites down on the hand that's covering her mouth.

Whoever it is, they release her with a gasp, and she quickly spins in their grip to throw an uppercut at them. They tumble backwards, looking rather startled, and she looks for Mitchells and Quinn in hope of back-up.

But they're in the alley: Wrestling with four other men that look twice their sizes combined.

Then there's another person on her, the cool blade of a knife at her throat, and the one before her that she'd escaped throws a punch to her gut. She flinches, but only ends up falling into the man holding the knife to her throat. They jerk, too, in surprise. So the cool blade digs harshly into her collarbone and she yells out, feeling nothing but stinging and burning and bleeding.

* * *

Once he regains the ability to stand, Castle throws himself at the metal door that traps him in this hell hole of a room. "Hey! Come back here!" He yells bravely, because he's fairly certain he's just said the wrong thing and has landed Kate in trouble.

There's no reply so with his right hand curled into a fist, he pounds over and over on the door, ignoring the pain shooting through it. He continues to yell, words becoming jumbled until they're no longer words at all but just cries. He's supposed to protect her. Protect her and love her. It's the only things he's ever done and now he's royally _screwed up._

* * *

Taking advantage of the stunned man behind her, she falls to the ground and from his grip, jumping back up again to block a punch thrown at her by the other, and kick him so hard in the knees it earns a satisfying crunch.

While he's recovering from the kick, and the adrenaline is still buzzing through her veins, she turns to take on the man with the knife, only to find he's not the only one there.

"Maddox!" She cries.

Then she's lunging at him, hands aiming for his throat, because _here he is_. Here is the bastard that put a bullet in her heart and destroyed what she'd held as a life for a whole three months. Here is the bastard that caused the PTSD and made her lie to Castle. Here is the bastard that _took _Castle from her just as she was ready-

But he just… stops her. Twists her arm so far she's sure it'll break, so she kicks out, but it's useless. Then he's just picking her up as if she's nothing but a feather and throwing her into the back of a van.

She hears the _crack _of her head hitting the floor of the van, and then there's nothing.


	12. Chapter 12

**in the shallows**

**Disclaimer: You all know by now that I don't own Castle, right? However, I _do_ own Mitchells and Quinn. You know- the idiots that let Maddox steal Kate? Yeah. They're my creation… Hm. Probably shouldn't boast about that.**

**This took… ages. Yeah. Well I was too jittery to write any of this before Thursday, because GCSE's (which I did really well in so yay) and then this chapter was just one giant pain in the arse. Really. I've written this chapter over and over about 3 times and none of them feel right. But, you know, you guys were due an update. Also, the last part of _like a name in a fairytale _is half-written. So it shouldn't be too long for that either. If you've read that oneshot. (Go read it, hint hint.)**

* * *

Alexis Castle has never been an impatient person.

But when Kate Beckett didn't answer her calls after the third time, or answer her door after knocking for ten minutes straight, Alexis grows impatient.

She wants to know about her Fathers case. She'd been headed to the precinct to convince Gates to let Beckett back on the force yesterday- because she'd seen the makeshift murderboard at Kate's apartment and had known her Dad would never forgive Alexis if she let Kate go ahead with this by herself- when Gates, Ryan, Esposito and a dozen other armed policemen had run from the building and zoomed off in cars. Ryan had seen her, thrown her a grin- There was hope in that grin, she knew it- before they'd all left. So she knew. Knew they'd found a lead. So she went home and spoke to Martha, distracted herself by making extravagant breakfasts and lunches and dinners, as well as sorting through college things and combing her Dad's study for anything they might've missed, all the while waiting for the phone call from Kate to let her know they had a lead. Or had found her Dad. Or knew where he was. Or something. Just something.

But the call didn't come, and she forced herself to be patient. These guys had a hard job. She'd seen her Dad roll home at 2am, absolutely shattered but that same pleased glow he always had about him whenever they solved a case. So she waited. Barely slept. After all, the call could come at any time. Or her Dad could walk on through that door at any time.

But that didn't happen.

So the next morning she decides that she can't handle being impatient anymore and rings Kate. She doesn't answer. So after she's dressed, she calls again. She doesn't answer. On her way to Kate's apartment, she calls again. She doesn't answer. Then Alexis arrives at the apartment, knocks timidly for a moment, and when there's no answer she knocks louder. Yells through the door. Over and over again. For ten minutes.

A neighbour, an old lady, shuffles from the apartment next door. "Kate left earlier this morning, dear. Though I'm sure she can hear you from wherever she is." The lady jokes, but Alexis' heart sinks.

If Kate's not here, where is she?

* * *

Mitchells and Quinn stand before Gates, quivering beneath her steely gaze. Her gaze continues to flicker between the pair of them as they try to explain what had happened: There'd been four men set on them, three on Beckett, there was no chance they'd ever win that fight without back-up. But every time they try to spit the words out, they sound far too defensive and jumbled. Honestly, they know that they've screwed up. They never should've let Beckett walk away, should've forced her back into her apartment like Gates ordered.

Finally, Gates drops her gaze to her desk, and something like anguish flashes across her face for a moment. But then it's gone, and she returns to angry cop mode.

"Did you two not understand my orders?" Gates asks, voice smooth and cool.

Quinn looks to Mitchells for help, who gulps audibly and stammers. "W-We did, sir."

"Did you two not know how to get her back in her apartment?" Gates returns, crossing her arms over her torso.

Mitchells looks to Quinn this time. Quinn looks like a deer caught in approaching flashlights. "Well, we… There didn't seem like… There was no _sign…"_

Gates perches her glasses on her nose, looks down on them like they're something on the bottom of her shoe. "Would you two like to enlighten me as to how on _earth _you managed to become the NYPD's greatest detail?"

"Um- We-"

"Thanks to you, not only do I have a _still _missing civilian, but now a missing cop." Gates voice starts smooth, reprimanding quietly. But soon it breaks, growing louder. "Who have both been taken- one from _right under your noses- _by a well-trained assassin who you'd been briefed on so many times I've lost count. Thanks to you, I have now lost the one cop I have been trying to protect from all of this- The _best _cop I have ever met!" Gates is yelling now, fire in her eyes which causes Mitchells and Quinn to step back. At their reactions, she takes a slow, deep breath and closes her eyes. "Get out." She hisses.

They don't need to be told twice.

When Alexis arrives at the precinct, hoping so hard that Kate has her job back that her heart is practically leaping from her throat, she's disappointed to see Kate's desk empty.

"Alexis?"

She turns to find Ryan standing beside her, clutching a mug of freshly-made coffee.

Alexis opens her mouth to ask about Kate, the words dancing on the tip of her tongue, when the police officers she remembers who were assigned to protect Kate instead of her and Martha emerge from Gates' office and amble past, looking as if someone just kicked a puppy. Alexis stops, takes in the despair on Ryan's face, the way his hands are shaking around the mug he's holding and the small beads of sweat that have gathered on his brow. Something is wrong.

Something is wrong and it's not her Dad this time. Something is wrong and it is to do with Kate.

"Detective Ryan, what's going on?"

"Alexis, I think- Uh- You should-"

He tries to tug on her arm to pull her over to his desk, telling himself it would be best for her to be sitting down while he explains it all, but Alexis snaps away from him, staring at him with eyes so dark that he's never seen before.

"You had a lead. Yesterday. You had a lead and you smiled at me and Kate was investigating by herself and now she's not answering my calls or- or at her apartment and so please… _Please _tell me what's going on."

Ryan sighs, stares down into his coffee. "Alexis." He says quietly. "The man who took your father, he… Ambushed Beckett this morning."

Alexis gasps, steps forward without thinking and he looks up to meet her eyes. Sad eyes. Young eyes. Inexperienced eyes. Both of them.

"Is she okay?" Alexis demands, curling one of her hands into fists and feeling her nails digging harshly into her skin, stinging and stinging and stinging.

"I'm sorry, Alexis." Ryan whispers. "They took her."

Oh.

She fumbles for words to say. For words to even think.

She can't- can't think- can't-

Dizzy. She's so dizzy.

But scared, mostly.

Scared.

* * *

When Maddox next enters the room he holds Castle captive in, he wears a smug grin and his eyes flash with mirth. Castle is tempted to charge over to him and knock that stupid grin right off his face with his fist, but he knows this man could kill him in an instant. Not to mention the fact that he has an untold amount of people helping him out. There's no escape. No way to fight. Nothing.

And then-

A body. A limp, lifeless body thrown into the room like a ragdoll. They come crashing to the ground awkwardly, not reacting, barely even breathing. Just sharp jerks of their chest, blood staining the front of their shirt. Wait, he knows that shirt-

"What do you think, Rick? Do I still underestimate her?"

No.

Kate.

He shakes his head over and over, telling himself it's not her. It's just a game he's playing with him, trying to force information out of him by manipulating his emotions. But even as he's thinking it, he's crawling over to her, and he can see it's her. He can already smell her, wrapping around him, consuming him. So he kneels beside her, brushes her air-dried curly hair behind her ears and rearranges her position to something more comfortable. But he still can't believe it. Her skin is beneath his fingertips, runs them again and again over the softness of her cheek. And there's solid evidence that it's her. Nobody else can look so gorgeous while knocked out and in a dingy room at completely the wrong moment.

"You bastard." Castle says lowly, not looking up at Maddox, continuing to stroke Kate's cheek. "We had a deal."

He feels Maddox's carefree smile. "Yeah, we did. And then she looked further into the case, and now we have to stop her. One way or another." Maddox states simply, and as he closes the door behind him he calls. "Not long now! Just wait 'till she wakes up, then the real games begin."

Castle steadfastly ignores him, instead leans down to press his forehead to hers, drinking in every last detail, down to each individual eyelash. God. It's so selfish, because she's going to get hurt, and he knows he's going to die, but he's so glad she's here. So glad he gets to see her one last time. He thought that he'd never see her again, would never be able to tell her all the things that had been on the tip of his tongue.

He never should've walked away. Even though she lied, he should've worked with her still. He could've prevented this. This is only happening because he left and she dove head-first into her Mom's murder. God, he's such a selfish, s_elfish _bastard.

"I'm sorry, Kate." He whispers, and the nothingness that surrounds them is deafening.

* * *

Mmm.

In her dreams, the area around her collarbone hurts, which is weird but bearable. She feels warm. All over. Inside. Outside.

"Castle." She whispers, and realises it's pitch black, her eyes are closed. Is this really a dream? It's far too strange. And too peaceful. They haven't been peaceful since he left.

"Oh, Kate."

Kate jerks awake at the sound of his strangled voice, eyes shooting open to find Castle cradling her like she's made of precious china. And oh. Oh, she hopes this is not a dream. Because if it is this dream is going to kill her. Because there's so much love and relief and despair in his eyes that she's never seen before, could never deal with, could never acknowledge; she can't have that taken away from her.

Still, her right arm is too heavy to lift, so she lifts her left while still feeling terribly sluggish. Her left hand lands heavily on Castle's cheek, and she stares at him with wonder, finally feeling alive for the first time in days.

"Kate, I didn't want to- But you're bleeding and- So your top, we need to- Just to check it out."

He looks so worried. Caring for her wellbeing. Kate finds herself smiling at that, and before she knows it tears of joy are spilling rapidly from her eyes. She can't control them, doesn't want to- Not when he's looking at her as if he cares and holding her as if it's all so right.

"Please don't- No, Kate, don't cry…"

Castle shifts her awkwardly in his arms to drag her up so that her head rests on his shoulder, and her left arm falls from his face to grip his shoulder tightly. Squeezing. His head falls to her shoulder, too, but this can't be real. It needs to be real.

"Castle." When she speaks, her voice is rasp but gentle. "Oh, Castle, I found you."


	13. Chapter 13

**in the shallows**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Castle. I can't even decide if I want to _be _Stana Katic or I just love her.**

* * *

Castle's breath is hot on her ear, staccato heartbeat pressing through his chest that she can feel as she presses her body closer to his- Needing this, needing him.

"Kate." He whispers.

"Shh." She orders through the haze of tears.

There's no time for talking. She just wants to hold him, and never let him go again, never let him walk away or allow herself to hold him at arms-length. This is all she wants, all she needs, and she's never letting go.

"Kate, you're bleeding." He murmurs into her ear, one of his large palms hesitantly rubbing across the small of her back.

Oh. She is? That would explain the burning she feels on her right collarbone, and how it hurts too much to move her right arm. But it doesn't matter. Not now. She just needs this for a moment. She's just asking for a moment amidst the panic and the guns and the blood. Why can't he just give her a moment?

"Don't care." She replies eventually, breath washing over his neck. There's a moment where she feels him shiver, but then it's gone.

"Don't- Care?" Castle's words are strangled, like he's having to force them from his mouth, and she doesn't like it. This should be easy, like it always was easy, like it always should be easy. They were always _easy _most of the time.

"No." She confirms with a small puff of hair, and ever so delicately lets her lips brush the underside of his jaw.

With painful delicacy, Castle untangles her from his arms so they're simply kneeling before each other, knees brushing. But it's not enough. She's not letting him go. She needs to feel him- feel real. So she takes advantage of the fact he's being so gentle with her, as if she'll break, and leans forward to rest her forehead against his. Oh. Oh, Castle.

"Please let me help you." Castle pleads in a whisper, and she delights in the way his breath washes over her mouth, how she can taste him on the tip of her tongue. She wants more, so much more, she wants him. Always.

"Just let me have this, Castle. Let me have this." She tells him, her left hand reaching up to tug his neck towards her when he tries to pull away.

He sighs, but presses his forehead to hers again, allows her to play with the hairs at the nape of his neck. How can she possibly stand the pain? There's so much _blood, _thick on his hands as it leaks through the fabric of her top. She must be in so much pain, so much unbearable pain, and he doesn't know what's caused it and she won't let him _help _her. And in any other situation, he would be thinking about the brush of their knees, the softness of her skin in contact with his, and the way he eyes stared into his own. But all he can see is her lying on the grass of the cemetery, blood seeping through the material and onto his hands with a bullet in her heart.

"I don't want to see you hurt." Castle tells her sincerely, not caring about the raw concern in his voice.

And she _smiles. _He can feel it. The way her forehead crinkles against his, her eyes twinkling in delight and the ever-so-soft brush of her lips against his when they curve upwards.

"I'm not hurting anymore, Castle."

"_Kate-"_

"You're here. You're alive. I found you." She murmurs softly, still unable to fight the grin from her face. She doesn't want to stop smiling anyway. "So… I'm not hurting anymore."

Castle opens his mouth to speak, still trying to convince her to let him help, but in a flash her mouth is on his. Castle jumps in surprise, but she takes advantage of his already open mouth, being anything but delicate. His mouth is suddenly invaded with the feel of her tongue, warm and wet and twining with his. But he's still stuck frozen, unable to be anything but paralysed, as she tries to coax him from it. She nips lightly on his bottom lip, tracing the line of his mouth with the tip of her tongue, left hand fisting in his hair, and then leaves him with the tingling sensation of love on his lips.

Her breath is jagged when she pulls away, face simply inches away from his. Castle opens his eyes, finds her own staring back at him with emotions he's never seen before dancing across her face. He doesn't know what to say, he doesn't even know what to think right now. His mind keeps replaying it over and over, the feel of Kate Beckett in his arms, on his lips, in his mouth. She's as consuming as she ever has been, eating away at him from the inside out that he feels like he may fall to pieces if he loves her anymore.

"Castle." She whispers, heartbeat pounding in her ears, eyes dark with lust and love. "I'm gonna get you out of here, okay? I'm gonna take you back to Martha and Alexis and I'm never letting you go again. Okay? I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere."

He can't stand it anymore.

Castle pulls away from her, stands to his feet and leaves her kneeling on the ground beside him, staring at him with a distraught look on her face. God, she cannot lose her life to this. Maddox _knew _what she was like- How she will stop at nothing to fight for what she believes is right. And here she is: No boundaries, no stopping, no fear.

"Castle?"

She hasn't moved from her spot on the floor, chooses to watch him and his internal struggle. Castle's fingers flex, trying to fight off wave after wave of anger that threatens to drown him. Because she's _here._ This is his last chance to see her before he dies and he doesn't want their last memories of each other to be this: Anger and fire and rage.

"Please stop, Kate." Castle turns to her, pleading. "Please stop being so god damn stupid and let me help you. Let me help you get away from this. Just _let me._"

Whatever words she had been planning to say die on her tongue, catch in her throat. Damn. This stupid man and his stupid need to protect her and love her and her stupid need to protect him.

"I am going to _die _here, Kate, whether you're here or not. I know it. And I need you to get you away from this, to keep you safe." Castle tells her, falling back down and onto his knees before her. Gently, he cups her cheek, feels the wetness of her tears on the soft skin. "I need you to get away and be safe. I need you to never put yourself in harm's way again. I need you to tell my Mother and Alexis that I love them and that I'm sorry. I need you to forgive me for walking away. I need you to let me love you, and do this for me."

But Kate just shakes her head, more tears glittering amongst her green eyes. "Castle, you're not going to die." She tells him, reaching out to fist her hands in his shirt. "You're not _allowed _to just die on me."

All he can offer her is a humourless laugh. "Kate, the world doesn't abide by what _you _want."

She keeps shaking her head frantically, sobbing, and clutching his shirt so fiercely he thinks it'll rip. "No, Castle, I only just found you. I'm not letting you go again."

Softly, Castle covers her hands with his own, pulling them away from his shirt. She stills, barely breathing, staring at him in despair. So ever so slowly he reaches in and kisses her so heartbreakingly and more tender than he's ever known, feeling her lips trembling with fright against his.

"I'm sorry, Kate." He whispers.

He's not.

* * *

Ryan knocks eagerly on Gates' office door, quickly enters when she gives him permission. Gates stands behind her desk, face a mask of indifference as it always was, patiently waiting. "What've you got?"

"Uh." Ryan starts, gripping a file in his hands as if his life depends on it. "We got a partial print from Quinn's arm, and another from Mitchells. We matched them together and ran them through our database. We got a match."

Gates grins.

* * *

Kate agrees to let him help her.

The majority of the right side of her torso is in too much pain to move, so instead of pulling her top off, they opt for pulling the top of the shirt down. (Luckily it was pretty lose already). As Castle does, ever so gently, it reveals a wide, deep cut slashed across her right collarbone. Castle's breath catches at the sight of it.

"Jesus, Kate. What happened?" He asks, brushing a finger beneath the cut. She hisses.

"I- I tried to fight. But there were, two? Yeah… Two. And one of them had a knife and was holding me and…" Kate trails off, lowering her eyes to the floor.

Castle tucks his fingers beneath her chin, revelling in this new found intimacy they have with each other, and forces her to meet his eyes. "Do you feel dizzy? Tired?"

Kate chuckles. "Yeah, I do, Castle. But I haven't slept peacefully since you left."

The words break his heart.

With a steadying breath to calm himself, Castle moves his fingers away from his chin to pull his shirt off.

"Hey- Castle- What're you-"

Her eyes land on the forming scar on his left arm, ignores his bare skin and how he's currently wrapping his shirt around her shoulder and beneath her armpit to stem the bleeding. Instead her fingers reach out with a mind of their own, fingers brushing gently against the ridge of skin. Her breath comes in shallow gasps, control slipping away from her, and he can feel her fingers trembling against his skin.

"Kate, listen to me. Listen to me." He orders, and her glassy eyes move from the scar to meet his eyes. "I'm fine. I'm okay."

"That's where-?" She's unable to finish the question.

So he just nods. "That's where he shot me, yes." He confirms calmly.

Something in her eyes changes, shifts subtly as she gazes at him, and her fingers leave his arm only to pull the top of her shirt further down. It reveals a small circle of puckered skin, and all breath leaves his lungs.

"This is where he shot me too."


	14. Chapter 14

**in the shallows**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Castle, Stana would still be looking hot in those promo pictures, but they'd be more Caskett themed.**

**Also, in reply to some reviews: One of you asked about the shot part. I don't really understand what it is exactly you meant, but I'm guessing you forgot Castle was shot? By Maddox, who is holding them captive- Maddox is the one who sniped Kate at Montgomery's funeral. And: I haven't thought of how many chapters it will be exactly, but I know it should be between 20-25 chapters!**

**Thank you for all your lovely reviews, as always. I love you all!**

* * *

Castle's face is carefully blank, and she can see the way he's trying to reign in his emotion, gather control before he loses it completely. So with her shaking hand she takes his own and guides it towards the small circle of puckered skin between her breasts, feeling some sort of weight she'd never known she carried lift from her when his fingers made contact with the scar. Castle's own fingers tremble, unmoving, eyes still trained on her scar.

She smiles. "I guess we both have our battle scars from this now."

His face is still carefully blank. Eventually, his fingers curl into a fist and he pulls away from the scar, lifts his eyes to meet hers. "Yeah. I guess we do."

Of course, she knows that this hurts him- Seeing the scar for the first time. It's proof of what happened. It shows that it was real. It wasn't a nightmare or a dreaded future or a horrible daydream. It makes the blinding blue sky too bright and the pain in her chest as her life slips away from her all too painful. It makes his hands on her, trying to help her, too much like fire, the words _'I love you' _too much like ice. It makes breaking his heart all too harsh and spending three months apart all too terrible. Real.

"I'm sorry. For that summer." Kate offers the apology with a heartfelt smile.

But Castle just shrugs as if it's no big deal, and that hurts, because she doesn't want him to forgive her so easily. He has too much of a big heart, especially when it comes to her, and that's just so unfair. She should be made to fight for him, to beg for his forgiveness, to live in darkness until he does. But all she has to give him is words and a smile and all the pain and heartbreak is gone. It's horrible.

Kate releases the top of her shirt with a sigh, eases it back into its normal position. Vaguely, she recognises the make-shift bandage Castle's made from his shirt around her shoulder, but then her eyes slide down to his bare chest, and her breath catches and her heart clenches with agony and rage.

There are bruises. Some are a savage purple, dotted across his torso and back, and some are still freshly-forming. The biggest ones, purple and red and yellow and _horrible,_ surround his ribs, and she notices his breathing is far too erratic for normal. So she sways towards him, still kneeling before him as he kneels before her, letting her hands slide across these bruises delicately. He holds his breath for a moment, stilling, but relaxes before she can properly register it. So she lets her hands wander across the skin, burning beneath her fingers, wishing she can simply heal him with just her touch and nothing more. She hates this. Hates that he's been hurt because of her and her stupidity, because she wasn't good enough for him to stay.

"God, Castle, what did they do to you?" Kate whispers with a tremble in her voice as her hands travel up his torso, finds a forming bruise beneath his collarbone.

"It doesn't matter, Kate."

Then she's fisting her hands in his hair, shifting forwards quickly so she settles between his bent knees, something like disbelief in her eyes. "It might not matter to _you, _Castle, but it matters to _me." _She tells him fiercely, hands tightening painfully in his hair.

All he can think is how intimate she's being with him, how she's kissed him of her own accord, allowed him to tend to her injuries, looked at him as if he matters more than he ever thought he did to her. "I don't understand." He tells her, feels her hands loosen slightly in his hair. "I don't understand why you care so much."

Kate grits her teeth, hands falling from his hair to squeeze tightly on his shoulders. That pains him in ways she doesn't understand, sends burning to all his bruising and aching areas, but he doesn't comment and tries to mask the pain.

"No, you don't, Castle. You don't understand. And I guess that's my own fault for not being enough, for letting you fall out of love so easily." Kate's voice starts strong, but falls to a whisper, like she can barely believe the own words are falling from her lips.

Fall- Fall out of love? What on _earth _is the woman going on about now?

Kate doesn't give him a chance to argue, simply continues as if she can't stop. "You don't understand because you can walk so easily away from me but I can't walk away from _you- _and I don't even _want _to. I don't _want _you to be gone, I don't _want y_ou to be hurt, and I don't _want_ you to be here because I looked into my Mom's murder. I want you to be happy and I want you all to myself even though I know that I don't make you happy. And maybe you understood once, when you loved me too, with that bullet in my heart and you thought you'd lost me- But I _never _lost that feeling, not once, Rick. So _that's_ why I care so much, you… you ass."

* * *

Gates, Ryan and Esposito stand before their murderboard, Ryan reading rapidly from a file he holds in his hands as Esposito presses a photo to the board.

"His name is Matthew Bell. He's been caught once for possession, and known for carrying illegal firearms. This is the first we've heard of him dealing with Maddox. But…" Ryan pauses, grimacing. "The address we have for him is actually a fake- And he's known for hiding behind fake names."

Gates bites down on the edge of her glasses between her teeth. "Financials?"

Esposito speaks up this time, from a file he holds. "That's why we believe he was targeted to help Maddox. According to financials, he was in some serious debt, and probably to some seriously dangerous people. What we _do _have, though." Esposito flips through the file, grinning. "Is a cell phone registered to him. We have his call records and he seems to have called the same number for the past week. We contacted his service provider to listen to those calls."

Gates nods. "Good work, boys. We know if he has any family? Friends?"

"Actually," Ryan interjects, "He was raised in foster care, adopted briefly as a kid, but then they passed away. We _do _however know he has connections with _this m_an." Ryan presses another photo besides the one of Bell. "Justin Lynch. Spent time in prison for attempted murder, recently released. And I mean very recently. He was released two days before Castle was taken."

Esposito steps forwards, a frown on his face. "So this whole thing was planned before? They organised it while he was still in prison? Surely they monitored his calls, heard the plan."

Ryan grimaces, looking pained. "There are no call logs for Lynch. There's no way anyone has contacted him to hire him for the plan before he was released, unless…"

Gates raises her eyebrows to encourage Ryan to continue, but a look of realisation settles on her face. "A crooked guard. They had someone on the inside." She states.

"We always knew the man behind Beckett's Mom's murder was someone powerful, someone with a badge. He must have influence over the guards there." Esposito suggests angrily.

"Right. Get a list of guards working in Lynch's part of the prison, and track down that number Bell was calling. It's most likely it was Maddox, but we may get lucky and be able to GPS track him, or, at least, be able to listen to those calls."

"On it."

* * *

Kate honestly doesn't know what she'd been expecting when all those words- all those words that she couldn't stop and didn't want to- tumbled from her lips and out between them. Maybe she was hoping for Castle to be slightly more understanding, maybe respectful of her feelings. But he wasn't. And she wasn't expecting this- Castle sitting before her, struggling to breathe, hands rising to squeeze tightly around her forearms, staring at her as if she single-handedly hung the stars and the moon.

Then the door bursts open, Maddox and 2 men trailing behind him entering the room, and the bubble that has been surrounding them is popped. Kate spins around, the one closer to the door, sitting between Castle's knees and reaching behind for him as if she can protect him from more harm.

"Let us go, Maddox." She orders lowly, feels the growl rippling through her.

Maddox laughs, turns to the burly men standing behind him. "Grab him."

"No!" Kate yells, tries to jump up to stop them but Castle's hands- so _strong _in this situation- hold her back. "Don't you dare touch him!"

The burly men start forwards, one of them tries pushing her out of the way, but she uses Castle for leverage to aim a kick towards his stomach. However he grabs her ankle just as it makes contact with his stomach, and as he jerks backwards, he pulls Kate with him. Castle grabs onto her, but she pushes him away, wanting to do nothing but protect him.

"Leave him alone!" She cries as the man releases her ankle, raises to her feet and aiming punches at the man, which he blocks as if it's second nature.

Maddox smirks. "You should've stopped, Kate. You should've stopped."

The man she's fighting with manages to grab her right arm- her _bad_ arm, and twists it behind her, raising a burning cry from her throat as she feels the wound beneath her collarbone rip wider. She's forced to look in Castle's direction, the man holding her winding an arm around her chest and squeezing tightly. It pulls the air from her; she can feel the adrenaline in her veins slowly fizzle out, dizziness melting across her mind as she watches them.

The other man grabs Castle, forces him to his feet. Castle simply grits his teeth, his eyes betraying him as they fill with pain, and stands stock still.

Maddox walks over so he stands between them, that same stupid, evil smirk on his face. "Each time you offer me valuable information, I'll refrain hurting you. However, if you don't answer my questions." Maddox reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a long, sharp blade. "Well, I'm sure I don't have to tell you what will happen then, do I?"


	15. Chapter 15

**In the shallows**

**Disclaimer: Anyone gonna sell me Castle and all its rights? Surely there's somewhere on the internet I can buy it…**

**So, yeah. I haven't updated in forever. That's because I joined Sixth Form this past Wednesday, and I'm up early and home late and have a ridiculous amount of homework, as well as constantly exhausted, so I haven't had time to write. My updates will probably become less frequent now, sorry. And probably dip in quality or length. I am really sorry about that, but there's nothing I can do about it. Education comes first.**

* * *

Ryan is almost breathless with excitement when he bursts into Gates office, eyes almost brimming over with elation.

"Captain."

Gates looks up from files on her desk, breath catching when she sees all that elation, can't allow herself to get her hopes up though. Has to ask first-

"Detective Ryan. What've you got?"

Ryan bounds over to her desk, spring in his step. "Me and Esposito put out an APB for Maddox, Bell and Lynch. We- We didn't think anything would come of it, but…"

"But?" Gates can feel it, hope burning through her veins, the fire licking at her frozen heart.

"We got a hit."

* * *

Ryan glances over at Esposito as they drive almost treble the speed limit, finds himself studying the fierce hope on the lines of the man's face, the way his fingers flex impatiently over the wheel of the car. Ryan wishes he could manage that. To push all his hope and this extra energy into just a flex of fingers, but he can't stop it all bubbling over, forcing him to squirm and bounce on his seat. Almost like Castle on a case.

Castle.

Yes.

They've found them. Well, they shouldn't get their hopes up; Maddox could've relocated again in the time it takes them to get there. But this is a solid lead. A lead they _should _have hope in. In twenty minutes they might be storming in on the whole abduction, they might see Castle and Beckett again, they might _save _them a_nd _catch Maddox at the same time.

They might.

So Ryan hopes and squirms and bounces and laughs erratically because they _might._

* * *

"I'm not telling you anything."

The low, thunderous growl rips from Castle, and Kate's eyes jerk back to him in surprise, feels the pleads on the tip of her tongue. _No, Castle, no. Don't fool around. Don't push him. Don't get yourself killed. _But they don't come out, just fizzle out as her mouth opens and closes. She doesn't want to look weak, doesn't want them to see that Castle is her weak link. But oh, Maddox already knows that, doesn't he? So why can't she just get the words out?

There's no more adrenaline in her veins.

There's just pain from the wound along her collarbone, and the odd dislodging feel from the scar between her breasts. There's just the love for Castle in her heart, and the burning protectiveness in his eyes.

Maddox turns on the spot to Castle, spins the blade he's holding in his hands. "Is that so, Mr Castle?" Maddox grins, that stupid slimy grin that twists the wrong way on her insides. "So brave." He remarks, begins walking towards him. "So… _stupid." _

"Leave him alone, Maddox. It's only me you want."

The words escape her before she realises she's saying them, they sound foreign on her tongue, but somehow strong. Though she's exhausted on the inside, it doesn't show. So when Maddox turns to her, eyebrows raised and still smiling, she raises her chin as if she holds the high ground here. She needs to buy them time. Figure something out. The last thing she needs is Castle trying to play the hero like he always does.

Maddox approaches her now, slowly, like an animal targeting its prey.

"My knife doesn't scare you, huh?" He muses, stops in front of her- so dizzyingly close she can feel his unwelcome breath on her face. "Doesn't bother you that it caused this?"

There's a flash of the blade, and suddenly there's more burning on her collarbone and a startled cry. She's not sure whether it was Castle or her that released it, she's too far past it. Damn it, she should've kept herself in shape before. Now she's falling apart because she was so… so _girly._

Maddox has used the knife to slash away Castle's makeshift bandage and part of her top, pulls it open to reveal the too-long and too-deep wound from the blade made barely an hour before, and a fresh one just caused, small and shallow but still _burning. _Fighting as hard as she can against the haze of tears, Kate grits her teeth and meets Maddox's eyes.

"Not at all."

Surprisingly, he steps away, seems rather shocked himself at the statement. But then that slow grin is back on his face. "Really? Doesn't bother you that I could kill you, _right now, _the same way your poor little Mommy was? Hm?"

Okay. That one stings, deep down into her heart and bones and the blood sloshing through her veins. But she needs to keep a clear head, not let him use her emotional background to his advantage. She needs to be strong. For Castle. Needs to keep Castle alive, needs to save him, needs to get him back to his family, needs to simply love him-

Kate barks a laugh. "Really, Maddox? All this when all you want is to kill me? I was alone so often, what's with the theatrics?"

This seems to frustrate Maddox. Oh no. Not what she meant to do at all. Back a perp into a corner and that's when they're at their most dangerous point. Could do anything. Could make mistakes, but dangerous nonetheless.

"You deserve slow and torturous, Kate Beckett."

The way he says it- with such distaste and underlying frustration- makes her heart clench tightly. What has she ever done to this man? He was simply hired to kill her. There's no personal vendetta there, not like she has for her Mom's murderer, no. So what is it about her that could cause so much dislike? Such a need to drag her inevitable death out? She knows it's coming, almost as surely as she knows she'll die saving Castle.

That's when Castle makes his stand.

"Bastard!"

"No!"

Her cries mingles with Castles, struggles uselessly against her captor as Castle shakes loose of his own, lunges towards Maddox.

No, he can't _do _this- _She's _going to be the one to play the hero card here. No!

But even as she calls out repeatedly, thrashes against the man holding her she's just too weak. Held back just like always. She can only watch as Castle tackles Maddox to the ground, wrestling wildly with the _trained assassin, _and watch as the other man dives on top, too.

Can only watch as all her efforts fall to pieces at her feet.

* * *

Ryan unholsters his gun as he climbs from the car, fixes his vest on as he stares at up at the abandoned warehouse that _might _hold Castle and Beckett. Esposito rises on the opposite side, determination on his face and steadily paces towards Gates instead of pausing for a moment like Ryan.

"Right." Gates says as the approach. "You guys," She sweeps a hand across a crowd of their back-up. "Take the east entrance. We," she sweeps towards the other side of the crowd, including Ryan and Esposito, "will take the west entrance. And remember. Whatever you do: Don't kill. These bastards need to pay, not take the easy way out. But the primary focus here is to save Castle and Beckett. Now go."

Ryan and Esposito follow Gates to their entrance, stand poised and ready before the door. Gates glances over her shoulder towards them, then nods.

They storm the building.

* * *

"Stop, please, stop- Castle!"

But her words are falling upon deaf ears, watches as this new man beats Castle within an inch of his life, large hands and feet landing everywhere. But Castle keeps fighting back. Keeps jumping back up or landing another blow to Maddox. But while the other man has Castle's attention, Maddox manages to land major wounds to Castle- makes him buck in pain beneath his grasp.

Then there's the knife. The _knife, _dammit Castle think about the _knife-_

Castle manages to push the other man to the floor, knocks the wind from him and turns- she's so _terrified _of his Castle, this isn't the man she knows, this violent and aggressive man- meets her eyes.

"Castle!"

Maddox's knife lodges itself in Castle's lower stomach, and she watches as all that violence and aggression and that underlying love for her leaves his eyes.

"NO!"

The knife pulls out and then Maddox thrusts it back into Castle again, higher this time, angled to his heart. God, no. There's all this bile rising in her throat, her insides suddenly feeling like nothing as she thinks _Not like Mom, God no, not like Mom._

Maddox pulls the knife out from him again, and Castle still stands for a moment, staring at her even as has suddenly trembling hands reach up to the wounds. But then the light leaves his eyes, they rolls backwards into his head and he collapses to the floor.

Kate breaks free of the man holding her then.

Too late.

Always too late.

* * *

The first floor is empty, and so is the second.

The third is different, though.

When they burst in, they burst into Hell.

Maddox spins on the spot when he sees them, and Ryan can't stop himself, sees the bloody knife on Maddox's face and the blood spattered across Maddox's smile- and he shoots. God help him, he shoots. Shoots both his kneecaps.

Esposito startles, grips Ryan's shoulder tightly and pulls him back as the rest storm the room, and they survey everything.

Gates already has cuffs on Lynch, another uniform cuffing Bell, both wearing matching looks of shocked horror.

That's when they see it, what had seemed like one body on the floor, is actually two.

Beckett is curled around Castle's unconscious body, face and hair and clothes stained with fresh blood. Her hands are pressing down harshly onto his stomach, jittery and trembling but determined. Despite the blood, fresh tear tracks cover her cheeks, tears rolling free as she chokes his name over and over again.

Esposito and Ryan share a look, then rush towards the scene.

* * *

"Castle. No. Castle."

It's like a praying mantra. If she says it enough, then it's not real. This isn't happening. Castle's blood isn't bubbling out beneath her hands, isn't _not _breathing as he lays on the ground. If she says it enough he's back at home in his bed warm and safe and she's- she's happy he's okay.

* * *

Beckett.

No- Kate.

Kate.

He thinks of her, as the knife lodges itself into his stomach. Watches the disbelief and anger flare her beautiful eyes.

No, wait, twice now. Oh no, he's on the floor. Where's Kate?

It hurts.

Yes, it hurts.

And he thinks of her and all the days that'll never come.

He thinks of days passed. Of Alexis born and all the warmth and love she radiates, of a flash of red hair as she runs away from him as a child laughing relentlessly, of the way her first word sounded foreign and perfect to his ears, of how Alexis still needed to be tucked in by her Dad when it was a storm, even at eighteen.

He thinks of days happening now. Of Kate, suddenly above him, pleading with him even as he closes his eyes without meaning to. Of how she loves him, of how he loves her, how he doesn't want to leave her.

He thinks of days that'll never come. Of kisses from Kate that will never be his, of how she'll never curl against him in bed, of how beautiful she'd look approaching him down the aisle.

He thinks of all these precious moments of life, dreams or not dreams, past or present or future, that he's never fully appreciated before.

Until the lights go out.


	16. Chapter 16

**in the shallows**

**Disclaimer: Castle would've returned weeks ago if I owned it. Unfortunately, I don't.**

**For those who _are _being patient and considerate of my education, thank you.**

* * *

Castle's body is lifeless beneath her hands, but she doesn't care, won't- can't- give up on him. Not even when the others filter from the room, pulling Maddox and the other two men she doesn't know the names of away with them. Not even when the paramedics burst into the room and tell her to step away. Not even when Esposito places one hand on her shoulder and says firmly: _"C'mon, Beckett, let them help."_

No. _She _needs to help him, save him. She thought she could. She has to.

In the end, Esposito winds his arms beneath her shoulders and drags her away from Castle, allowing paramedics to lift him onto a gurney.

"No, Javi." She whines. "Let me go!"

But the words are weak, and she simply allows him to pull her limp body like a ragdoll across the room, sits her down to the side.

"Beckett. You've gotta let them help."

But her mind is still spinning, and she can't make sense of anything other than _Castle's gonna die if I don't help him._

"Javi…" She whispers, feels the fright trembling through her body. "He can't _die."_

Esposito sits before her, places both his hands on her shoulders and stares directly into her eyes. "I promise you, Beckett, they're gonna do everything to stop that. Okay?"

But she shakes her head, places her hands over her ears to try and block him out. They can't just _try; _they need to make sure that he absolutely does not die. But when she closes her eyes to get rid of the sight of Esposito, she sees it over and over again: The knife sliding smoothly into his body, the light leaving his eyes, the blood bubbling beneath her shaking hands.

Kate gasps, pulling her knees up to rest her head between them, trying to even her shallow breathing and the pounding of her heart in her chest. "Javi, please let me go with him. You don't understand. He needs to be okay."

"Beckett, you're no use to him like this. Let the paramedics clean you up, and then you can go to him. Okay?"

"No." She argues feebly, trying to lift her head to look back up at Esposito, but it's too heavy and simply falls back between her knees. "No, I want to…"

"You'll see him soon enough, Beckett. Just let them fix you first."

He doesn't understand, though.

She can only be fixed by Castle.

* * *

Kate doesn't argue with the paramedics when they bundle her into the back of the ambulance, informing her that she'll need stitches and maybe a tetanus booster, too. Kate's surprised when she finds that she's pulled into the same ambulance as Castle, sits across from his lifeless body as the paramedics work on him on the way to the ambulance. When they're not looking, distracted by Castle's condition, she takes his hand and grazes her lips across his knuckles.

"I love you." She whispers into his skin, presses a soft kiss to his knuckles before, once again, letting him go.

When they arrive at the hospital, the paramedics are off with Castle before she can register they've even parked up. Another stays behind, though, to help her off the ambulance and take her inside the hospital.

"How does it look?" She asks the paramedic. "What're- What're Castle's chances of surviving?"

The paramedic looks shifty, averts her eyes to the hospital floor as they enter. "I'm not a doctor, so I couldn't say."

"You must have some idea though, right?" Kate prompts, feeling anxiety clawing away at her bruised heart.

The paramedics mouth opens and she hesitates, looks up over Kate's shoulder. She must see something she likes, because relief flashes across her face.

"This is Miss Kate Beckett. She came in with Mr Castle, the stabbing victim. Seems like they got a little handsy with a knife with her, too." The paramedic says, and Kate turns to see a kind-looking doctor standing before her.

The doctor, who introduces himself as Doctor Allen, leads her away to a separate room. Without objecting, Kate sits before him on the edge of the hospital bed as he examines her wounds, specifically those on her collarbones. Inside, Kate is impatiently thrashing around, desperate to be with Castle. But she knows that if she objects, puts up a fight, causes a fuss, then she'll see Castle later than she ever would if she just goes along with everything.

"Nothing appears infected. You'll only require a few sutures for these cuts here," Doctor Allen tells her, indicating to the knife cuts. "They're not too deep, luckily. Though I'm concerned for your injuries to your head. Tell me, do you feel nauseous, dizzy, confused?" The Doctor asks, and she recognises these as symptoms of concussion.

_Yes, _she wants to tell him. The word on the tip of her tongue. But she holds it back, because she knows it's not because of some damn concussion. She feels nauseous because Castle's blood is now drying on her skin, she feels dizzy because she hasn't eaten or slept in days, and she feels confused because all of this has happened so fast- too fast- and she doesn't know where it all went wrong to start with.

So she lies. Another lie, that will probably come back to bite her in the ass later.

"No. I'm just- Scared."

Well. Just a half-lie, really. She honestly _is _scared. No, not scared, terrified. She can't lose Castle. He's the only person she's got.

Doctor Allen gives her a sympathetic smile, and she feels her insides twist at that. She doesn't want his pity. She just wants him to fix her up so she can go to Castle. Castle, Castle, Castle.

"I don't blame you. I'd be pretty scared if I were you, too. Held hostage? I don't think I could keep it together." Doctor Allen comments rather lightly as he begins to unpack his suturing kit, doesn't meet her eyes.

Kate studies him then, takes in what he really looks like. The man can't be too much older than herself. However the blonde locks on his head are starting to thin, the bags beneath his eyes too defined for a man of his age. How many people must he see, every day, who throw themselves at danger, just like her? How many people has he fixed, just because that's his job? How many people has he lost, because there was nothing he could do?

No. Too personal. Damn, she's far too emotional right now.

Kate clears her throat as Doctor Allen begins to suture her wounds, hissing slightly at the feel of skin pulling. For some reason, her hand reaches out for the one isn't there, and she's suddenly hit again with the raw, relentless grief she feels for Castle.

"Do you know what's going on with him? With Castle?" She asks, not caring how desperate she sounds.

Doctor Allen pauses for a moment, raises his eyes to send her another one of those sympathetic smiles, before continuing on with his suturing. "They took him straight to surgery, I think."

Surgery. They're operating on him- right now- while she's stuck here being treated for a few cuts and bruises. God, wasn't it supposed to be the other way round? Hadn't that always been how they were? When did everything change without her noticing?

"How bad is it, Doctor?" Kate asks quietly, dreading the answer.

But the Doctor doesn't answer, simply finishes his suturing and steps away. "You should clean yourself up. Then maybe you can find someone with answers."

"Please." Kate begs, standing from the bed and curling her hands into fists. "You must know. You must've seen him."

Doctor Allen sighs. "I'm sorry. I need to go get in touch with his family. See you, Miss Beckett."

He's out the door before she can stop him. And she is, once again, alone with her aching heart.

* * *

Ryan pulls Esposito to one side before they interrogate Maddox. Esposito glances at him oddly, but allows him his chance to talk.

"Doesn't any of this seem too… Easy?"

Esposito crosses his arms over his chest, frowning. "What d'you mean?"

Ryan shifts uncomfortably under his gaze, tries to find something to do with his hands. "I don't know… I just… These guys. Maddox. He got away from us when he shot Beckett. And these guys have organised this whole thing while one of them was in prison. Yet we catch them just by putting out an APB? I don't know, it just seems too… easy."

Some part of him feels that Ryan is right, but Esposito pushes the thought away. "I think we should just be glad that we were lucky, bro. To find them at least."

But Ryan still seems uneasy. "You think Castle's gonna make it?"

Esposito looks down at the file he holds in his hands. "I don't know, bro. I don't know."

* * *

Kate stares at herself in the mirror, horrified by what she finds there.

That woman cannot be her. There is no way that they are the same.

Of course, there is a resemblance there. Her eyes are the same colour, her hair is the same length, and her jaw is the same angle.

But blood dries on her face, matted in her hair, on her hands and stains her clothes.

There's agony and sorrow and grief and terror in those eyes. They dart about in the mirror somehow, even as she simply takes in her face.

And her clothes are all torn. Her fresh wounds on show for everyone to see.

What a mess.

There is no way that this woman in the mirror can be her.

But it is, and she knows it, and then the tears are running down her face as the enormity of the situation hits her, and she has no choice in the matter when she crumbles to her knees.

In an attempt to stop her loud sobs, she bites down on a fist, curls over on herself. She has never felt so small.

Or so lonely.

* * *

The call comes as a shock for both Martha and Alexis. It's Martha who answers the phone, all breezy with undertones of sadness, and listens with rapt attention to the Doctor announcing her son has recently been brought along to the hospital. After the call, Martha grabs her coat and flies from the apartment with Alexis, purposely trying to ignore the fact that it wasn't Detective Beckett who had called them.

The receptionist who greets them tells them that Rick is currently in surgery, tells them to wait for a Doctor or a Nurse in chairs who will be by any moment now.

Alexis grips her Gram's hand tightly, worried eyes turning to her as they walk away. "Why would they need to take him to surgery, Gram? Is it bad? Didn't Detective Beckett say what happened on the phone?"

Martha pulls Alexis down to sit beside her, wraps an arm around her shoulder. "Oh, sweetie. I don't know. I don't know."

But Alexis just stares up at her with confusion-knotted eyebrows. "Detective Beckett would have said, though. Why didn't she say anything to you?"

Martha sighs, smoothing the young girls red hair down to buy herself time. "It wasn't Kate who called me, Alexis. It was the hospital."

Alexis straightens, floundering and panicking. Detective Beckett had been taken before, but when Martha had received the call, she'd simply assumed-

"Miss Rodgers?"

They turn to find a blonde-haired doctor standing before them, and they rise to their feet. "What's going on? What happened to my Dad?" Alexis demands, trying to keep the tears she feels rising for her Father and Detective Beckett from spilling over.

The doctor sighs, pulls on one of those professional, false-hope expressions Alexis knows not to trust in.

"Mr Castle was brought to us in a, well, a pretty bad state. We believe that he has two broken ribs, as well as three fractured ones. There are a few minor injuries, such as bruising to his torso and head, but they don't seem to be anything more than just bruises. But…"

The doctor pauses, seems unwilling for this part.

"But?" Martha prompts, unwilling to play along.

"Well. We believe that one of Mr Castle's broken ribs may have punctured a lung. As well as… Well, Mr Castle was stabbed. Twice. He's currently in surgery for both of these reasons… There is a chance he can pull through. Thanks to Miss Beckett's efforts on the scene, he hasn't lost as much blood as he would've had she not been there. But I don't want to give you false hope, here. The knife only did narrowly miss a few vital organs by mere millimetres, and he still _did _lose much more blood than would be in his favour. So we're pretty uncertain of his chances right now."

Alexis finds her head spinning, unable to let this information sink in. When her father was taken, she hadn't found it too hard to believe- She had never once doubted his lack of safety, how many people he must've upset by working with the police, how many criminals that may want revenge-

But she never thought that he'd ever _die._

"Where's Detective Beckett?" Alexis finds herself asking. "Is she okay?"

The doctor nods slowly. "I treated Miss Beckett myself. She's pretty badly bruised, but her worst wound was two cuts she received from the same knife. They were easily sutured up."

Somehow, Alexis finds relief in this fact. At least Detective Beckett is okay. She knew her Father could never live with himself if he pulled through and she didn't.

"Can I see her?"

The doctor, Doctor Allen as the nametag reads, nods slowly. "She's in a pretty bad emotional state right now, and she really ought to be resting. But I think I saw her heading to the toilets earlier. She needed to clean up."

Alexis turns to Martha, as if asking for permission, and Martha waves her off with a hand and a smile as if it's silly for Alexis to do such a thing.

When Alexis' back is turned and she walks away, Martha lets her first few tears slip down her cheeks.

* * *

When Alexis enters the toilets, she's expecting a composed Detective Beckett. The steely, hard-edged Detective who would be demanding information on her Father's state and ready to head back to the precinct to catch the man who did this to her Dad.

But Alexis is simply horrified with what she finds.

Horrified at the crimson blood- her _Dad's_ blood- that she's covered almost head to toe in. Horrified at how she's hunched over on the floor beneath the sinks. Horrified at the unfamiliar and heartbreaking sound of sobs ripping from the Detective unwillingly. Horrified at how terrified she looks.

Alexis crouches beside her, rests a hand on the Detectives shoulder. She jerks at that, as if she's only just realised that Alexis is here, and seems even more petrified that Alexis is here.

"I shouldn't have said what I did, and I'm sorry. I should've been much more mature. You didn't deserve that. None of this is your fault." Alexis confesses before the moment can pass. Because all there is right now is the sound of Detective Beckett's startled, confused hiccups as she tries to stop crying, and the pounding of Alexis' pulse in her ears.

"Thank you, Kate. For bringing my Daddy home."

Kate still jerks in miniscule movements, unable to stop the tears flowing from her eyes. Alexis' own tears are unshed, a haze over her eyesight. She knows that if she starts crying, she won't stop, and she can't do that. That wouldn't be what her Dad would want.

"I didn't bring him back whole. I didn't save him." Kate whispers guiltily, hiccuping again.

"Yes you _did, _Kate. And he's going to get better. My Dad's not going to just… die. Not when he has so much to live for."

Kate wails then, and Alexis isn't sure who grabs who, but then suddenly they're both gripping each other tight in a hug. Alexis buries her face in Kate's shoulder, lets a few secretive tears slip, and begins to sway them back and forth.

"I love him, Alexis. I love him so much." Kate confesses in a whisper, a small puff of air into Alexis' ear.

"I know you do." Alexis sighs, "So do I."

And they gently sway back and forth in this hug, pulling comfort from each other despite not being able to comfort themselves.


	17. Chapter 17

**In the shallows**

**Disclaimer: I am not, nor will I ever be, Andrew Marlowe. I'm just running away with his characters, that's all.**

* * *

Martha waits patiently for Alexis and Kate, occasionally wiping an infrequent tear or two. Doctors and Nurses, along with other members of family of patients, pass her as if she's invisible. That's a new, unwelcome feeling. Martha Rodgers has never felt invisible before. She'd never given anyone the chance to do so. She wore bold colours, a ton of jewellery that jingled with every step she took, and was as dramatic as a Shakespeare play. Martha Rodgers had been many things. She'd been a young actress, she'd been a single mother, and she'd been an immature grandmother.

She has never been invisible.

There's a quiet, hollow part of her that feels oddly dislodged in her chest when she thinks of her son not pulling through all of this. When she thinks of a lack of witty humour, his endless teasing gone, his words- his heart. How could she ever live a life without her son? Her wonderful, brilliant son who made everything okay. And it hurt- No, it ached. Deep down in her bones, to think of all the words he'll never get to say, the intense motherly love that burns deep within her that she doesn't think he knows of. But she does love him. More than anything.

When he was born, it was as if she'd finally seen herself for the first time. All her failures. But then there was this tiny baby in her arms, and she wanted to be better. For him. While even now she may not be the most perfect of people, or of Mothers, she got better. She drank less, _tried _to hide her love life from him, made sure that there was always a roof above their heads and food on the table. She saw how intelligent he was and sent him to the best schools she could find, even if it was a boarding school and he was away from home, even if it made him think that she didn't want him to be at home, even if she missed him every minute of every day. She took roles for the money to support her son and not for the fame, she moved to a clean part of the city where he could not be misled, and she loved him with all of her heart.

She was not the conventional mother, and she couldn't really take much of the credit for the wonderful man that he had turned out to be, but she was better because of him. For him.

Had she ever told him this? Strange, how she'd believed that there would always be a time to do so, that nothing would ever take him away from her before she would find the words to tell him how much she loved him for making her a better person. But now the thought makes chest tighten; to think of how he could die without ever knowing, always believe them to be a dysfunctional mother and son who could never quite bond. That wasn't true, it had never been true.

"Gram?"

Martha pulls from her reverie at the sound of Alexis' voice, turns to find both her and Kate approaching her. Martha pushes her suffocating thoughts from her mind, instead makes sure to pull on a comforting smile for Martha and Alexis.

Alexis' eyes shine suspiciously, like she ought to be crying but she's holding back, and there's that look about her that she always got when she just wanted to hug her Father. The thought that Alexis can't gain what she seeks aches Martha's heart too much, so her eyes move to Kate, hoping to find at least some form of solace in the Detective.

Kate is a mess.

Her eyes are a raw, angry red that matches the startling crimson of blood covering her almost _everywhere._

Martha gasps, reflexively flying to her feet and covering her mouth with one hand. "Oh, Kate, are you-"

Hurriedly, Kate grabs Martha's wrist, tries on a smile. "I'm fine. It's not…" Kate releases Martha's wrist, staring down at her own bloody hands and the blood she's transferred to Martha's wrist (and not so long ago to the back of Alexis' jacket). "It's not my blood. I wasn't as hurt as Castle."

The words hang in the air for a moment, teetering on edge, before Kate toys with the edge of her ripped shirt nervously. "Did they- Did they tell you what's going on with him?"

Trying to calm her racing heart, Martha sits back down on her chair, attempting to gather her thoughts as both Alexis and Kate sit down, too. Martha can smell it, though. The blood. It invades her senses, wraps around her mind that this woman just an arms-length away from her is covered from head to toe in her sons blood. It makes her dizzy.

Focus, she tells herself, finding Alexis' unusually dim eyes, turns back to Kate.

"They say that he has a few broken ribs. That…" Martha frowns as she begins recalling the conversation they'd had earlier with Doctor Allen. "They think one of those broken ribs has punctured his lung. And… That we should be grateful for you, Kate, for helping there and then." Martha smiles at the woman gratefully, but Kate's face is a careful blank mask, the kind Martha is more than familiar with.

"Me?" Kate repeats slowly, then makes an odd disapproving sound at the back of her throat, hides herself behind a curtain of her stained red hair. She doesn't say anything more, so Martha continues.

"The Doctor said that the stabbing didn't seem to cause too much damage, that it missed vital organs. Just about. But I don't know if they're just… I don't know what any of it means."

Alexis reaches out and squeezes Martha's hand, settling her cheek on her shoulder. Then she asks the question that had been on the tip of her tongue from the moment the hospital had called.

"Detective Beckett… What happened?"

Kate flinches, and Alexis isn't quite sure whether it's because she's gone back to calling her Detective after the emotional moment they'd just shared, or because she's asking her to recount being abducted and witnessing Castle being stabbed. But before her mind can dwell for too long on the thought, Kate sighs and tucks her hair behind her ear, and begins telling them what happened in a flat, matter-of-fact tone. Sometimes Alexis is still shocked at how emotionally withdrawn Kate Beckett is forced to be.

"When I woke up there, it was just me and Castle. Locked in a room together. We… talked. He helped me out with this." Kate waves to the long, deep wound on her collarbone that had been recently sutured, regarding it with dull eyes. "Even then I knew he was badly hurt. The wound from being shot had already began scarring. There were all these… All these bruises, his breathing too shallow… And then Maddox came back. There were two men with him, and they grabbed us both each. Maddox taunted us. He wanted answers, and I don't know what for, but then…"

So much for emotionally withdrawn. A wave of despair flashes in Kate's eyes briefly, before her trembling hands run through her matted hair, trying to make sure she keeps on track of telling Martha and Alexis the story instead of getting caught up in the nightmares of everything that had happened.

"And then?" Alexis prompts gently, itching to squeeze the Detectives hand but unknowing if the gesture would be welcomed now.

Kate scrubs her dirty hands over her bloody face, a small noise escaping her that was neither a cry nor a groan.

"I'm sorry. I- Maddox was taunting us and I pushed him- And then he said, said something awful and Castle just- Just _changed. _And it was so… He wasn't _himself. _He even scared me. And I tried to stop it, I kept telling him to stop, I kept fighting against the man holding me but then Maddox had already stabbed him and…"

This time, when Kate stops, neither Martha nor Alexis ask for more.

"I'm sorry, Kate." Alexis tells her.

Startling, Kate looks up at the young girl, aching for the look of blissful innocence on her face. "What for?"

"That you had to see that. That you were taken. That these guys took my Dad. That they shot you all those months ago. That this was all related to your Mom's murder. That your Mom was ever murdered in the first place. I'm just really sorry for all of those things and wish they'd never happened to you."

Alexis isn't sure whether she's said the right thing or not, but Martha squeezes her hand softly in admiration of her bravery, and the Detectives face is carefully composed. All traces of despair and guilt have fled from her eyes, and the shutters have been drawn. Maybe it was the wrong thing to say, or the wrong time to say it, but it didn't mean it wasn't true.

After a long pause, Kate speaks up, quietly and apologetic.

"I should go home. I need to- To get all this blood off me and change into new clothes. They'll be needing my statement at the precinct, I guess. I'll just…" Kate stands, moving in jerky movements, eyes darting around wildly. "Promise me you'll call when he gets out of surgery or if there's any news. Please promise me."

"Of course." Martha replies soothingly, silently worrying for Kate's current state.

But Kate's skin is starting to burn with all this blood on her, and the nauseous feeling is creeping its way back up to her throat, and her ripped clothing really is gathering a lot of stares. Plus, she needs to get this statement out of the way. There's no way she can ever relive it again. Never. Nobody can ever make her go back there.

And she needs to be away from this squeaky clean hospital that reeks of death and false hope, away from Martha and Alexis and their empathetic smiles and heartbroken looks in their eyes, away from Castle several stories away fighting for his life.

Because if everything's okay, and he's fine, she can come back. She will come back.

And if it's not, then she needs to be alone in a quiet place with the loud yell of her thoughts.

"Thank you." She blurts out, realising she's been hovering for far too long, and hurries off to her apartment.

Martha and Alexis watch her retreating figure carefully, as if anticipating her to fall at any moment. Because Kate Beckett is human, and humans were fragile, and fragile things were always meant to be broken.

"I had no idea." Alexis says on a sigh, turning to Martha once Kate disappears from sight.

"No idea of what?"

The red head bites her lip, frowning. "That she loves him so much."

There's a slow, knowing grin spreading across Martha's face then. "Oh, kiddo. How could you ever have doubted that?"


	18. Chapter 18

**in the shallows**

**Disclaimer: If I were actually Andrew Marlowe, I'd be too busy writing steamy Caskett scenes to find time to write fanfiction.**

**Also, I blame KT for everything that happens here. She made me watch the Castle morning after sneak peek and now I'm trying to invent time travel.**

* * *

When Kate arrives back at her apartment, she has never felt such a mess. The guilt overrides every one of her senses, simply intensifies when she stares at the blood imprint of her hand left on the front door. Making a mental note to scrub the door down later with the strongest bleach she owns, she moves away from the door and through to her apartment. She takes extra caution in not contaminating any part of her furniture with the scarlet liquid.

Some part of her mind is screaming at her to turn around and run back to the hospital, even if it simply means pacing up and down the hallways waiting for him to pull through, even if it means staining everything she touches with his blood. But she doesn't belong there. She doesn't deserve to be there. She doesn't deserve sitting and waiting with his family. Not at all. Because this all happened because of her. Castle had been taken because she hadn't been protecting him and had run head-first at her Mom's murder. Castle had been stabbed because she hadn't been enough to stop any of this happening. Castle is on the brink of losing his life while she simply escapes with one knife wound and a couple of bruises. Sure, she hurt deep down in her heart, ached with the almost-loss of him with every step she takes. But it's nothing compared to what he's going through. Surgery. She knows how it feels to go through that- when she had a bullet lodged in her heart. That was different, though. They were her demons. Now those demons have destroyed Castle, and it's all her fault. All her fault…

The blazing heat of the shower burns as she sheds her clothes and steps inside. It stings and burns and her body involuntarily flinches away from it, but she grits her teeth and steps further inside. Castle has a punctured lung and broken ribs and has been stabbed twice. She can handle a little bit of _hot water._

The water swirling in a pool at her feet slowly bleeds into a scarlet red. Dumbfounded, she simply stares at it as she washes her hair, the soapy suds slowly turning red too. If Castle dies, if he doesn't pull through, this is the last thing she has left of him. The blood on her body. And it's washing down the drain. Goodbye.

"Damn it, Kate." She growls to herself, trying to look at anything but the redness of everything, of his blood everywhere, still burning her skin. It itches her, and so she grabs her loofah, starts scrubbing away at her body with a harshness that even startles her.

But she doesn't halt in her actions. Every inch of her skin is scrubbed down until she feels almost as if she's scrubbed layers off, keeps on going even as her skin sings with sensitivity and rawness. It isn't enough. She can still feel it all over her skin, she can still imagine where it was, and she can still see the knife in his body-

Kate shuts off the shower and leaves the bloody mess behind.

* * *

Esposito seems surprised when she arrives at the precinct, the fresh clothes she's pulled on feeling like they're scraping against her raw skin with every step she takes. Both he and Ryan pause as they emerge from the interrogation room and she's heading towards the bullpen. But Ryan grabs a file from Esposito's hands, gives him a look that practically screams 'Your time to help her', and walks away.

When Esposito reaches her, leaning against his desk, he crosses his arms over his chest and gives her a hopeful smile. "Any news on Castle?"

Kate sighs, wincing at the pull of her muscles on her neck that ache her skin as she does so. "He's in surgery... It doesn't look good. I don't know…" Kate trails off, hoping Esposito won't push for more details because she really can't handle talking about it. All she wants is to give her statement and go back to her apartment to rid her front door of her hand imprint.

Esposito seems to understand. "You want in or something, Beckett? You know Gates won't let you in on this."

That brings a smile to Kate's face. Did they really all see her as so foolish? "No, Esposito, I just figured I should get my statement over and done with so I can get back to the hospital." _(Liar. You'll go back to your apartment and practically tear that door down and then revolve around that phone until- finally- that life-altering call from Martha comes)._

* * *

_A_fter the statement, as she turns to leave, Ryan grabs her arm and tells her to be careful. He walks away without an explanation.

* * *

Alexis and Martha rise to their feet as they see Doctor Allen walking down the hall to where they wait in chairs, hearts steadily pumping faster as he approaches. The words die in their throats as the Doctor stops before them, takes a deep breath before he speaks.

When Kate arrives back at her apartment, exhausted and still reeling from giving her statement, at all those questions she had to answer, she checks her phone to see if either Martha or Alexis have called. Her heart quivers slightly in panic when she sees one missed call from Martha. Oh God. She can't have missed it-

Kate's hands tremble as she presses the 'call' button for Martha, begins pacing and biting on her thumbnail as she waits for the answer. Please, please, please. He can't be dead, Martha needs to tell her that he's alive. He can't-

The phone goes to voicemail. With a terrified growl rumbling low in her chest, she throws the stupid lump of plastic at the wall, grabs her sneakers and heads straight out of the door.

The blood on the door begins to stain.

* * *

When Kate storms into the hospital, neither Martha nor Alexis are where they were before, and the receptionist refuses to give her any information on Castle because she's not part of his god damn _family._

But he is a part of hers. He is. And she doesn't see it. The stupid receptionist with her apologetic eyes doesn't see it.

So Kate endlessly searches the maze of the hospital. Through every floor of the hospital, hoping for a glimpse of his face, or of Doctor Allen, or of two red-heads she wishes she'd never left. God, why did she leave? So what if she doesn't deserve this? She needs this. Needs him. Oh God, he cannot die. Where is he? He can't be dead.

He's not dead. If he were dead, she'd feel it. The world would tilt on its axis and there would be that knowing feeling in her heart. A part of her she never knew she had before she met him would leave her as hollow and empty as she was when her Mom-

"Alexis!"

There's a flash of red at the end of the corridor, disappearing around the corner. Kate breaks out in a sprint, glad she wore sneakers today instead of her ridiculous heels, and manages to catch up with the girl as she walks down the corridor.

"Alexis!" She calls again, and the young girl stops, turns around to Kate.

Alexis has been crying. Eyes as red as her hair, blotchy cheeks that constitute a hell of a lot of tears. Kate's breath catches, and then she feels it, the world tilting on its axis.

"Alexis." She gasps again, and through the muddle of dizziness and exhaustion and desperation, her hands grasp the young girls' shoulders firmly.

It's then that Alexis smiles, more tears slipping down her cheeks.

"Kate. Kate- He's- He's alive."


	19. Chapter 19

**in the shallows**

**Disclaimer: I AM NOT ANDREW MARLOWE AND I DO NOT OWN CASTLE I COULD NEVER WRITE ANYTHING AS EXTRAORDINARY AS AFTER THE STORM I COULDN'T I MEAN REALLY ASDFGHJKL**

* * *

Back at Kate's apartment, the blood imprint of her hand on the door dries, and the passer-by's in the hallway stop to stare hesitantly at the stain.

But through a maze of Hospital corridors and a haze of lost lives, Kate Beckett finally feels her heart stutter back to life again.

"Why are you- If Castle's- I mean, is he awake?" Kate stutters, fingers flexing on the girls' shoulders.

Alex simply smiles sympathetically at Kate as she flushes over her inability to form a coherent sentence. Alexis reaches up and pulls Kate's hands away from her shoulders, clasps them between her own and squeezes reassuringly.

"Yes, he's awake. I saw him when Gram rang you first. I only just left his room because Dad kept bugging me to call you and I can't use my phone inside here." Alexis explains , a bright look in her eyes.

A flood of guilt washes over Kate. "It's my fault that you're not in there because I didn't pick up the first time? Alexis, I'm sorry-"

Alexis laughs over Kate's apologies, stunning her into silence. "Kate, Grams rang you and hour ago. He's been awake long enough for me to be able to _ring _you so he'll quit complaining. It was getting annoying, to be honest. No offence."

Once again, Alexis laughs (she's never laughed so much, she's sure- but there's no reason not to) at how taken aback Kate appears, and tugs on her hand in the direction of Castle's room. "Come on. He'll be happy to see you."

That same guilt floods over Kate's emotional barriers again. Really, she shouldn't be here, in this hospital, grasping onto his daughters hand for dear life and heading towards his room. It's all her fault that he's been roped into all of this in the first place. It's her fault he's been stabbed. And she should leave, like she's going to leave sooner or later, because she ruins everything she's given. What use is it dragging out the goodbyes, if it will only pain them both more in the end? Now she knows that he's safe and alive and surrounded by those who love him, she really should leave. A clean break will be good for them, it's worked before. Before any of this happened and before she became a ticking time bomb that's so close to exploding.

But she allows Alexis to pull her to Castle regardless, because she knows she could never leave him again.

* * *

Castle watches happily as Alexis (beautiful, intelligent, _alive _Alexis) leaves the room to call Kate. Castles heart flutters at the thought of Kate arriving soon. Flutters at the thought of being able to hold her in his harms, kiss her in all the ways he never has before, and tell her how much he well and truly does love her.

"I know that face."

Castle turns to look at his mother sitting beside his bed in a chair he's certain is more than uncomfortable, eyes glittering with the knowledge of secrets. Castle smiles, aims for a light tone.

"What face?"

"That face you've got on."

"What one would that be then, Mother?"

But Martha just chuckles brightly and taps her own nose, winking. Castle decides to persuade her out of it later, once he's not so distracted by Kate. Or get Kate to. Yeah. Kate's good at interrogating. She's got that dangerous (and incredibly hot) face when she does.

There's a comfortable silence between him and Martha then. Castle shifts on his bed as he seeks a comfortable position that _doesn't _ache his torso.

Martha speaks up quietly them, and he barely hears her over the sound of his heartbeat on the monitor and the rustling of sheets.

"I'm so glad you're okay, kiddo."

Castle pauses and stares at her, curiously wondering. She has that serious tone in her voice that she uses whenever they discuss Alexis or his and Kate's complicated relationship. It's strange. There's no mirth in her eyes but a look of undisguised relief now, and he studies the way her shoulders slack as if the words have lifted a heavy weight from her shoulders. He waits for the punchline, for a 'I need your credit card for shopping' or a 'where would I live?', but it doesn't come. Instead, slowly, a lone tear drips from her right eye and trickles its way down her cheek.

"Mother…" He tries to think of something to say, but he's astounded.

Martha swipes at the tear on her cheek, and there's no laughter or flap of her hands to pretend it had never been there.

"I'm just being sentimental, I guess. But I- the thought of you not pulling through it… Hurt. More than you'll ever know. Unless, God forbid, something ever happens to Alexis."

Martha sniffs and they fall into a silence again. She seems to be trying to the right words for what she wants to say.

"I know that I'm not the most perfect of Mothers. Or of people. But I tried to be, for you. I'm different to who I was before you were born, and that's not because of age or knowledge or the city. It's because of you, kiddo.

"And thinking you might die without ever knowing how you made me better and how much I love you killed me. So here I am, as our mother, telling you I love you and I am so, so grateful for you every day.

"And please believe it. I know we joke around, and I know you think you were given a bad childhood and I'm _sorry, _but I do love you. I do, Richard."

Again, there's a sort of astounded silence that fills with the beat of his heart. All the words he's supposed to say stick to the sides of his throat as he stares at this wonderful, brilliant woman who raised him and didn't think he _knew _she loved him? Oh. Oh, he really messes things up, doesn't he? With his jokes and his wit and his smiles. It makes it sound like it doesn't matter. But it does.

"I know, Mother." He replies eventually, and watches the light and joy brim over her eyes. "I do know that. And the feeling's mutual." And then, because that's what he always does, he jokes. "Though maybe I'd love you a little more if you stopped using _my _credit card on the internet."

Martha lets out a loud, brilliant laugh and slaps him lightly on the shoulder. "Oh, honestly, Richard." She mumbles as if she's annoyed, but smiles through it all.

And that's when Kate appears.

When he's grinning and his blue eyes are sparkling with mirth and he's radiating joy and love and relief and she has to take a moment to stop in the doorway and take a deep breath because he's _here _and he's _alive _and God, she loves him, so much.

That's when she appears.

It's then that Castle looks away from his Mother, turns to find the most gorgeous sight he's ever seen in his whole entire life.

Kate, surrounded by all this brilliant golden light spilling from the hallway behind her, grinning from ear-to-ear and a small gathering of tears in her eyes.

Her hair falls in that state of disarray it always does whenever she's washed it, a golden halo framing her face, and that grin of hers that she wears is so infectious his own mouth begins to ache from how much he smiles in return. Those eyes- beautiful, spellbinding eyes- begin to spill over with tears now, but she only has eyes for him, doesn't seem to care that both Martha and Alexis are in the room.

God, he loves her. He loves her so much it aches even now.

Kate seems stuck in the doorway, smiling and crying and beautiful, and he shifts forwards slightly on his bed as he chokes out her name.

"Kate."

His voice spurs her from whatever stupor she's been held under, and she jerks forwards, whispering his name.

"Castle."

He has never heard anything so beautiful and heart-breaking in his entire life.

Suddenly, Kate crosses the room, and his arms are open and she's falling into them and clutching him tightly before he can even think of holding it together for his mother and daughter. He closes his eyes, ignores the flare of pain in his chest, and pulls her closer. She falls so that she's kneeling on the bed beside him, face tucked tightly into his neck, mouth pressing a soft kiss to his pulse point. He can feel the trickle of tears on his skin; feels his own tears burning behind his closed eyes.

Finally, Kate lets out a puff of breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding, and melts into his embrace. Oh God. He'd nearly died. He'd nearly died because of her. And he's alive now and she's so grateful and happy so much that it _hurts _deep down in her heart and yet he doesn't _know _that she loves him. But, oh, she does. She does, she does, she does.

"Castle." She gasps again, trying to find the words through her muddled thoughts.

"Shh." He whispers into her hair.

Castle opens his eyes then, finds that his mother and daughter have left them alone. Good. He needs this time alone with her. He just needs a moment with her. To breathe her in until she's wrapped so tightly around his heart it aches with every thump.

He's surprised when Kate pulls away, still kneeling on the bed before him, and tries to hide his disappointment. She doesn't stray far, still inches away, and clasps their hands together in her lap.

"Castle… I'm so sorry." She grinds out, and the tears in her eyes are starting to look a lot less like relief and a whole lot more like guilt.

With a quick, deft movement, Castle reaches up to tuck a stray curl behind her ear. "Don't be sorry. Nothing to be sorry for." He tells her, cupping her jaw and smoothing a thumb across her cheekbone.

"No, Castle, don't say that. Of course there-"

"Kate, please just… Listen to me. Just for a second, okay?"

Kate's face twists into anger. "No, Castle, you listen to _me. _I'm damn tired of this."

Castle's hand falls from her face, shocked. He's just been stabbed, and she's… Tired of them?

"I'm tired of dancing around us and what I've put you through. I'm tired of you pretending that these things aren't my fault. No, they're not _directly_ my fault. I didn't kill my Mother. But I chose to put her murder ahead of my life, Castle, and in that decision I chose to put her murder ahead of you. And I shouldn't have done that."

His hands squeeze hers. "I'd never ask you to put me ahead of that, Kate, she's your Mom."

Kate unwraps her hands from his, holds them palms-forward with an impatient look on her face. "Castle, please? Let me finish?"

So Castle nods, looks away and waits for the inevitable _It's too dangerous. You'll have to stop following me._

But instead her hands cup his face and she forces him to meet her eyes.

"I'm gonna say something now, and I should've said it months ago but you know about my walls, Castle. And I can't promise you that everything will be perfect and happy like the endings of your books. I can't promise you that my problems won't come back to haunt us or neither of us will ever get hurt again. But I do know something, something true and right and real. Richard Castle, I love you."

He forgets how to breathe.


	20. Chapter 20

**in the shallows**

**Disclaimer: I tried looking on eBay. I couldn't buy the rights to the show on there. Damn. (Also, I'm really sorry if any of the medical stuff is a bit… iffy. My end result in Biology was an E, so…)**

* * *

Kate holds her breath once the words escape her mouth, stills.

Wow.

Has she really just said those words? Were they really her own?

One look at Castle, at the beautiful, astounding awe in his eyes, tells her that _yes_ that just happened.

And she can't stop the smile that creeps up on her.

* * *

Oh, God, she's so beautiful. He's never, _ever _seen anything so beautiful in his life.

"Kate-"

The word is choked, and he can't think of what to say. All his thoughts are disjointed, muddled. Because here's Kate Beckett. _Kate Beckett. _Crying and smiling and here and telling him she _loves _him and he can't make any sense of it-

Can't even get the words out to say _yes, me too._

* * *

She can see that he's struggling for words, or what to do next, and she doesn't blame him. Even she's still shocked she's said it, even though she's known it for so long now. So, because she can't think of anything else, Kate takes advantage of her hands cupping his cheeks and pulls him close for a kiss.

She wasn't sure where she was headed with this, really. They're in a hospital- she's not even sure if Martha and Alexis are in the room anymore- so it's not like anything can _happen. _And just a _kiss _isn't enough.

But the moment his lips come into contact with her own, her mind is a blissful blank.

And she loses herself within it, hands scraping through his hair, upper body arching into his. He groans, and she moans in reply as he nips at her bottom lip, gasps when his tongue meets hers. _God, _this has never been so intense, and the warmth is pooling so rapidly in her stomach even she's surprised at her body's reaction. But _oh_, she's not complaining. And he can put that hand as _far _up her shirt as he likes if that means the other one won't stop-

Suddenly, Castle lurches away from her, gasping wildly. Kate stills in shock as he battles to breathe, a mess of swollen lips and trembling hands, and then finally comes to her senses.

Punctured lungs. Stabbing wounds. Right.

"Jeez, Castle, I'm-"

"If you say…" Castle cuts across her, pausing to breathe once again as he rests back against his pillows. "_Sorry, _then I obviously… Need to work… On my technique."

A startled laugh rips from Kate's lips, and Castle laughs along with her too, albeit breathlessly.

"Well then, I'm not sorry."

Castle grins at her, and she's rendered speechless at the amount of awe and happiness and _love _in his eyes that she's never seen before. Sucking in a startled breath, she grins back, places a hand on his arm.

"_But…_ No more, um, well, you know, until you're better."

Castle stares at her, wide-eyed. "'_Um, well, you know'?_ Kate Beckett, are you _shy?_" He asks, incredulously.

Nose bunching up in a ridiculously adorable way, Kate glares at him through slits as eyes in mock-anger. However her reddened cheeks betray her, even as the hand on his arm curls slightly to dig her nails lightly into his skin.

Castle holds his hands up, palms-forward. "Okay, okay, I surrender. Stop with the look."

That does it. She lets a smile run loose, and then suddenly she's leaning forwards into him, her forehead leaning against his shoulder. She breathes in softly, and then lets out a little content sigh. She was wrong. This _is _enough. And just the promise that there'll be more- well, yeah. He's waited four years, she's waited two. Fairly certain she can wait for him to recover.

"I'll stop." She whispers.

Relaxed, Castle lets one of his large hands rest on the small of her back, index finger tracing lazy patterns into her shirt. It sends shivers down her spine.

"Stop what?" He asks, and she delights in the way his breath washes over her face, tingles on her tongue.

Oh, but that's a subject of a more serious matter, and she doesn't want to fight him on this. Instead, she wants to simply exist in this moment and be nothing more. It's wonderful and warm and just _right. _There's never been a time when she's ever been so thankful for Richard Castle in her life.

"Oh…" She mumbles, twisting slightly to look up at him from beneath her eyelashes. "It doesn't matter. Not now."

And he lets it be, as he leans his cheek on top of her head and sighs, content.

* * *

Alexis and Martha cradle cups of steaming coffee in their hands as they walk back to Castle's room, Martha carrying an extra cup for the detective.

"Are you sure we shouldn't give them more time together? I mean…" Alexis pauses, a blush beginning to creep up on her features. "To talk?"

Martha smiles slowly, takes a sip from her cup. "Darling, if we wanted to give them time enough to talk about everything, we'd never see that room again."

"Oh."

Martha looks over at Alexis, sees her frowning slightly. They come to a stop before the door to Castle's room, and Martha turns Alexis to face her.

"That doesn't mean it's a bad thing. They have a lot of past and they've made a lot of mistakes. You know that, honey."

Alexis fiddles with the lid of her coffee, biting her lip. "Can't Kate just… Say sorry?"

Surprised, Martha chuckles lightly. "Of course. But it wasn't all completely one-sided, Alexis, it doesn't work that way between them. They're both to blame for this mess. She never promised him anything, she never even _wanted _him to be there in the first place, but you know how much of a big heart your Father has. I guess his persistence won out in the end, but don't be so blind by your Father's wallowing that you believe it was all her doing."

At the loaded statement, Alexis ducks her eyes down guiltily, back to her coffee. Perhaps her Grams was right. Her Dad had always seemed to defeated when it came to Kate, so lacking hope, even leaving in the end. But then again, she's never seen how Kate reacts to anything, never seen her when she arrives home with a soft sigh and an aching in her heart. Of course, now she's seen Kate's vulnerable side. When they were in that bathroom, with Kate crying and covered in blood, she began to see Kate in a new light. Maybe now is the time to stop being so bias about it.

"Okay. I…" She sighs, nods towards the door.

Martha gives her a wary look, then nods too and passes through the door, calling out "Coffee, anyone?"

When they enter, Kate's lifting from Castle's bed and settling into the nearest chair. She beams at Martha as the older woman passes her the cup of coffee, mumbling. "Oh, bless you Martha." Before gulping the liquid down steadily.

Castle stares at her, narrowing his eyes.

"Kate, when was the last time you ate anything?"

Kate finishes gulping the warm liquid and bites down on her bottom lip, places the cup down in her lap. "Eh…"

When she looks up, all the Castles are staring at her. She feels herself blushing. Okay. Way to seem obsessed.

"I don't really… know." She replies slowly, fingers beginning to drum a pattern on her coffee cup.

A nurse enters the room then, and Kate has never been so grateful for an interruption in her entire life, sags back against the chair in relief. Castles eyes remain fixed on her, though, she can feel them burning through her skin. So she takes another sip of her coffee, allowing the warmth of the blessed liquid to flow through her while holding back a pleased moan.

"Now, Mr Castle, how would you rate the pain now on a scale of one to ten?" The nurse asks with a smile, and Castle finally turns away from her.

"Um…" Castle glances at his Mother and daughter, sees them looking at him with concerned faces. Kate's still hiding in her coffee cup. Well, maybe he can lie a _little._ "A three?"

The nurse raises her eyebrows, makes a small noise of disbelief. "Right." She says, and then begins with his painkillers.

"Oh." He moans. "Don't give me them. They'll make me sleepy."

Startled, the nurse laughs brightly. Apparently, she has no idea about the tension that the rest of the room is preoccupied in. The nurse doesn't listen to him, though, and he turns away with a huff.

Kate smiles shyly from behind her coffee cup. "Appreciate the meds, Castle. God knows I missed them when I was weaned off them." She tells him, and her tone is light and caring, but the words stop his heart.

Her shooting.

She's been through all of this before.

The nurse gives the pair a look, and then leaves the room. Maybe he's being overdramatic, but he's fairly certain he can feel the medicine beginning to take its effect already.

Something in Kate's eyes changes as she takes in her own words and Castle's reaction. Oh-

"Castle." She says softly, reaching out to lay a hand over his own. "Sorry, I didn't mean to-"

Castle turns his hand beneath hers and laces their fingers together. "It doesn't matter. It's okay."

Kate squeezes his hand beneath hers, but her eyes still say sorry.

"Wanna know how you can make it up to me?" He asks, and can sense the surprise run through Martha and Alexis, that he would ever ask her to prove her apologies. He smiles. "Go home, Kate. Get some sleep. Eat."

Oh, yes, the meds are definitely taking effect now. His eyelids begin to grow heavy, his grip on Kate's hand slackening slightly. Kate frowns.

"Castle-" She begins to protest.

"Please." He says, and he can feel the slurring beginning to creep its way into his words. "It'll just be a couple hours at most. I'll be knocked out during that, anyway."

But Kate stays where she is, stock still.

Castle sighs. Stupid, stubborn woman.

His eyelids keep falling closed, now, too heavy to open anymore, and he loses grip on her hand. "Kate…"

Just as he slips into the land of sleep, he's sure he hears a soft "Okay", followed by the feel of her lips brushing against his cheek.


	21. Chapter 21

**in the shallows**

**Disclaimer: I'm fairly certain Marlowe isn't stopped from writing because of homework.**

* * *

Everything's okay, until it isn't.

And it had been so _good._ Because the man who had once shot her has been caught, and the ones who had taken Castle will pay. And she loves him. And he knows. And he loves her too.

And everything's okay.

Until it isn't.

It's her door. There's something wrong with the door. She doesn't know what it is, but something's wrong, and she hopes she's just overreacting. Maybe it's just her and how everything's so perfect that her own mind must create some horrible situation in which it all tips over onto its head and-

The _blood_. Where did the blood imprint on the door go? It's _gone_.

Automatically, her hand reaches for the gun that isn't there, or the badge that she no longer has. No. She needs to calm down. Maybe the nice yet nosey old lady two doors down had noticed, took it upon herself to clean it up. She's always been so nice to Kate since the shooting, after all.

But when her hand meets the door, it falls open easily. Of course. This was never going to be a simply act of kindness.

There's no one in her line of sight, so she steps into her apartment fully, tensed, eyes darting around wildly as she absorbs the place. There's nothing out of place, nothing missing, but the _hand o_n the door is _gone _and the door was already open. There's something, something-

Someone.

A man. No different to any other man in a suit. Nothing special that she can notice from behind, nothing distinguishable in his looks. But he's broken into her apartment and _cleaned_ her door and now he's- he's standing before her makeshift murderboard for Castle, the box filled with her Mom's files beside him, taking down everything piece by piece. Calmly. It's rather disturbing, his calm demeanour, and her voice is babbling strong and powerfully from her thought before she can think to apprehend him instead.

"Put. The files. Down."

He stills, and she stays where she is, four feet behind him. Then he turns, a small smile on his face and holding the photo of her and Castle that she treasures in his hands.

"Hello, Detective Beckett."

There's a flash of recognition inside of her, flares brightly in her chest as she glares at him.

"Allow me to introduce myself." He continues. "I'm Senator Bracken."

His voice is cool, smooth, and her mind flashes back to a fly she had once received in her mail the other day. Bracken's face on the card, surrounded by the American flag, smiling like there's no wrong he can ever do and telling her to vote for him. She's not so intrested in Politics anymore, but she had been thinking about it, weighing up the options. The thought of it now twists her insides in the wrong way, leaves a nauseous taste in her mouth.

Bracken's mouth twists into a chilling smiles. "Never even heard of me before, huh?"

Kate doesn't answer, instead takes a step forward, heart drumming frantically in her chest. No. She needs to keep the power in this situation. Too much has been lost already for her to be outplayed now.

"I gave you an order, Bracken. Put them down."

And then he _laughs,_ actually full on laughs with hints of a sneer at _her,_ as if she's just said the most ridiculous thing in the world. But he sobers instantly at the menacing look on her face.

"Oh." He realizes, "You're serious."

Kate grits her teeth. "Put them down, walks out of that door, and this will _never h_ave happened, Bracken."

But he places the photo of her and Castle in the box, eyebrows raised. "I think you're forgetting who has the power here, Detective."

Bravely, she takes another confident step forwards, eyes never breaking their glare. There's venom and ice in her voice when she speaks. "This isn't about power, Senator. This is about burying this thing. Your past."

A flicker of emotion- actual real, human emotion- flashes across his face briefly, but it shutters away before she can properly register what it had been.

"It was buried. Until you came along. I have to stop it, Detective, stop _you_. There's too much at stake."

Anger flashes through her. "Too much at stake?"

Bracken opens his mouth as if he's going to respond, but she closes the distance between them to stand before him, fire flickering wildly in her eyes that hides the tears she feels burning there.

"What do you have at stake, Bracken? A career? My mother was stabbed in an alley because of you. She bled to death _alone_ in a pile of garbage!" She cries, "And then you order a hit on Richard Castle- an innocent man in all of this! Is that what your life is, Senator? Murdering the innocent?"

But Bracken shakes his head, looks away from her and his jaw locks. "He wasn't innocent. I didn't murder him. It wasn't- It was never me. Just foolish people willing to do anything for money. It was never me, I didn't-"

"It was all _you, _Senator. You murdered them _all." _Kate grinds out, invading his personal space, feeling a wave of pleasure wash over her heart at the pain in his eyes.

"It was one mistake, Detective. You can't tell me you've never made mistakes- Ones that have had massive repercussions."

Kate's mind flashes back to all the mistakes she'd made, all those things she'd done that she never should've. The most important ones. The least important ones. Not combating her Dad's drinking habit, not being able to let this case go, letting Castle leave her and him getting hurt because of this, because of her. But no. These are not her fault. This man caused _all o_f them.

"You sound a bit delusional, you know? But then again, who are you? You're a disgraced cop, obsessed with her mother's murder. And who am I?" Bracken pauses, composes himself with a smile before he continues. "I'm a decent man looking out for the little guy. That's who the public sees. And every time they elect me, I'm humbled. I strive harder to live up to that ideal. I want to _be_ that man. And I won't let you, or anyone else, get in my way."

But no- He can't threaten her like that anymore.

"You're not pulling the shots here, I _am._"

Bracken takes a step back, eyebrows raised. "Are you forgetting your place here, Detective?"

And for some reason, Kate's mouth twists into a cruel grin. There's happiness, somewhere, deep down inside of her. But nausea is overriding every one of senses, a horrible twisting in her gut. She can't believe what she's going to do- The one thing she's always told herself that never, ever will, no matter what the circumstances.

"You don't want more blood on your hands here, Senator. You want to be that man? Then let this go. Leave me alone."

It's Brackens turn to step into her personal space, looming over her now. "Oh yeah? And what? Let you run off to your little Detective friends, let you investigate me and ruin everything?"

Kate smirks. "This may have become your life, Senator, but it's not mine. Not anymore. I'm done with being afraid, it's your turn now."

So Kate pushes past him, roots through the box for that picture of her and Castle, grateful for the curtain of her hair hiding her facial expression and the bitter tears stinging her eyes. She holds it to her chest, fingers curling around the dog-eared photo as she takes in a large, deep breathe.

"Take them."

"Excuse me?" Bracken asks in surprise.

Kate pushes away from the box, still clutching the photo but gesturing to the box. "Take the files and leave me alone. Prove to me that you actually want to be that man, and I will leave you alone."

Slowly, Bracken walks towards the box with Johanna Beckett's file and everything to do with it- including Castle's recent abduction. Some old, deserted part of Kate itches to reach out and stop it, to finalise everything here, to kill the man with her bare hands and get the justice that her Mother deserves.

But no. Her life is worth more than that.

As Bracken begins to walk away from her, box in his arms, she calls across the room: "If you come after me though, Senator, if you go back on your word, if you harm me or anyone I care about… I swear, I will come for you."

Then Bracken pauses in the doorway, turns back to her but doesn't meet her eyes.

"You think he's innocent, but… Richard Castle investigated it all. Behind your back. Check who you want to hold close, Detective."

And on that bombshell, the man who had caused it all walks out of her apartment without a second glance back at her.


	22. Chapter 22

**in the shallows**

**Disclaimer: I bet Marlowe doesn't get nagged by his English Language teacher on how to use apostrophes. (My teacher confused me about what I thought I already understood about them so if I start using them wrong I am _so _sorry).**

* * *

She doesn't go to the hospital straight away.

Instead, she does what she needs to do. She makes herself a sandwich from what edible food remained in her fridge- a scarce amount, but enough- then she makes herself cup after cup of steaming hot coffee, gulps it down even as it burns her tongue and her throat. As she does, Kate sits deep in thought, staring vacantly at the photograph she still holds in her hands of them.

How could he do this to her?

The thought chokes her, and she tries to see beyond the betrayal, the bitter sting of it all. But her mind can't block it out and in the end she gives in, lets her mind travel through it all at the speed of light. In the end there are tears in her eyes and she bites down so hard on her lip she draws blood.

No. No, she won't do this. They were- They could make it through this. They were strong, her and Castle. They had knocked down everything that had dared to stand in their way, eventually. And now, now he loves her and she loves him and they both know and it's starting- this, them. They're starting now and she'll forgive him for his secrets, just as he forgave her for her own.

(But she had only kept her secret to stop herself from breaking his heart, hadn't she?)

Kate leaves the half-empty mug of coffee on the counter as she walks out the door.

* * *

The nails on her right hand dig roughly into her palm as she leans against the opposite wall to the door of his room, head resting back against it. She's trying to control her emotions, because she can't believe this is happening. She just _gave up _her Mother's murder for _him, _so that she could be a better person for the pair of them. She just opened up, in that way she slowly had been this past year, and told him she loved him and-

And this.

"Kate?"

Kate jerks away from the wall to find Martha emerging from Castle's room, a worried frown on her face. "Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost." She remarks.

But Kate nods, overly so and too eagerly, and doesn't miss the flash of worry that passes through Martha's eyes once again.

"I'm fine, Martha." Kate lies, and the words sound heavy on her tongue.

Martha studies her for a moment more, before nodding slowly and waving her hands in that typical Martha way, seems to dismiss it far too easily. "Well, dear, I was just on my way back to the loft. Richard's going to drive himself crazy during his stay here, so I thought I'd get his laptop for him. Writing always helps him, you know? Like it did that summer when-" Martha pauses, and there's a brief stretch of silence where Kate tries not to cry once more, and Martha seems to consider her words.

When Kate speaks, it's flat and distorted. "The summer I was shot?"

Sighing, Martha nods her head and then purses her lips. "Well, I better go. I don't want to leave Alexis alone for too long- Unless you're-?"

Martha doesn't finish, and Kate guesses that the expression on her face must be showing everything that had thought she had been hiding well.

Kate looks away, can't bear to meet Martha's eyes when she answers. "No, you should come back soon for Alexis."

Then she turns away from Martha to Castle's door, swallowing back the bitter tears.

* * *

Castle's room is dark.

Someone has turned off the lights and closed the blinds. The only light entering the room is from the machines surrounding Castle, dull and bleak.

"He doesn't like waking up to light."

Kate startles and turns to find Alexis curled up in a chair that had previously been out of her line of sight, eyes never moving from her Father as she speaks.

"I don't suppose it'll matter much, but I hope he'll appreciate it anyway."

Kate's heart clenches in a painful way. Such a sweet, young girl. With all of this- _Kate _herself- she'd nearly done to Alexis what Bracken had done to her.

Maybe it'd be better- if this, them, never happened. Some people loved each other but could never be together, after all. Sometimes that was just the way the world worked sometimes. It's sad, and it hurts to think about and brings tears to her eyes, but it's a truth all the same.

Finally, Alexis turns to Kate, and instantly sits straight, alert. "Are you okay, Det- Kate?"

Kate presses her lips together, nodding. She can't speak. Her throat has closed up all of a sudden.

With a shuddering breath, she closes her eyes briefly, trying to wish Alexis away. It's not her fault but she makes her feel even worse. The guilt. But, somehow, the girl makes her feel the sting of betrayal even more fiercely. Oh, what she wouldn't do to go back, to tell Bracken not to say the words, to make it all go away. She wishes she didn't know. She wishes she didn't know any of it.

"Would you like a moment with him… Alone?" Alexis asks helpfully, and Kate opens her eyes again, aching in her bones at the concerned expression on the young Castle's face.

"I'm-"

No. She's still not capable of speech. So she waves a hand in a way she thinks she may have picked up from Martha, and sits in the chair beside Castle, opposite Alexis. She still can't meet Alexis' eyes.

But Alexis stands anyway, offers a weak excuse about getting another coffee, and pauses as she comes to stand at the door of the room. Kate can feel her eyes on her, but doesn't look away from Castle's sleeping form. Soon, Alexis sighs and leaves the room.

Kate bites her lip to keep from crying again, reaching out to intertwine her fingers with Castles, bowing her head.

"Why'd you do it, Castle?"

He doesn't answer. Asleep, of course. But it hurts all the same.

Kate lifts her head to look at him once more. He looks so peaceful, so innocent. How could such a loving, caring man betray her in this way?

"God, Castle, I love you." She tells him, as if it should mean something, even though she knows love doesn't really mean a damn thing.

It hurts even more.

* * *

"Yo, Beckett." Esposito greets her as she walks into the precinct with a mission on her mind.

"Espo. What's going with Castle's case?" She asks bluntly.

Esposito raises his eyebrows slightly, but leans back against his desk with arms crossed over his chest. "Maddox is in hospital right now- under surveillance, of course. He just got out of surgery so me and Ryan are headed over to charge him soon. Bell and Lynch are being processed right now, we just charged them. But," Esposito hesitates, studying her carefully. What is it with people doing that to her today? "Well, we couldn't get anything out of them. About- about how this links to your Mom. But we're hoping that Maddox will give us information."

Kate almost laughs.

Instead, she gives him a tight-lipped smile. "Maddox won't give you anything, Esposito. Just charge him with my shooting, the abduction, and Castles stabbing."

Stupidly, she hopes that this will be enough. Instead, Esposito seems to pick up on the underlying message and wants to know more. He frowns, stands and stares at her for a moment as if she's just grown a second head. "You don't want to know about your Mom, Beckett?"

_Yes, _she wants to scream. _I want to know everything._

But then she remembers her arrangement with Bracken, and the lives that had been endangered in all of this.

She sighs and chooses her words carefully.

"I think that it would be better for everyone if we dropped it."

It hurts again.

"When has the danger ever stopped you before? This isn't because of Castle. You wouldn't be here if it was because of Castle."

Kate takes a deep, calming breath, closes her eyes. "I made a deal with… With the man behind it. We leave this alone, he leaves me, all of us, alone."

Suddenly, Esposito's hand is curling in a deathlike grip around her arm, and her eyes fly open in surprise. Esposito almost seems angry. "You know who it is? How _long_ have you known this?"

Kate's mouth trembles as she tries to smile. "About two hours, now."

A voice calls across the precinct, loud and strong. "Miss Beckett?"

Gates.

Kate glances over at Gates, who is standing in the doorway to her office, and then back at Esposito, who seems to have gone into some form of shock. She frees her arm of his grip and pats his forearm. "Tell Ryan, Esposito. Then go charge Maddox, and let this go."

She walks away before he can argue, following Gates into her office with a pounding heart.


	23. Chapter 23

**in the shallows**

**Disclaimer: Marlowe gets good reviews. I either get bad ones or none at all.**

**Last chapter, everybody. And then an epilogue, probably, because I refuse to end this on an odd number.**

* * *

Kate closes the door behind her, feeling much more cool and composed than she ever has before in her life, and turns to face the Captain with a professional smile.

Gates isn't looking at her, instead rummages around in her desk drawer. She pulls two items from her desk.

The first: A gun. Kate's gun.

The second: Her badge.

Kate's breath vanishes from her lungs.

"Now that his case is finished," Gates says, staring down at Kate's badge for a moment. "I suppose you're not in danger anymore."

"I'm always in danger. That's my job." Kate finds herself saying, and almost wants to facepalm. _Seriously?_

Gates' lips quirk into a smile, and her eyes lift to meet Kate's. There's a shocking amount of emotion hidden within the many layers of her eyes. "I suppose you're right. But, Beckett?"

"Sir?"

Gates slides the gun and badge to Kate's side of the desk, an ever-serious look crossing her face, just like the one at the docks.

"Use the badge for the right reasons." Gates tells her softly, "Don't manipulate it anymore."

It's then that everything makes sense.

Kate steps forwards bravely, and her heart feels lighter in her chest, somehow. The scar between her breasts doesn't tug, the scars down her sides don't flare. The new scar across her collarbone ignites with it- Adrenaline, excitement, freshness. A new challenge. A new Kate Beckett. A chance for a new start, a do-over, a repeat. This is exactly what she needs.

"Actually, sir. I was thinking… I should really take some time off."

There's a new form of light in Gates' eyes that Kate has never seen before, and it feels something like respect to her, and it spurs her on.

"I've been through quite a lot these past few days. And you were right, what you said to me before. I do put myself into danger. I do manipulate the badge. So…"

Kate steps forwards, pushing the gun and the badge that had once meant so much to her back to Gates' side.

"I'm going to take some time off to recover, to find who I am without the badge, to find out how to stop manipulating this thing. I'm not chasing it anymore. But I need some time to… Adjust. And I have other priorities to work on."

Kate quirks her eyebrow at that, and there's a strange look of understanding and happiness on Gates' face. Gates collects the badge and the gun and places them back in the drawer they'd been in beforehand, before looking back up at her best detective. Kate Beckett really did outdo her reputation. Before she'd joined here, she'd been warned- By even the chief of detectives, amazingly. She'd been warned: _Keep Kate Beckett under control_. _She's obsessed with her Mother's murder, she doesn't follow the rules, she makes things messy._

But standing there before Kate Beckett, all Victoria Gates could see was the bravest woman she had ever met.

She smiles. "I think you're right, detective."

* * *

It's rather anticlimactic, really. The end of this whole thing. It sort of fizzles away inside of her, slowly, quietly. When she had expected the end of her Mother's case, she had expected fireworks inside of her that made her implode. She had expected headlines across newspapers, scandal on the television, his name up for all the world to see.

But this- this is different and quiet and… fitting.

So when she flashes a smile to the man standing guard of Maddox's room and heads inside, it doesn't hurt one little bit.

Even when she sees him, the scar doesn't itch, doesn't burn, doesn't ache down deep into her heart. Kate doesn't think of all the things this man has caused. She doesn't think about the blood and the pain and Castle's face above her when he said _I love you _at just the wrong time. She doesn't think about the lies and the year of deceit and losing Castle. She doesn't think of the lonely nights lying awake, petrified of where he was, what was happening to him, when he would ever return.

She thinks of how pathetic Maddox really is.

And she pities him.

"Ah. I wondered when you'd come to see me."

Maddox's voice floats through her thoughts as the door closes behind her, leaving the pair of them alone.

It's weak. Weak and gravelly, like he hasn't spoken in months. He's pale as a sheet, small beads of sweat gathering on his forehead as she faces him, too-flat eyes to regard any form of emotion. (God, Ryan _shot his kneecaps off)._

"I won't tell you who's behind this. You'll never get to him. He's too smart for you- we all are." Maddox attempts a sneer, but it falls flat.

Kate sighs, shoving her hands into her coat pockets as they curl into fists. "You're just a pawn."

Maddox stares back at her blankly.

So she continues. "You're just a pawn in this big, elaborate scheme that is _much _more important than you. You hold no true value, you're just used- and betrayed, by the looks of things."

Maddox scoffs. "Don't try and play smart with me, detective."

Kate steps forward, reminding herself to keep her face composed. "What happened to you, Maddox? What drove you to being the man who was used? What lead you to putting a bullet _through my heart _for _money?_" She questions, and the calmness in her own voice even unsettles her. "Huh, Maddox? What lead you to being a fool?"

Maddox shifts as though he's about to lunge for her, but then shudders violently as wave of pain washes over him. He grits his teeth and narrows his eyes at her instead. "I'm not a fool. I'm gonna get out of here, detective. I know people- _bad _people. And when I get out, I'll be coming for you. And your boyfriend."

The mention of Castle makes her heart spasm, but she makes no outward sign of being affected, instead walks around to the side of his bed and stares down at him. Not a glare. Not a soft look. Just a stare, of wonder- Because how do people become these horrible creatures that, for so long, have haunted the dark recesses of her nightmares? How do they go to sleep at night knowing out there a life has been lost because of them, that they've taken one themselves?

"Bracken won't be helping you out anymore, Maddox."

She watches as his face slackens, fear beginning to creep into his eyes.

"It's over." She tells him.

And it is.

* * *

Castle's typing when Ryan and Esposito walk into his room, freshly-awake. Alexis tried to force him back to sleep when he woke from the medication, but he had been _burning _with the need to write Nikki Heat. His mother had handed him his laptop with a sigh and smile tugging the corner of her lips, and he'd been writing non-stop ever since.

"Yo, Castle." Esposito greets him as they enter.

"Hey, guys." He replies, grinning even though he's beginning to ache in his chest from the medication wearing off.

Ryan grins, "Writing already?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I- It helps." He admits slowly, eyes involuntarily darting past them to check for Kate. He feels disappointed when he finds she's not there, but squashes that insecurity down regardless.

"You told her to go home to rest, kiddo." Martha murmurs quietly, as if sensing where his thoughts were headed.

He nods, reminding himself that Kate is actually being _normal _for once in her life. Not being coiled up in some tight little ball she always is, on edge for a new murder or a new lead or _something _to do. He's quite pleased he's helped unravel that little ball she became.

Ryan and Esposito share an odd look at Martha's statement.

"Actually," Ryan says slowly. "Beckett came to the precinct about half an hour ago. We left as she went to talk to Gates and just charged Maddox."

Castle perks up at that, hopeful. "You've got him, then? And has he said anything- About her Mom's murder?"

Ryan and Esposito share that look again.

"Guys?"

Ryan glances guiltily at Martha and Alexis, who seem as concerned and confused as he feels, and then back up at him. Then swiftly away again.

"She hasn't told you?" Esposito asks quietly, eyes staring just above Castle's eyes but never looking at him.

"Told me what?"

"I found out who was responsible for my Mom's murder."

Kate breezes into the room as she says it, ever so graceful and body so lithe, passing straight through Ryan and Esposito to his side. He stares at her and his mouth falls open, shocked, but she simply gives him a quirk of her lips and taps the bottom of his chin, forcing him to close his mouth once again. As she stares down at him, he searches for traces of regret, or loss, or pain. There's something- _something_, there. But ever since those beautiful, glorious words _I love you, _he can't see anything but happiness radiating from her.

"Kate." He whispers.

"It's okay." She assures him, carding her fingers through his rumpled hair and ignoring Ryan and Esposito's amused looks at the action. "We'll talk about it later."

His heart almost bursts at the knowledge that she'll be here later. Now she's- refreshed?- and _free._

He can be with her, now.

He can love her.

"You know, I thought the looks you two had been sharing for the past four years were bad. But now? Ew. Gross." Ryan mutters, breaking the moment.

Castle watches, dumbfounded, as a brilliant laugh tumbles from Kate's lips, eyes twinkling and glorious and the same words revolve around in his head as he diverts his attention from her and surveys the room. His daughter is cracking a smile for the first time since he came here, his Mother tearing up sentimentally, and Esposito and Ryan are pulling mock "love-eyes" at one another.

And all he can hear is_ I love you _drumming in the pattern of his heart.

* * *

"Tell me who it was." Castle says, later, when they're alone in the hospital.

Kate looks up from their intertwined hands to him, eyes wide and vulnerable as she does. He's glad they're alone now. He had needed to talk about this with her- That was why, an hour after Ryan and Esposito had arrived, he had sent them all away- along with Alexis and Martha, whom he had assured that he'd be fine without them for the night.

Kate gnaws on her bottom lip and his hand reaches up of its own accord, thumb swiping across her lip. She startles, but then the words tumble from her.

"His name's Senator Bracken."

His mind searches for a face to put to a name, there's a vague imprint at the back of his mind, but Kate carries on before he can think about it any longer.

"When I got home from the hospital he was at my apartment. Taking down my murderboard for- for you."

His hand tightens around hers and she looks down at the floor for a moment. "Kate?"

Kate frowns, that way she always does whenever she's trying not to cry, and looks back up at him with glittering green orbs. "I let him take it all. I don't want it anymore, Castle. It was my wall and I wanted it gone. There was no way that I could- I could chase it. I don't want to die, Castle."

His heart seizes painfully in his chest, despite the already broken ribs and his punctured heart. "Oh, Kate."

"So. We made a deal. As long as I don't go after it, he won't hurt me. And I'm safe."

Castle brushes a thumb across the back of her hand, not daring to tear his eyes away from hers. "How do you know he'll keep his end of the deal?"

A soft smile sets itself on Kate's lips. "Because he was human enough to wipe the blood off the door. He lives with the price every day, Castle. He's haunted with it and he has no choice, but I _do._ And I'm making my stand, Castle. Stand with me?"

Castle raises their hands to his lips to brush his lips across her knuckles, feels her shiver and his mouth curls in delight at that.

"Anything for you, Kate." He tells her, overwhelmed by it all.

There's a soft silence, and Kate sighs, leaning back in the chair she's pulled up directly beside his bed. It's nice, being alone with her in the quiet yet lovely darkness of the room, the small beeping of machinery echoing through the room, save from the soft of his wheezing. That can't be attractive.

"You need to let it go too, Castle."

The statement throws him off for a moment, and he frowns at her. "What do you mean?"

Pursing her lips slightly, Kate looks down at her feet. "You need to stop investigating this. Like you were doing behind my back."

The grip that he has on her hand slackens, and he feels dizzy all of a sudden and his heart clenches as he panics. No. _No. _How does she know about that? That was _his _secret that kept her safe, and he thought that they'd never have to go there, that as long as she's safe everything about that would be okay.

Yet she doesn't seem angry. She just seems disappointed. And it's then that he realises that's the emotion he had seen in her eyes earlier as she'd walked into the room and seen him. She's disappointed in him. Funny, that.

"Kate. I swear, they said you'd be safe if you didn't investigate, but I knew how much it meant for you to be solved, and I just _had _to-"

Kate pushes forward in her seat to press her index finger over his lips, quietening him. "Castle." She tells him. "I- I'm not angry at you. I was at first. I was so betrayed. I mean, you held _my_ secrets against _me_."

He trembles with how much it hurts, aches to be healthy again so that he could anchor her to him and prove his love for her with his touch. But he's agonizingly weak, only awake from the adrenaline of her finally solving this murder. Of her finally putting this thing to rest. Of her loving him. Only for him to go and be _stupid-_

"Castle."

Castle sighs and meets her eyes. She smiles.

"It's okay. I know you were doing it for the right reasons. I just wish you hadn't because it put _you _in danger, Castle. And not just in a minor danger, I mean just _look _at what's happened to you now. I don't want that. I wouldn't ever ask you to get yourself hurt for something that happened thirteen years ago."

"But-"

"Shh." Kate whispers, and leans in close to him so that he's dizzy in the smell of Kate Beckett, everywhere. "Castle. She's _dead._ I'm _alive_. You're alive. And that's how we need to see it from now on, okay?"

Castle finds himself nodding. "Okay."

Kate grins, and brushes her lips over his, softly, tenderly, and he is fairly certain that he'll never want anything more than this-

Than her.


	24. Epilogue

**in the shallows**

**Disclaimer: I am Andrew Marlowe. I just pretend to be a 16 year old English girl who doesn't own anything to do with Castle sometimes.**

**Thank you for sticking with this fanfiction until the end, if you have. Kudos to you. 3  
**

* * *

Martha opens the door to the loft seconds after Kate knocks, welcoming her with warm hugs and a loud outfit. Kate feels herself smiling as Martha lets her go, fluttering her hands and wandering off once more.

Kate hangs her coat up as she always does and removes her heels- he likes her without her heels- and heads for the kitchen without a second thought. It's there that she finds him, standing upright and moving about gracefully as if it no longer pains him anymore, laughing at something Alexis has just said. She takes a moment to stop and take this precious moment in, this single, small moment of life that could've been stolen from him- from her. It makes her heart warm and her smile spreads wider.

Alexis is the one who first notices her, the young girl heading over to the table to lay the cutlery out. "Hey, Kate." She greets her warmly, smiling as she always does nowadays.

Kate remembers to cherish that, too, stores it away in that box of precious memories she keeps in the mind now. "Hey, Alexis." She replies. "Need any help?"

As the young girl reaches over to place a fork on the other side of the table, she looks back to Kate, "Sure. Could you get some glasses out and the wine for you, Dad and Grams please?"

Kate nods and feels that same sense of belonging she always does whenever she's here now, has to bite her lip to stop from smiling.

She bumps her hip against Castle's when she comes to stand beside him, reaching up for the glasses in the cupboard before her. "You trying to get me drunk, Castle?" She teases him, letting the tip of her tongue emerge between her teeth.

Castle laughs low, turning from the sauce he's making to brush his lips over her cheek. "Well, I have been cleared for duty, Miss Beckett." He murmurs into her ear, his lips barely grazing the shell of her ear, but she shivers all the same.

Kate looks up at him coyly from beneath her lashes, bites her lower lip in the way she knows frustrates him for reasons she'll never understand. "Why, Mr Castle, what on earth are you insinuating?"

Just before he pulls away, his hand brushes down the curve of her waist, squeezes her hip lightly but makes her arch slightly in surprise. "Just that there's gonna be a lot _action_ tonight."

* * *

"So, Alexis, how's college?" Kate asks with a smile, purposely ignoring the way Castle's bare foot is currently sliding up her right leg.

Alexis finishes her mouthful of food and sighs. "It's hard, actually. A lot harder than I ever thought it would be."

"Oh?"

The girl had left for college two months ago, opting for one just five miles away since Castle still hadn't fully recovered yet, and visited home every weekend. Once Alexis had left for college, Kate had been around to help Castle a lot more, despite his protests of being perfectly capable of being okay and his constant innuendoes about her nursing him. Though he's now fully recovered, of course, apart from the odd shallow breath he has every now and then, or his lowest rib on his right which can ache from time to time. It's been four months now, since that day, and she's grateful for every single one of them.

Alexis begins to explain to Kate about one of her classes that she's behind on. Kate pays rapt attention, despite that weird knowing look Martha always gives her, and Castle's hand joining his foot on her leg.

It's small, but it's her family.

* * *

"Castle." She gasps into his open mouth, clutching his shoulders tightly as he picks her up and begins to walk her through from his study to his bedroom.

Her legs wrap around his waist automatically, despite the protests emerging from her mouth. "_Castle_. Put me down. I don't want to hurt you."

Castle laughs, stealing another kiss from her lips and then she's falling, landing softly on her back on his bed. He fits perfectly into the bracket of her thighs, pressing down on her in _oh, _all the right ways.

"Kate. I'm not going to break, I promise." Castle tells her, then leans down and presses warm, wet kisses to her neck.

Her head falls back and exposes the perfect pale column of her neck to him. "We could wait just a little longer- just until you're- _oh_- fully recovered."

Castle nips at her sternum, but then pauses. He rises above her, propping himself up on his elbows, and his eyes are dark with desire when they meet her own. It makes the blood in her veins warm and she bites down on her lip to stop herself from reaching for him and never letting him go again. It's not like they've been missing out entirely. Oh, no, he made sure of that. She's not quite sure she'll ever look at those delightfully large fingers of his in the same way ever again. But this is a whole new level, and he still hurts sometimes, and she doesn't want to rush him.

"No more waiting, Kate."

And then he leans down and captures his lips with hers, slanting them over her top lip skilfully, tongue darting out to meet hers. She's lost in him, drunk on him, and sighs in agreement. "No more waiting."

Soon after, their bodies meet skin-to-skin, scar-to-scar, and the stars explode behind her eyes with the reassuring feel of his pulse against her lips.


End file.
